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Paul Brunson: "The 70/30 Body Shape Is Scientifically The Most Sexy" & THIS Predicts Divorce!

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💫 Short Summary

Paul Carrick Brunson, a prominent figure in the field of matchmaking and relationship science, discusses the state and future of dating, highlighting the evolution of dating from assortative mating to the current era of self-expression and choice. He emphasizes the importance of choosing the right partner and working together to achieve a successful and fulfilling relationship.The video discusses men's struggles in the dating climate, acknowledging the challenges they face and the need to create safe spaces for them to talk. It also explores the concept of mate value and the role of self-esteem in dating. The key to success in dating is authenticity and the ability to show up as one's true self.Dr. Shefali Tsabary discusses the importance of being transparent about desires and traits in a dating app, working on personal growth before entering a relationship, and the impact of attachment styles on adult relationships. She emphasizes the role of therapy and introspective practices in self-improvement, suggesting that understanding one's own style can help in shifting patterns in relationships.Esther Perel and Dr. Paul Dobransky discuss the derivation of sexual fantasies from past trauma and the importance of understanding one's partner's fetishes. Dobransky emphasizes the need for emotional stability and other key characteristics in a partner, while Perel focuses on the impact of intergenerational trauma on relationships. They both stress the importance of choosing a partner based on deeper, more meaningful traits rather than superficial qualities.The video discusses the book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, highlighting its focus on improving relationships and providing actionable advice. Paul, the guest, emphasizes the importance of the book in enhancing the quality of our lives through the quality of our relationships. Another podcast episode is recommended for further listening.

✨ Highlights
📊 Transcript
The most important decision a person can make is who they choose as a partner.
00:00
Paul Carrick Brunson emphasizes the significance of choosing the right partner.
He mentions that choosing a weak partner can lead to negative effects on one's life and even death.
The future of dating is more complicated due to the desire for self-expression and the psychology of choice.
05:55
Dating has evolved from the past where the focus was on procreation and companionship.
With the advent of the pill and the washing machine in the 1960s, women gained more choice in their partners.
People now want a partner who can help them flourish and fulfill their desire for self-expression.
Arranged marriages, which have been shown to have higher satisfaction rates, are attributed to the involvement of the family in the decision-making process.
The key to a successful relationship is to listen to friends and family's opinions about the partner.
11:22
Arranged marriages often have the support and input of the family, who can see things about the partner that the individual may not see.
Having a strong sense of self and personal satisfaction before entering a relationship is crucial for the relationship's success.
Focusing on personal growth and development is important for individual well-being, both with or without a partner.
In a relationship, each person should have their own sense of purpose and fulfillment.
18:09
Moving to a new location for a partner should be a mutual decision to avoid resentment.
Having a partner who is independent and has their own interests can enhance the relationship.
Identifying what one wants in life and going after it unapologetically is crucial for personal and romantic success.
The speaker believes the number one reason for breakups is choosing the wrong partner and not working together to help each other unveil their best selves.
25:41
The speaker compares choosing a partner to finding a beautiful statue within a stone.
Having a strong partner allows one to see their best self.
Walking into a relationship with a high level of satisfaction beforehand leads to higher satisfaction in the relationship.
Focusing on personal development and well-being is important with or without a partner.
A secure relationship requires work and the ability to transfer skills across various aspects of life.
30:10
The speaker suggests reframing the idea of relationship work as the opportunity to learn transferable skills.
In a secure relationship, both partners can continue to develop and master new skills.
The speaker mentions that in a secure relationship, the work begins and it is not the end.
An example is given where matched couples on a show were boring because they all loved each other.
The dating app ecosystem is not well-designed for the bottom 50% of men, leading to struggles and loneliness.
31:27
Men are facing challenges in the dating app era, including high suicide rates and loneliness.
Creating safe spaces for men to talk about their challenges is crucial.
There are significant societal trends, such as high unemployment and lower educational attainment, contributing to men's struggles.
The concept of mate value is linked to fertility and protection, ingrained in human evolution.
35:56
Men were historically valued for their physical strength and ability to provide protection.
Women were valued for their fertility and ability to bear children.
These traditional values are still influential in today's dating preferences.
The golden mean, a ratio of waist to hips, is considered a measure of fertility and attractiveness.
40:40
The golden mean is believed to be an innate preference, but it can also be influenced by culture.
On average, men are attracted to women with a waist that is 70% of their hips, indicating fertility.
For women, the golden mean is the difference between shoulders and waist, suggesting a man's ability to protect.
Black women were perceived to have lower mate value on dating apps, but found success when placed in a niche market as a scarce commodity.
47:29
Black women were discriminated against in the matchmaking space.
Older generations tend to select partners based on ethnicity, affecting the perceived mate value of black women.
Black women had success on niche dating platforms where they were a scarce commodity.
Boosting self-esteem through small commitments and actions is crucial for success in dating and relationships.
52:24
Practical strategies for boosting self-esteem include journaling, meditating, exercising, and achieving goals.
Keeping commitments to oneself can positively impact self-esteem and overall well-being.
Authenticity and self-acceptance play a significant role in attracting and maintaining healthy relationships.
The older generation, particularly those experiencing empty nest syndrome, are reentering the dating market but are unfamiliar with the digital dating landscape.
01:00:02
People aged 45+ are one of the fastest-growing demographics on dating apps.
Authenticity and the ability to show up as one's true self are crucial for success in online dating.
No one ever lived will ever look precisely like you or talk precisely like you, making you truly special and unique.
In a dating app, you should be transparent about your desires and what you are seeking.
01:04:11
Being transparent about your traits and behavior is important.
Working on any toxic traits or behaviors is crucial for a healthy relationship.
The guest believes that Gen Z will have the strongest marriages but also the fewest, due to conscious choice and self-evolution.
01:09:11
Marriage is on the decline but a small percentage of people will have exceptionally strong marriages.
There is a concern about the decline in the number of children being born to meet the replacement rate for the aging population.
Some believe that underpopulation based on nationality or ethnicity is becoming a concern.
It is predicted that by 2050, half or more of the UK population will be black or brown, which excites some people but scares others.
Hypergamy, the seeking of partners of higher social status, is notable in online dating, particularly among heterosexual women.
01:15:21
Women in online dating tend to select men with at least a college or master's degree.
This behavior is seen as a result of the historical structure where women needed to choose partners with equal or greater resources to survive.
The speaker believes that attachment style plays a role in sexual interactions and that understanding one's own style can help in shifting patterns.
Our fantasies are derived from our trauma, upbringing, and disconnection.
01:37:12
Traumatic experiences, such as being bullied in school, can manifest as fantasies in adulthood.
Understanding our past, including intergenerational trauma, is crucial in appreciating our own behavior and that of our partners.
Having a list of superficial criteria for a partner can limit the dating pool and lead to failure in relationships.
01:39:24
Criteria such as marital status, race, height, weight, income, and age can significantly narrow down the potential partners.
Websites exist to calculate the chance of finding a partner based on specific criteria, highlighting the limited options.
Emotional stability and support are important traits to look for in a partner.
01:44:24
Emotional stability allows a person to remain themselves during highs and lows in a relationship.
Having a vision for life, being resiliently resourceful, open-minded, and compassionate are also crucial traits in a partner.
The dark tetrad includes narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism, and is attractive at the beginning of a relationship but can be dangerous in the long term.
01:48:38
Narcissists and psychopaths are successful at speed dating due to their self-assured and confident initial impressions.
People with low self-esteem are more prone to being attracted to the dark tetrad.
The dark tetrad, including narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism, is a red flag in relationships, indicating a dangerous and toxic partner.
01:55:09
Behavior can change, so having a history of cheating in previous relationships may not always be a red flag.
Criminal history is not necessarily a red flag, but a lack of effort and the presence of the dark tetrad traits are.
The book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman is discussed, highlighting its structure and the focus on improving relationships.
00:00
Introduction to the book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love'.
The book is designed as a guide for couples to have meaningful conversations and strengthen their relationships.
It covers important aspects of relationships such as trust, sex, and spirituality.
Features exercises and questions for couples to engage in during each 'date'.
The guest, Paul, talks about the importance of having a structured approach to improving relationships and highlights the value of the book 'Eight Dates' in providing actionable advice.
01:39
Structured approach to improving relationships is important.
The book 'Eight Dates' offers actionable advice on how to make changes in your life.
The quality of our lives is linked to the quality of our relationships.
Paul expresses gratitude for being on the show and enjoys the conversation.
The host recommends another episode for listeners to enjoy and provides a link in the description.
03:23
Link to another episode is provided in the description for listeners to enjoy.