Paul Brunson: "The 70/30 Body Shape Is Scientifically The Most Sexy" & THIS Predicts Divorce!
The Diary Of A CEO2024-02-01
The Diary Of A CEO#steven bartlett steve bartlett#podcast#the diary of a CEO podcast#life lessons#CEO
911K views|5 months ago
💫 Short Summary
Paul Carrick Brunson, a prominent figure in the field of matchmaking and relationship science, discusses the state and future of dating, highlighting the evolution of dating from assortative mating to the current era of self-expression and choice. He emphasizes the importance of choosing the right partner and working together to achieve a successful and fulfilling relationship.The video discusses men's struggles in the dating climate, acknowledging the challenges they face and the need to create safe spaces for them to talk. It also explores the concept of mate value and the role of self-esteem in dating. The key to success in dating is authenticity and the ability to show up as one's true self.Dr. Shefali Tsabary discusses the importance of being transparent about desires and traits in a dating app, working on personal growth before entering a relationship, and the impact of attachment styles on adult relationships. She emphasizes the role of therapy and introspective practices in self-improvement, suggesting that understanding one's own style can help in shifting patterns in relationships.Esther Perel and Dr. Paul Dobransky discuss the derivation of sexual fantasies from past trauma and the importance of understanding one's partner's fetishes. Dobransky emphasizes the need for emotional stability and other key characteristics in a partner, while Perel focuses on the impact of intergenerational trauma on relationships. They both stress the importance of choosing a partner based on deeper, more meaningful traits rather than superficial qualities.The video discusses the book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, highlighting its focus on improving relationships and providing actionable advice. Paul, the guest, emphasizes the importance of the book in enhancing the quality of our lives through the quality of our relationships. Another podcast episode is recommended for further listening.
✨ Highlights
📊 Transcript
✦
The most important decision a person can make is who they choose as a partner.
00:00Paul Carrick Brunson emphasizes the significance of choosing the right partner.
He mentions that choosing a weak partner can lead to negative effects on one's life and even death.
✦
The future of dating is more complicated due to the desire for self-expression and the psychology of choice.
05:55Dating has evolved from the past where the focus was on procreation and companionship.
With the advent of the pill and the washing machine in the 1960s, women gained more choice in their partners.
People now want a partner who can help them flourish and fulfill their desire for self-expression.
Arranged marriages, which have been shown to have higher satisfaction rates, are attributed to the involvement of the family in the decision-making process.
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The key to a successful relationship is to listen to friends and family's opinions about the partner.
11:22Arranged marriages often have the support and input of the family, who can see things about the partner that the individual may not see.
Having a strong sense of self and personal satisfaction before entering a relationship is crucial for the relationship's success.
Focusing on personal growth and development is important for individual well-being, both with or without a partner.
✦
In a relationship, each person should have their own sense of purpose and fulfillment.
18:09Moving to a new location for a partner should be a mutual decision to avoid resentment.
Having a partner who is independent and has their own interests can enhance the relationship.
Identifying what one wants in life and going after it unapologetically is crucial for personal and romantic success.
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The speaker believes the number one reason for breakups is choosing the wrong partner and not working together to help each other unveil their best selves.
25:41The speaker compares choosing a partner to finding a beautiful statue within a stone.
Having a strong partner allows one to see their best self.
Walking into a relationship with a high level of satisfaction beforehand leads to higher satisfaction in the relationship.
Focusing on personal development and well-being is important with or without a partner.
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A secure relationship requires work and the ability to transfer skills across various aspects of life.
30:10The speaker suggests reframing the idea of relationship work as the opportunity to learn transferable skills.
In a secure relationship, both partners can continue to develop and master new skills.
The speaker mentions that in a secure relationship, the work begins and it is not the end.
An example is given where matched couples on a show were boring because they all loved each other.
✦
The dating app ecosystem is not well-designed for the bottom 50% of men, leading to struggles and loneliness.
31:27Men are facing challenges in the dating app era, including high suicide rates and loneliness.
Creating safe spaces for men to talk about their challenges is crucial.
There are significant societal trends, such as high unemployment and lower educational attainment, contributing to men's struggles.
✦
The concept of mate value is linked to fertility and protection, ingrained in human evolution.
35:56Men were historically valued for their physical strength and ability to provide protection.
Women were valued for their fertility and ability to bear children.
These traditional values are still influential in today's dating preferences.
✦
The golden mean, a ratio of waist to hips, is considered a measure of fertility and attractiveness.
40:40The golden mean is believed to be an innate preference, but it can also be influenced by culture.
On average, men are attracted to women with a waist that is 70% of their hips, indicating fertility.
For women, the golden mean is the difference between shoulders and waist, suggesting a man's ability to protect.
✦
Black women were perceived to have lower mate value on dating apps, but found success when placed in a niche market as a scarce commodity.
47:29Black women were discriminated against in the matchmaking space.
Older generations tend to select partners based on ethnicity, affecting the perceived mate value of black women.
Black women had success on niche dating platforms where they were a scarce commodity.
✦
Boosting self-esteem through small commitments and actions is crucial for success in dating and relationships.
52:24Practical strategies for boosting self-esteem include journaling, meditating, exercising, and achieving goals.
Keeping commitments to oneself can positively impact self-esteem and overall well-being.
Authenticity and self-acceptance play a significant role in attracting and maintaining healthy relationships.
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The older generation, particularly those experiencing empty nest syndrome, are reentering the dating market but are unfamiliar with the digital dating landscape.
01:00:02People aged 45+ are one of the fastest-growing demographics on dating apps.
Authenticity and the ability to show up as one's true self are crucial for success in online dating.
No one ever lived will ever look precisely like you or talk precisely like you, making you truly special and unique.
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In a dating app, you should be transparent about your desires and what you are seeking.
01:04:11Being transparent about your traits and behavior is important.
Working on any toxic traits or behaviors is crucial for a healthy relationship.
✦
The guest believes that Gen Z will have the strongest marriages but also the fewest, due to conscious choice and self-evolution.
01:09:11Marriage is on the decline but a small percentage of people will have exceptionally strong marriages.
There is a concern about the decline in the number of children being born to meet the replacement rate for the aging population.
Some believe that underpopulation based on nationality or ethnicity is becoming a concern.
It is predicted that by 2050, half or more of the UK population will be black or brown, which excites some people but scares others.
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Hypergamy, the seeking of partners of higher social status, is notable in online dating, particularly among heterosexual women.
01:15:21Women in online dating tend to select men with at least a college or master's degree.
This behavior is seen as a result of the historical structure where women needed to choose partners with equal or greater resources to survive.
The speaker believes that attachment style plays a role in sexual interactions and that understanding one's own style can help in shifting patterns.
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Our fantasies are derived from our trauma, upbringing, and disconnection.
01:37:12Traumatic experiences, such as being bullied in school, can manifest as fantasies in adulthood.
Understanding our past, including intergenerational trauma, is crucial in appreciating our own behavior and that of our partners.
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Having a list of superficial criteria for a partner can limit the dating pool and lead to failure in relationships.
01:39:24Criteria such as marital status, race, height, weight, income, and age can significantly narrow down the potential partners.
Websites exist to calculate the chance of finding a partner based on specific criteria, highlighting the limited options.
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Emotional stability and support are important traits to look for in a partner.
01:44:24Emotional stability allows a person to remain themselves during highs and lows in a relationship.
Having a vision for life, being resiliently resourceful, open-minded, and compassionate are also crucial traits in a partner.
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The dark tetrad includes narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism, and is attractive at the beginning of a relationship but can be dangerous in the long term.
01:48:38Narcissists and psychopaths are successful at speed dating due to their self-assured and confident initial impressions.
People with low self-esteem are more prone to being attracted to the dark tetrad.
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The dark tetrad, including narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism, is a red flag in relationships, indicating a dangerous and toxic partner.
01:55:09Behavior can change, so having a history of cheating in previous relationships may not always be a red flag.
Criminal history is not necessarily a red flag, but a lack of effort and the presence of the dark tetrad traits are.
✦
The book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman is discussed, highlighting its structure and the focus on improving relationships.
00:00Introduction to the book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love'.
The book is designed as a guide for couples to have meaningful conversations and strengthen their relationships.
It covers important aspects of relationships such as trust, sex, and spirituality.
Features exercises and questions for couples to engage in during each 'date'.
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The guest, Paul, talks about the importance of having a structured approach to improving relationships and highlights the value of the book 'Eight Dates' in providing actionable advice.
01:39Structured approach to improving relationships is important.
The book 'Eight Dates' offers actionable advice on how to make changes in your life.
The quality of our lives is linked to the quality of our relationships.
Paul expresses gratitude for being on the show and enjoys the conversation.
✦
The host recommends another episode for listeners to enjoy and provides a link in the description.
03:23Link to another episode is provided in the description for listeners to enjoy.
00:00 the number one reason for breakups is
00:02 not Finance infidelity it's if you do
00:07 that there's a 99% likelihood you break
00:09 up that's pretty crazy when you think
00:11 about it Paul Carrick Brunson the
00:13 world's most influential Matchmaker you
00:16 choose a weak partner not only do you
00:18 not live as long not as happy more
00:20 unhealthy but you could literally suffer
00:23 death so who you choose as the most
00:25 important decision you could make so I
00:28 have questions you ready for this
00:30 what is the state of dating it's a hell
00:32 of a problem how do you spot a
00:33 narcissist so the key is to this golden
00:36 mean thing in your book what is that
00:38 it's the optimal measure of what we
00:40 consider to be sexy po women is the
00:43 percentage of your waist to your hips so
00:46 what is the future of dating I know a
00:48 lot of people will be mad at me for this
00:49 but you go there if you want to it's
00:51 like arrange marriages data shows us
00:53 people in the range marriage have higher
00:55 satisfaction because and this is often
00:58 where many people go wrong what should
00:59 should I be looking for in a partner it
01:01 has come at 10 years of research on this
01:03 there's five key characteristics that we
01:05 need
01:07 one Paul I wanted to go over this thing
01:10 called attachment Theory because I think
01:12 I'm in avoidant attachment style I love
01:14 this topic there's some phenomenal
01:16 research looking at the number of
01:18 orgasms that people have based on their
01:21 attachment style and if they were
01:22 avoidant the data showed that no comment
01:26 Moving on but I have to say why though
01:28 this is important
01:30 quick one this is really really
01:31 fascinating to me on the back end of our
01:33 YouTube channel it says that
01:36 69.9% of you that watch this channel
01:38 frequently over the lifetime of this
01:40 channel haven't yet hit the Subscribe
01:41 button I just wanted to ask you a favor
01:44 it helps this channel so much if you
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01:48 guest helps us scale the production and
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01:51 ask you for one favor if you've watched
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01:54 and you like this episode that you're
01:55 currently watching could you please hit
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01:59 and I will pay that gesture by making
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02:03 better and better and better and better
02:04 that is a promise I'm willing to make
02:06 you do we have a
02:07[Music]
02:13 deal Paul last time I had you on my show
02:17 you were a Smash Hit And I look at the
02:19 episodes and I can see the retention of
02:22 every conversation I have the retention
02:24 is essentially how many minutes of the
02:27 conversation someone listened to you and
02:29 you're a real record breaker on our show
02:31 in terms of retention because the
02:34 message that you communicate is
02:35 communicated in such a compelling
02:37 relatable way but you're speaking to a
02:39 problem that all of us have in our lives
02:42 which is this problem of love yes and
02:44 just I I know your story but there's
02:45 there's a chance that some people that
02:47 that have just clicked this don't know
02:48 your
02:50 story the wisdom you have what is the
02:54 experience that you've been on and how
02:55 long is that experience and what's the
02:57 sort of flavor and diversity of that
02:58 experience that has has culminated in
03:00 this wisdom you have about relationship
03:02 science what have you been exposed to
03:03 and how long for I spent my first part
03:06 of my career in finance so I was a
03:09 researcher in Investment Banking I went
03:11 off got my business degree you know so I
03:13 I was on that track and then I switched
03:16 the track to focus on relationship
03:18 science and then in the process of
03:21 switching I had an opportunity to work
03:23 for two incredible people two
03:25 billionaires so in the Rel on the
03:28 finance side it was a gentleman by the
03:30 name of Enver yuo who's a billionaire
03:32 out of turkey and owns the largest
03:35 for-profit education company in the
03:37 world and then when I switched into
03:40 relationship science I had an
03:41 opportunity of working for Oprah Winfrey
03:43 right and so these were two billionaires
03:46 and I say billionaires I underscore that
03:48 because they were two entirely different
03:50 people different characteristics
03:53 different uh setups at home but yet they
03:56 had the same behaviors and I started to
03:58 write about those beh behaviors and by
04:00 writing about those behaviors I ended up
04:02 becoming a journalist for USA Today my
04:05 wife and I launched what was considered
04:07 to be the largest matchmaking business
04:09 in the United States and then we sold
04:11 that in 2017 and that's what ended up
04:14 allowing us to come to the UK but the
04:16 heart of what I do is I I'm the world's
04:18 biggest nerd when it comes to
04:21 relationship science I I wake up every
04:23 morning I'm reading some bit of research
04:26 I'm going to sleep every night falling
04:27 asleep uh on some lecture around
04:29 relationship science I I think it's it's
04:32 one of the most
04:33 undervalued areas and the decisions that
04:36 we make around relationships are have
04:40 dramatic dramatic impact on how we show
04:44 up what happens in our lives what
04:46 happens to the lives of those around us
04:49 and what happens to the Lives who come
04:50 after us our children so these are very
04:52 important decisions and I think that's
04:54 the reason why it occupies so much of my
04:56 thought have you been exposed to any
04:57 first party data I know that you I think
05:00 maybe was it Tinder have shown you some
05:02 data yeah absolutely last year I became
05:05 the head of global insights for Tinder
05:08 and what that has allowed me to do is
05:09 see quite honestly more data on dating
05:13 that gives me more insight than I think
05:16 I'd say a lot of people in the world uh
05:19 i h i co-wrote a a report this year
05:22 called the future of dating 2023 uh that
05:25 looks at behavior on the app and also
05:28 Behavior around the world and I made
05:31 some projections in there j z is going
05:33 to have the
05:35 strongest strong the strongest marriages
05:38 ever which which a lot of look see face
05:41 everyone's like what yeah so so I made
05:43 some bold predictions in there um but uh
05:46 but but but but absolutely T Tinder that
05:49 partnership has allowed me some great
05:51 insights what is the state of dating
05:53 what is the future of dating in your
05:55 view I want to know like where we are as
05:57 a as a people and also I guess
06:00 understanding where we are we have to
06:01 understand where we've come from and
06:02 then from there we can understand where
06:04 we're going I guess yes yeah let's look
06:06 back okay so we you know humans 300,000
06:10 years ago right started there was no
06:13 dating it was more so what was called
06:15 assortative mating which was the
06:18 selection of other people based on
06:21 similar characteristics so we would look
06:23 at someone and say okay you behave
06:25 similar to how I behave you look kind of
06:27 like how I look therefore we will mate
06:29 and the whole objective was procreation
06:33 that was it in hunter gatherer days and
06:35 you can take that all the way up into
06:38 almost the
06:39 1800s so Eli finle is a great researcher
06:43 out of New York and he wrote one of my
06:44 favorite books the all Oro marriage and
06:47 he calls that entire phase the pragmatic
06:49 phase you were making a a a selection
06:53 based on the fact that you wanted to
06:55 live next week right that that was that
06:57 was why you chose a partner or or or the
07:00 procreation of it but then between the
07:02 1800s and the 1960s is what Eli fle
07:05 calls the Romantic Period this is the
07:08 period where we began to say okay hold
07:10 on for a second the Industrial
07:11 Revolution is happening we're moving
07:13 into more nuclear family so we're moving
07:16 away from our Clans if you will and
07:19 therefore I'm lonely I don't have my
07:21 cousins around me anymore I'm working in
07:23 this job all day this Factory all day so
07:27 this partner of mine who for L was all
07:30 about pretty much just my sex partner
07:33 now is going to become my friend so this
07:36 romantic age is where you see
07:38 companionship rise but still in that
07:41 phase you're still not receiving all of
07:44 your value all of all of what you love
07:48 about a partner is not coming from just
07:50 the partner or should I say all of what
07:52 you need in life is not coming from your
07:54 partner your intellectual stimulation is
07:57 coming from someone down the street
07:58 right you have friends at work that you
08:01 use For Your Entertainment and joy but
08:04 your partner is beginning to become your
08:06 companion and that's the second phase
08:09 right that that's the second phase is
08:10 the Romantic phase and then in 1960 what
08:14 you see happening and this is in Western
08:16 Society is you see what the pill is
08:19 created you see the uh the the the the
08:23 the washing machine is created and these
08:26 inst these these tools if you will begin
08:28 to free women right we're still living
08:31 in a patriarchy hands down but in the
08:34 1960s you began to see women For the
08:37 First Time begin to have a little bit of
08:40 decision a little bit of choice in who
08:42 they chose as a partner and from the
08:45 1960s on you have what Eli fle calls the
08:48 age of
08:49 self-expression now the reason why this
08:51 is so important for us today is because
08:56 what ends up happening is now you move
08:58 forward to today what do we want well we
09:02 want the highest level of well-being as
09:06 maslo would say you think about maso's
09:08 hierarchy of needs at the bottom is you
09:12 just want food you just want shelter you
09:14 just want to be safe but as you get
09:16 those things you go higher and higher to
09:17 the pyramid and the top of the pyramid
09:19 is
09:21 self-actualization and this is what most
09:23 of us want because most of us are living
09:26 in a state of privilege we have water we
09:28 have food we have shelter so we want to
09:30 be our best selves we want to flourish
09:33 as Aristotle said we want to flourish so
09:35 if we want to flourish now then we need
09:38 a partner who can help us flourish it's
09:41 no longer about the 1800s or the 1,000
09:45 where you just needed a partner to to
09:48 you know basically have sex with and
09:50 make sure they could you know protect
09:51 you like we're we're gone from that we
09:54 now we want self-expression and if we
09:57 want self-expression we have different
09:59 demands on our partner and that means
10:02 dating is now more complicated than it
10:05 has ever been everybody thinks they want
10:08 Choice men and women we all think we
10:10 want choice but I I'm quite fascinated
10:12 by the psychology of choice and how it
10:14 can result in indecision but also
10:17 valuing what you've chosen less or more
10:21 and that's sort of context dependent I
10:23 think here about arranged marriages and
10:24 you talk about that in the book and what
10:26 we can learn from arranged marriages
10:28 because
10:29 you know that's a situation where you're
10:31 given very little Choice yes yeah so
10:34 what happens there yeah this is a
10:37 controversial one in in the book and I
10:39 know a lot of people are going be mad at
10:40 me for this but here's what the data
10:42 tells us that arranged marriages on
10:45 average last longer and both and both
10:51 people in the arranged marriage have
10:53 higher
10:54 satisfaction now I will also say a lot
10:58 of people people are entering arranged
11:00 marriages with no decision a lot of
11:02 arranged marriages um are happening
11:05 where I would say are aoral right
11:09 however let's look at why it could be
11:12 because I think that's the beauty of
11:13 empirical evidence of research is it
11:16 allows you to think about the
11:18 possibilities of why and what what can
11:19 we learn from this one of the reasons
11:22 why is because when we think we're in
11:26 love most of us are not most of us are
11:29 in this blind state of limerance where
11:32 we are infatuated with the person in
11:34 front of us and we really know nothing
11:36 about them and we know nothing about
11:38 decision-making and we don't fully trust
11:40 them the sex is good right and we say
11:44 Okay I want to spend the rest of my life
11:45 with this person right what's happening
11:48 in most arranged marriages is you have a
11:51 village you have multiple people in your
11:55 sphere could be parents brothers sisters
11:58 friends who have your best interest and
12:01 they sit and they cohesively decide is
12:06 this the right partner for you and
12:08 they're looking at behaviors that you
12:11 may not be able to see you know I saw
12:14 this with my matchmaking agency in the
12:17 matchmaking agency the first thing that
12:19 we would do when a client would come in
12:21 is I would
12:23 interview friends and family co-workers
12:27 colleagues people you report to people
12:29 who report to you previous girlfriends
12:32 you know love interests and with that I
12:34 would look for the consensus and and I
12:37 would I would use all of that to say
12:39 okay this is who Steven is he comes in
12:41 and he tells me this is who he is but I
12:44 talk to all of these people in his spere
12:46 and I understand this is who he is and
12:49 the reason why we have a hard time
12:51 understanding who we are is because of
12:53 cognitive dissonance right we believe as
12:56 human beings we think that we behave
12:59 behave as we think we behave but we
13:02 actually don't like we we don't what we
13:06 say we value chances are we don't really
13:09 value that you know in matchmaking again
13:12 I would ask what are your values and
13:14 then they would give me this long list
13:16 oh you know I'm I'm a Christian uh and I
13:21 uh Value Health and right so this is
13:23 what you do and then two days later I'd
13:26 say okay last Saturday when you off work
13:29 what did you do with your time oh I went
13:32 out and I pigged out I ate all day and
13:35 then I went to this concert and I did
13:36 this and I said well where was church in
13:38 that where was Bible study where was
13:40 this and what I've noticed is that where
13:43 we spend that free time where we spend
13:46 our discretionary
13:48 money that's what we value so true I've
13:51 thought a lot about this recently about
13:53 how what I say should be reflected in
13:56 how my calendar looks yes and that is
13:58 the true sort of evidence of me living
14:00 my values and really what I do value and
14:03 I think people struggle with this
14:04 sometimes because what they'll say and
14:05 rebuttal to that is well I'm just so
14:07 busy Paul I'm so so busy I've got kids
14:09 I've got you know mortgage to pay Etc I
14:12 have to say they are entirely right that
14:14 we have a finite amount of time but in
14:16 that they're showing what they value
14:17 they are showing that they value their
14:18 kids and their life yes their ability to
14:21 live and eat that is a value that is a
14:23 priority and this is also why I think
14:25 our values should be viewed in
14:27 especially as it relates to to like how
14:29 we allocate our time as a as a list of
14:31 priorities I this is most important then
14:34 this then this then this then this
14:36 because we can value 20 things it
14:37 doesn't mean we're going to do them
14:39 because we you know time is finite but
14:42 values aren't necessarily they they're
14:43 not I completely agree it it it should
14:46 be a level of prioritization right and
14:48 we should own we should comfortably own
14:51 what that is yes so if it is time with
14:53 your children then you value that you
14:55 know that's what you value stand by that
14:58 because the more that you can stand by
14:59 that and erect boundaries around that
15:02 the happier you'll be the more fulfilled
15:04 you'll be and you you can spot it in the
15:06 language because if if I embodied what
15:08 you just said when someone asks Steve
15:09 why haven't you gone to the gym my
15:11 response would would
15:13 be I had other
15:16 priorities it wouldn't be I can't right
15:19 you know I couldn't or it wouldn't be
15:21 blame it wouldn't be excuses it would
15:22 literally be the the recognition that
15:25 there was other priorities that won and
15:27 that is okay okay that is okay but it's
15:30 so interesting so arranged marriages
15:32 people in arranged marriages report high
15:34 levels of satisfaction and stay together
15:36 longer yeah on on on average and and and
15:39 and even to to break that down a bit
15:40 right is you have the the family making
15:45 the decision right so the family is able
15:48 to see things that you may not be able
15:50 to see so that's that's that's one big
15:52 driver of it the second driver of it is
15:55 let's look at traditional marriage now
15:58 out outside of arranged marriages right
16:00 now and this is Eli finle research 80%
16:04 of current marriages are more
16:07 dissatisfied than they ever have been
16:10 ever and 20% are more satisfied than
16:14 they than they ever have been now now
16:16 why is that it's because of what we were
16:19 talking about previously and that is is
16:20 that we now want so much more from our
16:24 partner we we want our partner to be our
16:26 best friend our lover our
16:29 co-ceo our running buddy our you
16:32 therapist our therapist right spiritual
16:34 leader spiritual leader our Netflix and
16:36 chill buddy like we we want all of this
16:39 now out of our partner and so what many
16:41 people are recognizing is they're waking
16:43 up they're saying you know I can only
16:45 get like 50% from from my partner of
16:47 what I want or 60% and many people are
16:50 not satisfied as a result of that but
16:53 the 20% are looking at their partner
16:55 they're using all of these available
16:57 tools we have we have so much incredible
17:00 data around how to have a successful
17:03 relationship that if you are putting in
17:05 the work and your partner is putting in
17:06 the work you can be more satisfied than
17:08 ever right and so that's the reason why
17:11 a small percentage are more satisfied so
17:13 part of the reason why that group is
17:15 more satisfied than the average is
17:16 because the average is not satisfied so
17:19 if you're in that that sort of 80% of
17:21 unsatisfied people in their
17:23 relationships is one solution to that to
17:27 encourage or facilitate your partner in
17:30 meeting their needs in other places and
17:32 I say this because my partner lived in
17:34 barley for two years and then I was
17:36 living here so there was this
17:37 long-distance relationship where there
17:38 was we wouldn't see each other sometimes
17:39 for 60 days for two months especially
17:42 with the lockdowns and all that stuff it
17:43 was crazy and then we got to that point
17:45 in our relationship where we realized
17:46 that one of us has to move if this
17:48 relationship is going to going to work
17:49 so do she move to bar to London from
17:52 Bary or do I move my life to Bary okay
17:56 which is super difficult was it pretty
17:58 hard yeah yeah yeah I quit dragging down
18:00 I st the podcast it's like my business
18:02 is I forget All for Love yeah but I I
18:05 knew that I could never ask her to to
18:07 move here I could never do that she had
18:09 to make that decision for herself
18:11 because I've seen scenarios where
18:13 there's resentment and all of these
18:15 things and contempt when you move you
18:17 you it's almost like you take on the
18:19 responsibility of that person if you if
18:20 you tell them to come to your to your
18:23 neck of the woods yeah and one of the
18:25 first things I thought about
18:27 was I'm a busy person and if she doesn't
18:30 have a friendship group here a purpose
18:33 here work here then I'm going to be have
18:37 to be the source of all of those things
18:39 yes and that's terrifying yes and I tell
18:42 you for the first part of our
18:45 relationship when she'd moved here
18:48 I felt like I did have to be those
18:51 things once she started her business
18:53 here and her with her business came a
18:55 community and it came her whole little
18:57 tribe and her own sense of purpose and I
18:59 look over in the kitchen when I come
19:00 back from work and she's on the laptop
19:02 in the corner obsessed with her work and
19:04 I thought God yeah yeah like yeah but
19:08 that's what it must have would have been
19:09 like back in the day when you were
19:10 talking about phase two of the history
19:12 of relationships oh oh yeah I mean that
19:14 that's that's the reason why it's it's
19:16 interesting why I mean to to to that
19:17 original question of yours is that we
19:20 are in such a complicated state right
19:22 now because we all have different goals
19:26 you know maybe in your relationship you
19:27 know it it it it already sounds that you
19:30 and your girlfriend are interested in
19:32 self-actualization right you you want to
19:34 flourish yeah you know of course you
19:36 want to flourish but some people may not
19:40 want to flourish if you go down maso's
19:42 hierarchy of needs for some folks it's
19:44 just about belonging or it could be just
19:47 about self-esteem or it could be just
19:49 the safety I just know I have someone
19:51 with me just the safety so we so we have
19:53 these different needs and I think that's
19:55 why one of the most important things we
19:57 can do for ourselves is to identify what
19:59 is it that we want out of this world and
20:01 then
20:02 unapologetically go after it surround
20:05 yourself with people who are going after
20:07 it romantically professionally socially
20:10 you know find your tribe uh and that's
20:12 where you'll thrive on that point as
20:14 well you said about friends knowing you
20:17 better than you know yourself and kind
20:19 of by way of that knowing maybe what you
20:21 should be going for mhm how important
20:23 you think it is to listen to your
20:24 friends when they tell you that this
20:26 ain't the one he ain't the guy oh I had
20:28 a conversation recently with a friend
20:29 who I Shan name who you know we're all
20:32 saying to this person listen this ain't
20:33 the guy and you can see this that
20:36 Absolut the point is absolutely not
20:37 Landing you must have seen this a
20:38 million times all the time all the time
20:40 all the time if all of your friends are
20:44 saying this ain't the guy this ain't the
20:49 guy no matter what it will not work out
20:53 100% of the times it it it it won't the
20:57 the the friend the I think there's
21:00 certain things that we did with this
21:01 matchmaking agency that I really think
21:03 were groundbreaking that was one if you
21:07 can look at what your friends and family
21:10 and all of the people who love you are
21:13 saying and they all say the same thing
21:16 that's the
21:19 truth and how important is it to get
21:21 your [ __ ] together before you go into a
21:22 relationship I've always wondered this
21:24 I've wondered do you go into a
21:25 relationship in the situation fixes you
21:28 or do you fix yourself then go into the
21:29 relationship you talk about this in the
21:31 book the idea that our satisfaction
21:33 levels in a relationship will vary based
21:35 on our satisfaction levels before the
21:36 relationship yes so this was one of the
21:39 most enlightening I think pieces of what
21:42 we're not hearing what we hear in pop
21:45 culture all the time is if you have
21:47 shared values that's what makes the
21:50 strongest marriage or that's what makes
21:52 the strongest relationship some people
21:54 say if you have great sex that's what
21:55 makes the strongest relationship but
21:57 actually what what we found in the
21:58 research here is if you walk into a
22:01 relationship and you have a high level
22:04 of satisfaction that is what gives you
22:07 the highest level of satisfaction in the
22:09 relationship so the key is you want to
22:12 figure out how you could flourish you
22:15 know on your own on your own Carol riff
22:18 is one of the people who I don't think
22:21 she gets enough attention out here in
22:23 the relationship science space or even
22:25 in the world right she's a brilliant res
22:28 Searcher and in the 1980s she sat down
22:30 and she looked at every theorist who's
22:33 written about flourishing and then she
22:36 figures out the consensus what are all
22:38 of these great theorists saying about
22:41 flourishing and well-being and she
22:43 created what's called The Six Dimensions
22:46 of psychological well-being and I never
22:48 hear anyone talk about this it's like
22:50 the mo one of the most important
22:52 Concepts ever for us and what she's
22:55 outlined is that there's six areas that
22:58 we should be focused on if we want to
23:01 flourish with or without a partner one
23:04 of them is personal development are you
23:06 on the path to personal growth are you
23:08 doing things to develop yourself right
23:10 number two do you have inspiration do
23:13 you have a goal that you are Marching
23:15 towards in life number three is autonomy
23:19 feeling like you have control over your
23:22 time next one number four is what's
23:25 called environmental mastery
23:28 this is do you feel like the area that
23:31 you're in physically the area that
23:32 you're in the city that you may live in
23:33 the town that you may live in is it
23:35 conducive to you doing all the things
23:38 that you want to do right in life next
23:41 is having a strong relationship with
23:44 other people whether it be romantically
23:48 it could it could be platonically but do
23:50 you feel like you have connections do do
23:52 you have friends right and last but not
23:55 least is a concept that she calls self
23:58 acceptance this is very important
24:00 self-acceptance is knowing the demons
24:03 that you have inside and being okay with
24:05 them it's it's it's knowing and
24:08 acknowledging that you know I'm good but
24:11 I do have some bad and I accept my bad
24:14 if you are working towards all of those
24:17 things all of those six dimensions you
24:19 will have the highest level of
24:21 well-being you'll reach
24:23 self-actualization and to your question
24:27 this is something that we should be
24:28 doing with or without a partner and if
24:30 you could do it without a partner when
24:32 you enter your partnership it will be
24:34 that much stronger people that you've
24:36 spoken to that are struggling in their
24:37 relationships do you think they have
24:39 this opinion that the relationship is
24:41 going to fix their problems yes yeah I I
24:44 I think we walk into relationships and
24:48 we think it's the end we think that's
24:51 check
24:53 done it's not it's it's it's where the
24:56 work begins
24:58 and we have to change this and a lot of
25:00 this has to do with and you know and I
25:02 put some of the blame on me you know I
25:03 think some of this is television you
25:05 know some of this is is is is the you
25:08 know a lot of people call it the
25:09 disneyfication you know of of
25:12 relationships uh
25:15 we misunderstand and misinterpret our
25:19 role in
25:21 relationships how I I fundamentally
25:24 believe that the number one reason for
25:28 breakups is not we we hear reports all
25:31 the time that it's Finance it's
25:33 infidelity it's no it's none of those
25:35 things you know what it is it's we pick
25:37 bad Partners we select the wrong
25:40 Partners or we don't make the selection
25:43 at all many of us and unfortunately I
25:46 see this a I see this a lot with
25:48 heterosexual women is they allow
25:52 themselves to be selected opposed to
25:55 making this Choice themselves so so so
25:58 the first part is is are we choosing the
26:01 strongest partners for us that's one and
26:04 then once we have chosen the partner
26:06 then are we working together to help our
26:09 partner unveil their best self you know
26:13 the Michelangelo effect and Eli finle
26:16 writes about this where you know
26:17 Michelangelo would never look at a stone
26:19 and say I'm going to carve this
26:21 beautiful statue instead he'd look at
26:23 the stone and say I'm going to unveil
26:27 this beautiful piece of art this
26:28 beautiful statue that's in the stone
26:31 that's how we should look at our partner
26:33 is that we all have this beautiful
26:36 statue within us and when you find the
26:38 strongest partner that allows you to see
26:41 that you know I know you've had Dr
26:42 waldinger on Phenom like he says it in
26:46 in his research you live longer you're
26:49 happier you make more money you know you
26:52 get all of the benefits When you choose
26:55 a strong partner but if you choose lose
26:58 a weak partner not only do you not live
27:01 as long not only are you not as happy
27:03 not only are you more unhealthy but but
27:06 you can literally suffer not just
27:09 emotional and psychological distress
27:11 there is a rise of domestic violence
27:15 that is happening in our in these
27:17 relationships around the world so you
27:19 could literally suffer death death by
27:23 choosing the wrong partner and so it
27:26 goes to show how important the decision
27:29 is this this is this is a life or death
27:32 decision I want to go into all of those
27:34 things you said about selecting
27:36 selecting poorly and the life and death
27:39 the life and death decision that comes
27:41 with Psychopaths and narcissists and all
27:43 that stuff um you know what's
27:45 interesting is when you say to me that
27:47 the work starts at the relationship
27:49 there's part of me that
27:53 goes do you know what I mean cuz in the
27:55 movies I was thinking of all these
27:57 movies I scene in New York where there's
27:58 a Twist there's a turn and then there's
27:59 a happily ever after and the movie ends
28:02 and and you think when the movie ends in
28:04 all of these movies that we've watched
28:05 for 10 20 30 years you think that is the
28:08 end you think they live happily ever
28:10 after I watched the turmoil I watched
28:13 the battle and then they live happily
28:15 ever after if that movie was to be
28:17 extended any movie we've seen romantic
28:19 movie what you'd then see is another 30
28:22 years of like [ __ ] but we don't see
28:25 that so I was just thinking like where
28:26 did we get this idea from that the work
28:29 stops when we find the person yeah it's
28:33 it's it's it's coming so it's coming
28:35 from a couple places one is that's where
28:37 it did stop at one point you think about
28:40 the pragmatic stage the Romantic stage
28:43 that was all you needed you just needed
28:44 the partner it didn't matter you didn't
28:45 have to do any work with the partner so
28:47 so we we have gotten this honestly as a
28:50 as a society but also it's what pop
28:53 culture it's what media it's it's it's
28:55 what it feeds us but I would would say
28:58 don't look at it as hard distasteful
29:01 work yeah instead here's a better way
29:04 let's reframe it reframe the negative
29:06 right is this podcast right
29:10 credible one skill you're probably
29:12 learning incredible skills doing this
29:14 one of which I'm sure is your active
29:16 listening is off the charts now compared
29:19 to what it maybe was day one now if you
29:23 thought active listening I'm going to
29:25 learn active listening during this
29:26 podcast did you think then it would be
29:28 grueling I don't think so I think that
29:30 you probably saw that as a great life
29:32 skill I can come in here I'm going to
29:35 not only meet all I'm going to do all
29:36 this incredible things but I'm also
29:38 going to develop skills and these skills
29:39 are transferable to everything I do
29:43 that's how we should look at our
29:45 relationship look at it that way you are
29:47 going to learn incredible skills that
29:50 are transferable across your life and as
29:53 you develop those skills the whole Tide
29:55 Rises you're going to to uh develop new
29:59 skills and and and better Master new
30:00 skills and then apply those to your
30:03 business apply those to to your platonic
30:05 relationship so it it's it's it's a
30:07 wonderful thing
30:10 and when you are in a secure
30:14 relationship it's boring as
30:16 hell it's boring which is why you know
30:21 uh not to get myself into trouble but
30:24 you know when you're watching television
30:25 and you're watching these shows around
30:28 relationships uh actually I I'll give an
30:30 examp I will give an example um when I
30:33 got here to the UK uh I started on a on
30:36 a show called slubs go dating and then I
30:38 very quickly went to a show called
30:39 Married at First Sight UK and when I was
30:43 on Married at First Sight UK my first
30:45 series it was a full docu series and we
30:48 matched couples and it was boring you
30:52 know why it was boring because they all
30:54 loved each other they all really liked
30:56 each other other and out of that group
30:58 of four couples three of them are
31:00 together today wow right but you ask
31:03 anyone in the UK did you see that series
31:05 they'll say no we didn't say that
31:08 because it's boring and then you change
31:11 things and you get couples who can still
31:14 work but there's tension right for a
31:17 variety of reasons there's tension and
31:20 then it gets exciting and so one thing
31:23 that I always say is great love look
31:27 looks boring but it feels great you know
31:31 good love it it feels it it good love
31:35 looks boring but it feels great
31:38 menh men are struggling it seems I think
31:42 you know the more and more I talk on
31:43 this show about dating apps and what
31:45 it's like to be a man in this dating
31:47 climate especially one that's become
31:48 more digitalized than ever before the
31:51 conversation always emerges in the in
31:53 the in the com sort of like the comment
31:55 sections and stuff about men's struggles
31:58 here because you know these dating apps
32:00 they seem to
32:01 be not welld designed for the like
32:04 bottom 50% of menh what is what what are
32:07 your thoughts on this yeah I'm I'm I'm
32:09 with you you know what I like about the
32:11 conversation today is we're finally
32:14 acknowledg it's it's it's okay to
32:18 acknowledge that you know men are
32:19 getting crapped on you know I I feel
32:21 like just a year ago if you said that oh
32:23 no what are you talking about you know
32:25 we're still in the patriarchy you can't
32:27 no men are struggling High suicide rates
32:32 highest levels of loneliness highest
32:33 issues around mental health men are
32:36 struggling and the fact that we can just
32:39 ex talk about that and all acknowledge
32:42 okay let's figure out how to deal with
32:44 this is a good place to begin right but
32:47 but but now we now we have to begin you
32:49 know it begins with the awareness and
32:52 talking about it it extends into
32:54 creating safe spaces
32:57 for men to be able to talk I love that
33:01 what you see now is you see these
33:02 podcast
33:03 communities um creating these spaces
33:07 where men feel like they can be
33:09 acknowledged and seen and that allows
33:11 for there to be connection with other
33:13 men going through those same challenges
33:16 which creates camaraderie and helps you
33:18 to uh to to break out of that loneliness
33:21 so so so we're we're we're on the path
33:24 uh but we have to acknowledge some of
33:25 those larger trends that we see I know
33:28 Richard Reeves uh talks about this quite
33:30 a bit phenomenal book of boys and men
33:33 where you can see uh just the levels of
33:37 unemployment the lower levels of
33:40 educational attainment uh for for men
33:43 the high levels of uh of drug usage the
33:46 high levels of what uh Richard Reeves
33:49 calls sedation essentially is uh drug
33:52 usage uh pornography watching where uh
33:55 you have a large number of men men just
33:57 sedating themselves out of pain right
34:01 out of loneliness and so I I think we're
34:04 in a great place to begin working on the
34:07 problem but it's a hell of a problem in
34:09 your book on uh page 72 it says that in
34:14 the Tinder research you found that one
34:15 of the main reasons men aren't in
34:16 relationships is because of rejection
34:19 yes fear of rejection yes number one and
34:22 and many people would laugh at that they
34:25 would laugh at that stat what men walk
34:27 up to me all the time so how is it that
34:30 men are fearful of rejection but the
34:32 fact of the matter is that the majority
34:34 of men report the number one reason why
34:37 they believe they can't find a
34:40 significant other is the fear of being
34:43 rejected think about that and that's not
34:46 just in person that's online feeling as
34:50 if you are going to deny me you're going
34:52 to reject me and to me that speaks to
34:55 self-esteem to me that speaks to
34:58 self-love to me that speaks to selfworth
35:01 and so therefore we have to really
35:03 evaluate the the the why the the why why
35:07 is that you know but I I think this is
35:09 such an important point and this is why
35:12 we have to look back let's look at
35:14 history why is it the case that the
35:17 Calvin Klein model or why is it the case
35:19 that the higher status person gets more
35:23 interaction if you think back to
35:26 pragmatic right if you were a
35:29 woman what did you need to
35:32 survive uh I needed a mate that would
35:36 protect me exactly now the protection
35:39 would come in one of two things and I
35:41 say that because at some point I'm going
35:42 to be eight and a half months pregnant
35:45 and I I ain't going to be able to hunt
35:46 no you know or forage or I don't know
35:50 exactly and so so you need to have the
35:52 protection and the protection came in in
35:54 one of two ways one physicality right
35:56 right someone's just strong and fight
35:59 but the other was high social status
36:01 resources which would bring resources
36:02 which would bring resources and
36:04 therefore you know you'd have the
36:05 protection because of that so how long
36:07 did that
36:09 continue yeah most of human history most
36:11 of human history so we have through
36:14 Evolution this has been indoctrinated
36:17 into our into our system and what is
36:20 rarely talked about is so you know there
36:22 were millions of men throughout history
36:24 who were not the Calvin Klein not the
36:26 biggest didn't have the social status so
36:29 what happened to them in history do you
36:31 know what happened to them most of them
36:33 they were the ones sent to
36:35 war these were the men fighting for
36:39 whatever country the the these were the
36:41 men when you when you watch Napoleon and
36:43 you see oh my God the Battle of waterl
36:46 you had tens of thousands of people
36:48 who's dying it's those men it's not the
36:51 high stat status men it's not it's not
36:53 the Calvin Klein looking right it's
36:55 those men we're dying and we've reached
36:58 a point in society where we're no longer
37:00 fighting Wars like that we're fighting
37:02 with drones and missiles you have
37:05 millions upon Millions upon millions of
37:07 men sitting there saying okay now what
37:08 about me what about me and this is the
37:11 problem this is where we are what about
37:14 men what were they selecting
37:15 for they were selecting for youth
37:18 fertility fertility y they they wanted
37:21 youth which which spoke to
37:24 fertility uh and that ran through time
37:28 and that's the reason why you see a
37:31 woman who you know I talk about this in
37:33 the book there's this golden mean golden
37:37 mean I read this and it was the first
37:38 time I'd ever heard of this idea of the
37:39 golden mean but it was super interesting
37:41 the golden mean explained why my
37:43 girlfriend seems to like my shoulders
37:45 she doesn't care if I get fat I swear to
37:47 you I asked her one day I was like what
37:48 do you prefer cuz she asked me she said
37:50 what features do you prefer on me and
37:51 obviously I knew that was a trap so I
37:52 said
37:54 everything I'm not stupid but then when
37:57 she asked the question she I asked her
37:59 the question back I was like what what
38:00 features do you prefer on me she was
38:02 like your shoulders yeah and I was like
38:04 really I was like I thought they said
38:06 you wanted like I thought women wanted a
38:07 six-pack she was like she was holding my
38:10 shoulders she was like your shoulders
38:11 yes and then I read this golden mean
38:12 thing in your book and I was like ah
38:14 yeah yeah that's that's how I I I could
38:16 you know what's interesting I spot
38:18 everyone and I almost am calculating
38:20 golden mean because I'm always thinking
38:22 as a Matchmaker like I can match that so
38:24 the the golden mean has stood throughout
38:27 history and there's a different
38:29 calculation for for men and women for
38:31 women the calculation is the difference
38:34 between waist and hips right so it's the
38:37 percentage of your waist to your hips so
38:41 if on average your waist is
38:45 70% of what your hips are that is
38:49 considered to be
38:51 fertile right you're considered to be at
38:54 optimal you know your op optimal for
38:56 Fertilization in in in essence and you
39:00 could see that ratio tested throughout
39:03 time and you could see that ratio tested
39:05 throughout culture which is rare to go
39:08 to an Eastern collectivist society and
39:11 see something similar to what's
39:13 happening in a western uh
39:14 individualistic society and so the
39:17 golden mean stands through time and the
39:20 reason why it's so interesting is
39:21 because you look at like Twiggy in the
39:24 1970s I think uh in the UK you say gosh
39:26 Twiggy was so thin but she still had a
39:29 70% golden mean you you look at the you
39:33 know people talk about the the Kim
39:35 Kardashians of the world she has less
39:38 than 70% she's probably like 50% right
39:40 golden mean and so the golden mean is
39:43 the optimal measure of what we just
39:46 consider to be fertile therefore sexy on
39:51 average and so that hasn't been
39:52 influenced by you know magazines and
39:55 media and stuff like that that's just
39:57 what scientists think that's in eight
39:59 hum yes they think that that's inate but
40:03 it is it is impacted by culture so you
40:07 go into different subcultures and there
40:10 might be more of an exaggeration of the
40:12 golden mean right so maybe it's more
40:15 than 70% or should I say less than 70%
40:18 could be what's considered more
40:19 attractive so it is influenced but on
40:22 average that is it and the reason why I
40:25 say that is it is because uh many men
40:28 would argue oh no you'll say what what
40:29 are you are you you're you're a breast
40:30 man you're a leg man like what what what
40:32 is it like it's a Thanksgiving dinner
40:34 you know what I mean and uh those could
40:37 be characteristics and features that you
40:40 find sexy and attractive but on average
40:44 this is what will um what will light up
40:49 most most men and then for me for for
40:52 women when they're looking at a a man
40:54 the golden mean is the difference
40:56 between shoulders and waist and so if
41:00 you have if your waist is 70% or less
41:03 than your shoulders then that is
41:05 considered to be what someone who could
41:09 protect me that's where that comes from
41:12 you know and therefore throughout
41:14 hundreds of thousands of years of of of
41:17 of of History we get to the point where
41:19 okay it's sexy why is it sexy I don't
41:21 know you just look sexy no the reason
41:24 why it look sexy is because ultimately
41:26 back in the day he could have been a
41:28 protector so that's where that comes
41:30 from and in the matchmaking Community
41:33 what I used to do all the time is if I
41:35 had a client who was you know say a male
41:37 client and he didn't really represent
41:39 the the golden mean I'd say put on this
41:42 this this uh this this Blazer here you
41:45 know wide shoulder pad Blazer go out
41:48 there on that date um you know so the
41:51 golden mean is something that has stood
41:53 the test of time so many people are
41:55 going to be doing like shoulder
41:57 pressing tonight that's crazy that's all
42:00 you need to do yeah a little bit of
42:01 shoulder press that's it that's so crazy
42:04 um but it but it makes evolutionary
42:06 sense that there
42:09 is is it proportions the right word that
42:11 we would associate with fertility or you
42:15 know
42:16 protection what's this concept in
42:18 chapter 4 you talk about the concept of
42:20 mate value uh yeah this is this is I
42:25 feel like the whole now it's
42:26 controversial this this give a quick
42:31 disclaimer this is a another topic that
42:34 a lot of people want to push back on
42:36 right mate value is a
42:41 evolutionary
42:43 psychology term that is around
42:47 technically what value do we bring to
42:50 the mating Marketplace because when you
42:52 think about uh you know our evolution is
42:55 that we go on one or two paths in mating
42:59 we call it dating evolutionary they're
43:01 calling it mating long-term mating or
43:04 short-term mating right now short-term
43:08 mating is a separate Beast short-term
43:10 mating is literally I want to have sex
43:13 tonight therefore you're going to look
43:16 at different characteristics you're not
43:18 going to care if you can trust the
43:19 person you're not going to care like
43:20 you're going to look at what they look
43:21 like and that really might not mean
43:23 anything to you that's short-term ating
43:26 long-term mating is much different
43:28 long-term mating is just okay I'm
43:29 looking for a partner for life and part
43:32 of the calculation that we're doing
43:34 innately the calculation that we're
43:35 doing is what do we value the person
43:39 it's no different than someone saying oh
43:41 yeah he's a he's a nine or or or she
43:44 she's a 10 you know 10 out of 10 she's a
43:46 10 in essence that's what mate value is
43:50 but I look at mate value as all of the
43:54 ingredients that we bring to the table
43:56 so yes it is about physically how we
43:58 look it is about status in our job yeah
44:01 that's important but it's also about how
44:03 kind we are it's also about our Behavior
44:07 it's also about how confident we are
44:09 when when we walk into a room all of
44:11 these pieces add up to mate value but
44:15 the reason why I say it's it's so
44:16 important to know is because mate value
44:19 will also change based on the
44:22 context for example if I take so I keep
44:27 you're going to be my reference here if
44:29 if if I take you Stephen and I bring you
44:31 to Richmond Virginia where my wife is
44:35 from and we go to a restaurant you walk
44:38 in everyone is mesmerized by you the
44:41 moment you open your mouth amazing
44:43 everyone is where is it
44:48 rich what a post
44:50 code
44:52 Richmond a note here um everyone is the
44:56 moment the moment that you speak wow
44:59 I've never heard an accent like that
45:01 tell me more about you right they're
45:02 intrigued it's what I call the premium
45:05 effect that lands on top of the mate
45:07 value right but we have to understand
45:09 that there is a value that we assign
45:12 people when we are mating or dating you
45:16 conveniently skipped over the one about
45:18 having kids oh yeah yeah yeah no no but
45:21 so having kids it goes up or it it
45:25 brings your value up or it brings your
45:27 value down now it depends on what your
45:30 partner is seeking so if you if if you
45:33 if CH so chances are let's say that you
45:35 are a woman uh you have
45:37 children and you are uh you're you're
45:42 dating a a man who does not yet have
45:45 children and wants to have children
45:48 chances are that is going to lower in
45:50 his eyes on average that's going to
45:53 lower the that's going to lower your
45:56 perceived mate value however however if
46:00 he has children or maybe he's a little
46:02 bit older or may what for for whatever
46:04 the reason he could look at that as as
46:07 as as an upside the point there though
46:10 is that it's the context that changes
46:13 your mate value and that's very
46:15 important the context is what changes it
46:17 so this premium effect you talked about
46:19 then when you talking about um Richmond
46:21 Virginia how can one use that to
46:26 increase my chance of finding someone to
46:28 fall in love with and just just give a
46:31 bit of color on what you mean by the
46:32 premium effect is it being a scarce
46:35 commodity in a certain environment yeah
46:39 that's exactly or a desirable commodity
46:40 in a certain environment it it's being
46:43 scarce scarce okay yeah so when we
46:44 started the matchmaking agency it was
46:46 focused exclusively for black women and
46:50 the reason why is because I felt as if
46:52 black women were being highly
46:53 discriminated against in the matchmaking
46:57 space and so I was trying everything and
47:00 so I thought you know what I'm going to
47:01 do I'm going to start putting my clients
47:03 on dating apps and I will act as them
47:06 and I saw that they were not getting
47:08 traction is that statistically
47:11 proven I'd love to know yeah you know I
47:14 will say from all of my experience in
47:17 matchmaking it was that black women got
47:21 less matches on dating apps less swipes
47:24 it it in in my time when I was running
47:26 that dating agency absolutely absolutely
47:29 hands like hands down there there there
47:31 was no question why well you know
47:34 there's lots of reasons one reason is
47:37 that when it comes to outside of gen Z
47:41 so if you look at Millennials you look
47:42 at Gen X you look at baby boomers and at
47:45 that time gen Z wasn't yet on dating
47:47 apps we're talking about Millennials and
47:48 higher we typically choose
47:53 ethnicity over every other category
47:56 so ethnicity ended up being one of the
47:59 first selections of a partner and we
48:03 would either bring you you know we would
48:05 either include you or exclude you based
48:08 on ethnicity jenz has changed this and
48:11 I'm and I'm so happy to see this gen Z
48:16 is the first generation to at majority
48:19 have interest in everyone so on Tinder
48:22 for example we see that 80% of our gen Z
48:26 they are not just open but they have
48:28 dated someone outside of their ethnicity
48:30 and I believe that we're entering this
48:32 new phase of what I call we are we are
48:34 inter everything we are inter ethnic
48:37 International
48:39 interreligious that to me is is is
48:42 beautiful but that didn't happen for
48:44 Millennials it definitely didn't happen
48:45 for Gen X and definitely not for baby
48:47 boomer so ethnicity was number one so
48:50 because of that and because of the pools
48:53 of uh black men on dating apps of that
48:57 age range were so much smaller that you
49:00 saw a very small selection rate for
49:03 black women so that's what was driving
49:07 the low low low perceived interest but
49:11 what I didn't like what was happening is
49:14 you would see this data come out uh you
49:16 know black women are not selected or not
49:19 swiped on or whatever it may be and it
49:22 would be projected as black women are
49:25 not design
49:26 which is like the most ridiculous thing
49:28 in the world I like what are you talking
49:30 about but the reason why is because they
49:33 were taking these small data sets and
49:37 essentially claiming this larger
49:39 narrative based on this small data set
49:42 and so when I was experimenting with
49:45 those uh W with with my clients I then
49:48 said okay what would happen if I put my
49:52 black female clients onto J date
49:56 right Jewish date you know and they were
49:58 not Jewish like they were Ultra
50:00 Christian right what would happen so I
50:03 started putting them on J date
50:06 phenomenal success
50:08 like phenomenal success phenomenal
50:11 success there was a percentage of people
50:14 who responded who were crude why are you
50:18 here there was a percentage of people
50:20 who responded who were obviously
50:23 fetishizing oh I want to do this to you
50:26 right but then there was a percentage of
50:28 people who were just curious let's see
50:31 why did you that's interesting you're
50:33 why are you here like let's let's have
50:34 this conversation and the
50:37 interactions were
50:39 plentiful and what I realized there is
50:42 there was a premium effect being
50:45 assigned there was a extra value that
50:47 they got by being the scarce commodity
50:50 in in this space and so my objective
50:54 with a lot of my clients was to take
50:55 them and put them in places where they
50:58 are few that's so interesting and and we
51:01 can do that IRL as well we can put
51:03 ourselves in situations where we're
51:05 scarce in real life is it going to like
51:09 a different type of sports club or you
51:10 know what what what is that yeah so I um
51:13 I I try this out here I have a friend
51:16 who lives in hartfordshire she is a
51:18 white woman friend 30
51:22 mid-30s uh completely open to meeting
51:26 everyone right she's like Paul I'm
51:27 single I don't know what to do I said
51:29 all right here here's what you do come
51:30 on down to South London I want you to go
51:33 to this exhibit that's happening at the
51:36 black cultural archives in
51:38 Brixton and I want you to go down there
51:41 and you just tell me what happened she
51:42 went down she was like oh my God it was
51:45 crazy I met blah blah blah blah blah and
51:47 and and and the point was that she put
51:49 herself in a place where she was a quote
51:52 unquote scarce commodity if you if you
51:54 want to look at it in economic terms
51:56 which I like you know that's exactly
51:58 what she did and she met incredible
52:01 people now did she have romantic uh
52:03 connection there no but she walked out
52:05 of there with two friends that she's
52:06 kept in touch with you know for a year
52:08 plus so think about where your interests
52:12 lie but where you can step out and be
52:16 different where you could be unique you
52:18 can do that in every aspect of your life
52:22 but you know what the underlying driver
52:24 is to being able to do that is
52:28 self-esteem because the higher
52:30 self-esteem you have the less external
52:35 validation you need less you need to
52:37 conform to the environment exactly even
52:40 there's some great studies that show
52:41 that the higher self-esteem you have the
52:45 less you need to have someone who's
52:47 traditionally
52:48 attractive interesting yeah because you
52:52 start to see all of the value all all
52:55 the beautiful nature and behaviors of
52:58 and physicality of someone and you don't
53:01 need to walk down the street and have
53:03 everyone say he looks like he he's so
53:06 beautiful or she's so beautiful you know
53:08 you have value in that person so
53:10 therefore you know and and so high
53:12 self-esteem is indicative of so many
53:14 aspects of our life and you could show
53:16 up get that premium effect if you have
53:19 high self-esteem I've never heard anyone
53:21 talk about this before because and that
53:22 is so interesting because I I was every
53:25 time I hear an idea I think we all at
53:26 home everyone listening to this will
53:28 kind of sense check the concept on like
53:30 friends they know and people they know
53:32 and I and I would say that of all of my
53:35 of everybody I know the people that are
53:37 typically lower self-esteem are those
53:39 that are most focused on appearances and
53:41 looks in fact there's one of my friends
53:43 who when he he called me one day in the
53:45 gym and said I'm not sure about his
53:48 current partner um and I like why what's
53:51 up he goes you know like when I walk
53:52 into a restaurant with her on my arm I
53:54 just don't know how it looks literally
53:56 that's what he to me and I remember
53:57 having the convers with him like BR you
53:59 are screwed if that's what you're
54:01 judging this individual based on how
54:02 they look on your arm yes but it's a but
54:05 it's a consequence of his own need for
54:08 validation from the person he's with and
54:11 and then it's no surprise that the other
54:15 correlation you see is those people are
54:16 probably still single those are my still
54:19 friends that are still single the ones
54:20 that care the most about that that can
54:22 currently have the most the lowest
54:24 self-esteem are also the ones that are
54:25 still missing probably great people for
54:28 looking at the wrong things there you go
54:30 that that's why we need to be in a state
54:32 of flourishing ourselves before you go
54:34 out there because because think if if he
54:35 was able to just take a breather work on
54:39 his self-esteem fact there's so many
54:41 things you could do boost your
54:42 self-esteem think of how incredible his
54:45 next relationship would be facts yeah
54:48 yeah self-esteem is is really where it's
54:51 at like it's it's underrated that's so
54:53 interesting this idea that when we have
54:55 low self-esteem will care more about how
54:58 the person looks because they
55:01 are we believe that they can boost our
55:03 self-esteem by just being next to them
55:05 that's crazy yeah and well more so we
55:08 believe that Society accepts them and we
55:13 won't be shamed by society as a result
55:16 of being with them right because we want
55:18 the validation from society when we have
55:21 low self-esteem but if you have high
55:23 self-esteem you you know what this is my
55:25 partner and I don't care what you think
55:28 it doesn't matter what you think I'm
55:30 happy then you can walk down the street
55:32 with
55:33 anyone and if you encountered in your
55:36 work as a Matchmaker back in the day
55:39 someone who was low
55:41 self-esteem what would you suggest them
55:43 to do would it would it be therapy would
55:45 was there something small they could do
55:46 in their life a first step they could
55:48 take yeah I mean so so what we would do
55:50 with the agency is we would not even
55:52 start matchmaking them until we went
55:54 through months and months and months of
55:56 coaching right now what are some things
55:58 that you could do practical things you
56:00 could do it's about practicing
56:03 self-compassion is a great way to boost
56:05 self-esteem so that could be journaling
56:09 that could be meditating that could be
56:11 exercising it also is about setting
56:14 goals achievable goals and accomplishing
56:17 those goals that helps to boost your
56:19 self-esteem on the pathway to mastering
56:23 something boosts self esteem for example
56:26 during lockdown I started learning the
56:29 the piano right just started learning it
56:32 and once I got to phase two of my little
56:35 piano you know at home tutorial I got a
56:38 little boost of okay I can do a little
56:40 thing and then I played uh wuang Clan
56:43 casuals everything around me I did cream
56:45 on my piano and just doing
56:49 that boost self-esteem right so the
56:52 Mastery of something
56:53 small self-compassion surrounding
56:56 yourself with other people who have
56:58 self-esteem High self-esteem these are
57:00 some basic ways to help to boost it I I
57:03 was thinking a lot about this and I said
57:04 um I said to one of my friends the other
57:06 day about this idea of keeping
57:07 commitments to yourself and I think I
57:08 was talking about it with Chris
57:09 Williamson as well about the commitments
57:12 we keep to ourselves when no one is
57:14 watching feed into our self-image like I
57:18 think some of us think that self-esteem
57:20 is what we've like accomplished in Life
57:22 or what we haven't accomplished in life
57:23 but if we narrow it right down and zoom
57:26 right into like this morning I told
57:28 myself I was going to get out of bed at
57:29 9:00 but I hit the snooze button now it
57:32 seems trivial but in that one decision
57:36 to not keep a commitment to yourself you
57:39 wrote a little line into this the Paul
57:41 Brunson story which is actually an
57:43 instruction manual that governs your
57:44 life and this the line you wrote into
57:46 that story is I'm the type of person
57:49 that frequently isn't able to do what I
57:52 want to do right and that's an
57:54 instruction
57:55 that you then when you go to work that
57:57 when you show up when you know you think
57:59 about your big Ambitions in life it's an
58:01 instruction it's a line of code written
58:03 into who you are so I've got really
58:04 obsessed with this idea of these small
58:06 commitments and the great thing about
58:09 small things is they're easy to do and
58:10 also easy not to do but they're also
58:12 easy to do but we because they're easy
58:14 not to do and because they seem small
58:15 and trivial we tend to overlook them so
58:18 this idea that like start by keeping
58:19 these small commitments to yourself that
58:21 you make could be the the pathway to the
58:24 big results that we're seeking you know
58:26 because we look up at these these
58:28 figures on Instagram and on social media
58:30 that are like saying earlier like
58:31 running ultramarathons and they're
58:33 starting these businesses and killing
58:35 the game and we go how the [ __ ] did they
58:36 get up there it must have been one big
58:39 decision they made it's baby steps you
58:43 know baby steps and and you said
58:45 something that I think is very important
58:47 within self-esteem and that is is that
58:49 you've exercised it there's an action
58:52 it's not just about I'm going to set my
58:54 goal as I'm going to wake up at a
58:56 certain time or I'm going to no it's
58:58 that you have you woke up at a certain
59:01 time you you you've exercised it this is
59:04 the key piece and it is it's it's it's
59:06 about all of those small steps it's
59:08 about the consistency of the small steps
59:10 and I think you you've seen this in you
59:12 must have seen this in your life is that
59:14 what that does is it builds habits that
59:16 you then build upon and then what you'll
59:19 notice is is that the the tasks become
59:21 bigger and bigger and bigger but you're
59:24 able to it because you have the
59:25 foundation of those smaller tasks I've
59:27 often wondered if there's a generation
59:29 that are kind of trapped between how
59:32 things used to be which is you know
59:34 meeting people in your village down at
59:36 church in real life and then there was
59:39 this sort of digital surge where most
59:42 people now meet online I wonder if
59:44 there's like this generation that are
59:45 trapped in between the two where they
59:48 were of a certain age where there
59:51 everyone around them was kind of meeting
59:53 um in real life they didn't manage to
59:55 meet someone then the digital age
59:58 exploded and it's literally like this
01:00:01 vertical line up when you look at the
01:00:02 graphs just suddenly everyone's meeting
01:00:04 online and they don't have the digital
01:00:06 skills they don't have the social media
01:00:08 they don't know how to like upload a
01:00:09 photo yeah but their way of dating this
01:00:13 IRL way of dating is now gone out of
01:00:15 fashion and no one's doing it yeah and
01:00:17 they would roughly be if I had to Hazard
01:00:20 a guess at their age they're
01:00:22 probably 35
01:00:25 yeah plus now 35 Plus but it's it's the
01:00:29 50 the 50 year olds or should I say the
01:00:34 45 are are getting hit and the reason
01:00:37 why is is exactly what you're saying but
01:00:39 then what's happened is so the number
01:00:43 one age of new daters in the world is
01:00:47 age 18 right we see this on the dating
01:00:49 apps 18 people download the dating apps
01:00:52 they're out on the dating scene but you
01:00:53 know what the number two age ranges well
01:00:56 I know because you said it for 55 yeah
01:00:58 right and why it's because of emptiness
01:01:01 syndrome uh you and your partner you've
01:01:04 had two children they go off to
01:01:06 University you look and you say I don't
01:01:08 even know you anymore I don't know you
01:01:10 so peace I'm gone and then you break up
01:01:14 and then you reenter the dating market
01:01:16 and you're like oh my God we we didn't
01:01:18 have dating apps when I was doing this
01:01:20 and you're completely confused as to
01:01:23 what to do but I'm going to tell you
01:01:25 something wild and that is is they end
01:01:27 up doing quite
01:01:28 well you know why because they show up
01:01:31 as their authentic self what we've what
01:01:34 we've been learning I think on social
01:01:36 media for so long is you know create
01:01:40 your
01:01:41 representative yeah you go to 80% maybe
01:01:45 even 90% of folks Instagram it's just
01:01:47 their representative it's it's it's not
01:01:50 them right and so on these dating apps
01:01:53 Etc it's the representative but a lot of
01:01:56 these people who have never used an app
01:01:58 before they go online they're they they
01:02:01 they write down the imperfect profile
01:02:04 they they they write they talk about
01:02:06 their what they're scared of what what
01:02:08 their fears are their vulnerabilities
01:02:10 they post the photos without filters
01:02:12 right because they don't even know how
01:02:13 to use a filter and you think they're
01:02:16 going to not do well and they end up
01:02:18 doing extraordinarily well because they
01:02:20 show up as their authentic self what the
01:02:23 data is showing us more than ever is
01:02:25 that authenticity is what wins leaning
01:02:28 into your quirks leaning into the things
01:02:31 that make you
01:02:33 extraordinary you know I I I I say this
01:02:36 all the time to to to people who I've
01:02:38 coached and that is is that think about
01:02:40 you right there have been billions of
01:02:43 people who have walked this planet
01:02:45 before you but no one ever walk this
01:02:49 Earth with the same experiences as you
01:02:51 or the same skills and guess what right
01:02:54 now 8 billion people in the world no one
01:02:57 sees the world exactly like you see it
01:03:00 no one has your skills no one looks
01:03:01 precisely like you and guess what it
01:03:04 gets even better because no one who will
01:03:06 ever live on this planet will ever look
01:03:10 precisely like you talk precisely like
01:03:12 you see the world precisely like you so
01:03:15 therefore guess what you are
01:03:18 extraordinary you are truly special you
01:03:20 are truly unique there's no one ever
01:03:23 like you so if you own that you win what
01:03:27 if I'm an [ __ ] you
01:03:30 you well well you know what see are you
01:03:32 a narcissistic psychopath [ __ ] like
01:03:35 you know what I mean like if you if you
01:03:37 if you don't like who you are you don't
01:03:38 want to put that out there you want to
01:03:40 you know filter it you know face tune it
01:03:42 yeah trim it cut it expand it I'm with
01:03:45 you I'm with you so yes many of us don't
01:03:48 like you know various parts of who we
01:03:50 are the key is to embrace the good but
01:03:53 going back to Carol ri's six dimensions
01:03:56 of psychological well-being
01:03:57 self-acceptance is to say you know what
01:04:00 these three things I do yeah [ __ ] do
01:04:03 those three things but do I lay that out
01:04:05 no well here's what you in a dating app
01:04:08 no in a dating app you lay out what it
01:04:11 is that you desire what it is that you
01:04:13 are seeking but are you transparent
01:04:16 about those things when you're
01:04:17 interacting with them absolutely you're
01:04:19 transparent because if those [ __ ]
01:04:22 traits are part of you it's going to
01:04:25 show up in your behavior so you alert
01:04:27 the person ahead of time I'm working on
01:04:29 these things I don't want to scare them
01:04:31 off no you don't but you want to be your
01:04:33 true self but it depends on on what kind
01:04:36 of trait we're talking about though so I
01:04:38 mean you'd have to give me example okay
01:04:39 I'll give you an example I um this is
01:04:43 I'm playing a role here okay so people
01:04:44 don't clip this and put it on the
01:04:46 internet but say that I had a toxic
01:04:49 trait where I get Ultra needy and I'm
01:04:53 like very jealous and I'm very easily
01:04:55 triggered by anything that makes me feel
01:04:57 like you're cheating on me or you're you
01:04:59 know I'm like insecure from like maybe
01:05:01 you know something that happened when I
01:05:02 was younger or whatever okay this is
01:05:04 good A lot of people have this so you'd
01:05:05 be very anxious the sounds very uh
01:05:08 typical of of of an anxious uh
01:05:10 attachment style so the question is is
01:05:13 are you working on it because if you're
01:05:15 if you're working on that and you
01:05:17 acknowledge that that's someone that
01:05:19 that's a great relationship to be in
01:05:21 because someone is proactively working
01:05:24 on their trauma but if you tell me this
01:05:27 is how I am and I'm doing nothing about
01:05:29 it well that's a problem I want this
01:05:31 relationship so I can work on it with
01:05:33 you no well the best time to work on
01:05:36 this relationship is before you're in it
01:05:38 goodbye that's pretty much what it is
01:05:41 and and but but you know what those are
01:05:42 the type of conversations that we should
01:05:45 be having how can I work on it before
01:05:46 the relationship so say in that case of
01:05:48 insecure jealous anxious type does that
01:05:51 mean like going to therapy and you when
01:05:53 you say working on it yeah okay great
01:05:56 question so let's first say this about
01:05:59 therapy I have tons of friends who are
01:06:02 some of the top therapists in the world
01:06:03 love it but when you look at the
01:06:06 satisfaction rate that most people
01:06:08 report going to therapists very low very
01:06:11 low if you look at the access to
01:06:14 therapists or top therapists very hard
01:06:16 to get access so most people cannot go
01:06:20 so I'm I'm consciously always saying
01:06:22 okay it's important to be able to go if
01:06:25 you can but most of this work you have
01:06:27 to do on your on your own first part is
01:06:30 and this is not me to be self- serving
01:06:32 here but I think podcasts are incredible
01:06:35 in creating awareness but I will say on
01:06:38 this particular podcast quite honestly
01:06:41 you've had all of the greats within this
01:06:44 space all of the greats from we talked
01:06:47 about Dr waldinger to uh Gabor mate like
01:06:50 you've had all of the greats who will
01:06:52 give you a taste of what you need to
01:06:55 create that awareness and then you dig
01:06:57 deeper you purchase the book yeah you
01:06:59 purchase the book and then you do the
01:07:01 work in the book Gabor mate all the time
01:07:03 he talks about you know what you you
01:07:05 should do let's meditate let's Journal
01:07:07 like he prescribes he sets it out but a
01:07:10 lot of us don't want to do that level of
01:07:13 Investigation no way we want quick easy
01:07:15 and now and now yeah but guess what
01:07:18 you're not going to get to that level of
01:07:21 flourishing if that's all you desire
01:07:25 like yeah I
01:07:28 mean
01:07:30 mediocrity is common like being mediocre
01:07:33 should I say is common the moment that
01:07:36 you can step one level above being
01:07:40 mediocre in society today you typically
01:07:43 are seen that's how low the bar is
01:07:47 that's the same way in relationships but
01:07:48 it's also the same way in the
01:07:50 relationship that you have with yourself
01:07:52 if you do any bit of work you become
01:07:55 exceptionally better for you for your
01:07:57 partner just just a little bit of work
01:07:59 learn to act actively listen learn to
01:08:03 learn to just simply
01:08:06 respond which is active listening versus
01:08:08 reacting that's a GameChanger it's the
01:08:11 it's this there's this idea of like
01:08:13 metacognition which is thinking about
01:08:15 your thinking and when me and my partner
01:08:17 have a disagreement now I it's almost
01:08:19 like I now have this metacognition it's
01:08:23 like I'm I'm watching the situation and
01:08:26 watching myself in the situation and it
01:08:29 makes such a big deal my girlfriend was
01:08:30 saying something to me the other day and
01:08:32 in my head I'm going think about how
01:08:33 you're listening make sure you're
01:08:34 listening intently make sure she feels
01:08:36 Hur that's what my brain is saying now
01:08:38 yeah that's it but before it was all
01:08:40 like [ __ ] her until I need to let her
01:08:42 know how she's wrong yeah but see this
01:08:45 is the work yeah this is the work that
01:08:48 we were talking about that you were
01:08:49 doing that is work yeah but it's paying
01:08:53 dividend
01:08:54 it's like the return on investment on
01:08:57 learning the skills is
01:09:00 infinite I'm sure you take that into
01:09:02 your business you take that into uh
01:09:04 social situations active listening
01:09:06 stepping outside of yourself the the the
01:09:08 these skills change your life and to go
01:09:11 back to Dr waldinger's work is when
01:09:14 you're able to make these small
01:09:16 adjustments in your life you're happier
01:09:19 less stress you live longer you make
01:09:22 more money the the reward words are
01:09:24 infinite this older the generation that
01:09:26 we said we think might be trapped a
01:09:28 little bit in a technological transition
01:09:31 one of the things my friends that are
01:09:33 part of that generation say to me is
01:09:36 that there's just no people left anymore
01:09:38 and one of my friends has actually said
01:09:40 to me a few times that she needs to put
01:09:42 herself in a situation where she's going
01:09:43 to meet lots of men where there's lots
01:09:45 of men and she gets particularly annoyed
01:09:47 when her friendship group don't want to
01:09:50 go to the places cuz they're all paired
01:09:52 off okay where where they don't want
01:09:53 want to go to to an environment where
01:09:55 there's lots of men does it matter you
01:09:57 talk about this in chapter 4 the
01:09:58 importance of the sex ratio yes yeah
01:10:01 does it matter so sex ratio is huge the
01:10:03 best example of sex ratio is look at
01:10:06 what's happening in the Farmland so
01:10:09 country areas of
01:10:11 China where you had the basically the
01:10:15 one child policy where you see a heavy
01:10:18 number of men so the sex ratio is the
01:10:21 number of uh women to men
01:10:24 right and so you look at the number of
01:10:27 men there's many more men than there are
01:10:29 women in in in China especially in the
01:10:31 farm area of China so what what does
01:10:33 that mean what that means is that women
01:10:36 now have more negotiation power with the
01:10:40 men if you go back 40 years you'd have
01:10:43 to be buried off by 18 17 16 in some of
01:10:46 those areas you would have no say as to
01:10:48 who you could now I literally just read
01:10:51 an article where you have 30 plusy old
01:10:53 women going into those areas saying we
01:10:55 can choose whoever we want out here you
01:10:57 know we can do whatever we want you have
01:10:59 more negotiation power but that also
01:11:03 impacts the relationships that then do
01:11:06 form for example look at most University
01:11:10 campuses that now have majority women at
01:11:14 the University campuses what's happening
01:11:16 in terms of sex at the
01:11:20 campuses off the charts why because you
01:11:23 have a small pool of men who say you
01:11:25 know what we now have negotiation power
01:11:28 there there there's few of us there's
01:11:30 all these women out here and and and
01:11:32 what's what's happening is the women are
01:11:33 looking at the small pool of men and
01:11:35 saying okay we only have access to these
01:11:37 guys the guys know okay we have access
01:11:38 to all of these women so therefore we're
01:11:40 going to act a fool you know and what
01:11:42 ends up happening is you end you end up
01:11:45 seeing how
01:11:47 relationships change the formation
01:11:49 changes based on sex ratio so looking at
01:11:53 at some of these macroeconomics you can
01:11:55 see how it does impact how a
01:11:58 relationship is formed and then what
01:12:00 happens in the
01:12:02 relationship there there's some
01:12:04 environments that are and there's some
01:12:05 professions that are typically dominated
01:12:07 by one gender typically for whatever
01:12:09 reason in the book you talk about like
01:12:12 engineering degree courses yes so if I
01:12:15 was a woman and I would say I was just
01:12:17 you know I was 20 years old and I was
01:12:19 desperate to find a man going into a
01:12:22 engineering degree course
01:12:24 would put leverage on my side yes it's
01:12:27 just something to think about you know
01:12:28 people choosing jobs and environments to
01:12:30 work in if they are really trying to
01:12:32 expose themselves to a gender balance
01:12:34 that's in their favor we're talking
01:12:35 about heterosexual heterosexual couples
01:12:37 here then that is something to consider
01:12:40 it it is but even that point is
01:12:43 controversial right because that point
01:12:45 that you just mentioned which I endorse
01:12:47 by the way then I'll cut it
01:12:49 out it's all controversial no but but
01:12:52 the reason why I say that points
01:12:53 controversial but I love it is because
01:12:55 what you're saying is you're saying hey
01:12:58 young lady you're going off you're
01:13:00 thinking about your career also start
01:13:03 thinking about your long-term partner at
01:13:06 the same time I I feel as if a large
01:13:09 narrative that's placed on us in Western
01:13:12 Society is knock out the education and
01:13:16 the career get all of that taken care of
01:13:18 then once you have all of that wrapped
01:13:20 up nicely now you could focus on these
01:13:23 other things things in life I have sat
01:13:26 at the deathbed of two people in my life
01:13:29 I will never forget these moments ever
01:13:32 what they did is they both said the same
01:13:34 things these were you know two different
01:13:36 people different times they both died
01:13:39 within 24 hours of me seeing them they
01:13:42 said this thing life it goes by fast
01:13:46 goes by fast the second thing is they
01:13:49 begin recounting the the intimate
01:13:52 relationships that they had
01:13:53 with all of their with with their loved
01:13:55 ones you know they're they're they're
01:13:58 recollecting this now there's other
01:14:00 things that they'll talk about certain
01:14:01 regrets wanting to be happier wanting to
01:14:04 have done certain things but ultimately
01:14:07 it's about I remember the good times
01:14:09 with the people I love the most so
01:14:13 what's interesting to me about that is
01:14:15 there's no talk about their career
01:14:19 there's no talk about what they
01:14:21 accomplished professionally
01:14:23 there's no talk about what they learned
01:14:26 in school so does that then mean that
01:14:30 the most important facets of our life
01:14:34 are the relationships that we form I
01:14:36 would say yes and then if that's the
01:14:38 case why don't we focus on those things
01:14:40 earlier let's focus on that that's the
01:14:42 reason why I love that statement because
01:14:44 yes you know I my my sons are 10 and 13
01:14:49 already I'm like look let's talk about
01:14:51 your partners let's talk about how
01:14:53 you're going to go about doing this
01:14:55 because ultimately that will be the most
01:14:59 important decision that you make in life
01:15:02 so let's talk about kids and dating then
01:15:04 we talked about Boomers a little bit
01:15:05 there's this word in your book
01:15:08 pronounced
01:15:09 hyper gamy yeah hypergamy that's exactly
01:15:13 what I said H hypergamy
01:15:17 hypergamy seeking partners of higher
01:15:19 Social Status is notable in online
01:15:21 dating what is what is hyper game me
01:15:24 yeah yeah yeah and and with I want to
01:15:26 talk about genz because you said a
01:15:27 statement at the start of this
01:15:28 conversation about them being the most
01:15:31 successful in marriages and your
01:15:33 forecasting yes yes okay so all right
01:15:37 hypergamy is a topic that gets a lot of
01:15:41 push back but it is what it is we
01:15:44 can't we we cannot um disagree with all
01:15:48 of the data and what the and what that
01:15:50 suggests is essentially someone who is
01:15:53 Seeking a partner of equal or greater
01:15:56 resources men and women well it's it's
01:16:00 it's it's it's always categorized as
01:16:03 heterosexual women okay seeking a
01:16:07 heterosexual man of equal or greater
01:16:10 resources and the data that typically
01:16:13 people point to is when they look at um
01:16:17 degrees college degrees and they look at
01:16:19 women in in in online dating so they say
01:16:22 okay let's look at um women in online
01:16:24 dating across different dating apps and
01:16:27 we'll look at all of those with a
01:16:28 college degree who is it that they
01:16:30 typically swipe right on or who is it
01:16:32 that they typically select and on
01:16:35 average it's men who have at least a
01:16:39 college degree or greater master's
01:16:41 degree right and the
01:16:43 whole push back that I think ends up
01:16:46 happening is you see people say well
01:16:48 there it is right there these women are
01:16:50 all opportunists that's what they're
01:16:52 looking for they're looking for just
01:16:53 opportunity and I say hold on for a
01:16:55 second do you realize first that for
01:16:58 hundreds of thousands of years this was
01:17:02 the structure this was the only
01:17:04 structure you needed we've talked about
01:17:06 it you must have chosen if you're a
01:17:08 woman you must have chosen a partner
01:17:10 that had equal or greater resources if
01:17:13 you wanted to
01:17:14 survive to next week so why is it still
01:17:17 here or next year well you know why
01:17:19 because the patriarchy has not been
01:17:21 destroyed it it is it is not been
01:17:23 destabilized it's because modern
01:17:27 relationships these relationships around
01:17:30 self-expression just started
01:17:32 1960 I mean I I think it's it is
01:17:35 fascinating to think that women just
01:17:38 began to have choice and remember we're
01:17:41 talking about these weird Western IND
01:17:45 educated industrialized right Rich
01:17:48 democratic nations have just begun to
01:17:51 have a bit of choice you you know what I
01:17:53 mean a bit of choice just now so
01:17:56 therefore we're living in a day and age
01:17:59 where you you can't you you can't argue
01:18:01 against this you know you you when I say
01:18:04 you can't argue against it is is you
01:18:07 have to understand why that is but the
01:18:10 reason why I say I believe that gen Z
01:18:13 will have the strongest marriages is I
01:18:14 also think they'll have the fewest
01:18:15 marriages of any
01:18:17 generation
01:18:19 marriage is without question on the
01:18:22 decline
01:18:24 without question you can't argue cannot
01:18:26 argue it's on the decline but what we're
01:18:29 going to see is we're going to see a
01:18:30 small percentage of people who decide to
01:18:34 join in Union in what we're today
01:18:37 calling marriage and they will have
01:18:40 exceptionally strong marriages because
01:18:42 they'll have consciously chosen to go
01:18:45 into this Union they'll have the tools
01:18:49 and they'll help each other to you know
01:18:51 to to self-evolve so unless kids
01:18:53 they'll have less kids yeah are you
01:18:55 concerned about that the sort of decline
01:18:57 of people having kids I'm I'm quite
01:19:00 aware of of of some of this data right
01:19:03 and this replacement rate this rate of
01:19:06 us not having enough children to meet
01:19:09 the replacement rate which I think on
01:19:11 average is typically like 2.1 right so
01:19:14 you think that in the United States or
01:19:17 in the UK in Japan where I know this is
01:19:19 this is hitting heavy uh really all
01:19:22 throughout most of the world but I want
01:19:24 to get to where it's not happening but
01:19:26 through most of the world what you have
01:19:28 is you have people not having enough
01:19:32 children to meet the replacement rate
01:19:34 what's the replacement rate so that is
01:19:36 the number of new births that need to
01:19:39 happen in order to replace the Aging
01:19:42 dying population ah okay so typically
01:19:44 it's it's like it's 2.1 right uh but
01:19:47 we're not couples are getting together
01:19:49 they're having 1.8 you know or one or
01:19:52 one or whatever it may be now what that
01:19:56 means is it means precisely what you
01:19:59 said and that is is that we will have an
01:20:02 older population and as a result of
01:20:05 having an older population we won't be
01:20:07 able to do all the things that we need
01:20:10 for that older population think about
01:20:12 the tax base who's going to support the
01:20:15 older population in terms of monetary
01:20:17 resources physically who's going to be
01:20:20 in the nursing homes to support an older
01:20:22 population who's going to be at home or
01:20:24 who and so the
01:20:28 underpopulation is I believe it is a
01:20:30 real issue however it gets very
01:20:33 political and the reason why I think it
01:20:35 gets political and I've seen uh have you
01:20:38 heard of uh Neo natalism no in natalism
01:20:41 no was that uh so it is when you begin
01:20:45 to look at
01:20:48 underpopulation based on nationality or
01:20:51 ethnicity
01:20:53 and when you begin to look deeper you
01:20:57 say hold on for a second the world is
01:21:01 beginning to slowly become
01:21:02 underpopulated but if you look at
01:21:04 Nigeria yeah it's going off it's going
01:21:07 off I have no Nigerian friend that
01:21:09 doesn't have like eight 10 brothers and
01:21:11 sisters you know and like to this day
01:21:14 and if you look at it's not just Nigeria
01:21:16 like you look at West Africa you look at
01:21:18 different pockets of mostly what's
01:21:21 considered to be black populations Brown
01:21:24 populations you see that the
01:21:28 population is growing you know when I um
01:21:32 David McQueen did an exhibit here in
01:21:34 London that blew me away was it was at
01:21:36 the tape Gallery it was called the year3
01:21:39 he took photos of every year three class
01:21:44 in London and he puts hundreds and
01:21:47 hundreds of photos up in the tape
01:21:49 gallery and you walk in right and at
01:21:50 that time my son was year three so I
01:21:53 walk in and you look at this thing and
01:21:54 you say oh my gosh this is what London
01:21:57 is going to look like in the
01:21:59 future and you know what it is it's
01:22:02 mostly black mostly Muslim and I think
01:22:06 that what you're seeing in the natalism
01:22:09 Neo natalism movement is you're seeing a
01:22:12 lot of people who are scared by that and
01:22:15 they say to themselves okay what we need
01:22:17 to do is we need to figure out how we
01:22:21 can produce more offspring of a
01:22:25 particular ethnicity or of a particular
01:22:29 nationality you've begun to see
01:22:31 presidential candidates in the United
01:22:33 States talk about this uh it is I think
01:22:37 an
01:22:39 extremely
01:22:41 dangerous category and area to to to to
01:22:46 to to to uh to to or or or an idea it's
01:22:50 a dangerous idea to to to put forth
01:22:52 forward in the future it's going to be
01:22:54 one of the top issues that that we're
01:22:55 debating because if you play that
01:22:57 forward not long you wouldn't have to
01:22:59 play it forward very long to realize
01:23:01 that there's certain races that will be
01:23:03 that will once the majority that would
01:23:05 then become a minority race oh yeah in
01:23:08 the UK it's already been predicted that
01:23:11 by I think it's roughly 2050 that you're
01:23:14 going to have roughly half or greater
01:23:16 than half of the population in the UK be
01:23:20 black or brown I'm not talking about
01:23:23 uh London I'm not talking about England
01:23:25 I'm talking about in the UK that to me
01:23:29 is absolutely it's mind-blowing it's
01:23:31 mind-blowing to think about that and
01:23:34 when some people think about that
01:23:37 they're excited by by by by that future
01:23:40 they're saying okay this is wonderful
01:23:42 but there are other people who hear that
01:23:44 and they become very scared and that
01:23:47 fear I think is facilitating a lot of
01:23:50 these more extreme ideas that are very
01:23:53 very
01:23:54 dangerous isn't this cool every single
01:23:57 conversation I have here on the DI of
01:23:59 CEO at the very end of it you'll know I
01:24:01 asked the guest to leave a question in
01:24:04 the Diary of a CEO and what we've done
01:24:07 is we've turned every single question
01:24:09 written in the Diary of a CEO into these
01:24:11 conversation cards that you can play at
01:24:14 home so you've got every guest we've
01:24:16 ever had their question and on the back
01:24:19 of it if you scan that QR code you get
01:24:23 to watch the person who answered that
01:24:26 question we're finally revealing all of
01:24:28 the questions and the people that
01:24:31 answered the question the brand new
01:24:34 version 2 updated conversation cards are
01:24:36 out right now at the conversation
01:24:39 cards.com as you'll know if you've
01:24:41 listened to this podcast before I'm an
01:24:43 investor in a company called hu I'm on
01:24:44 their board and they sponsor this
01:24:45 podcast Daily Greens which is this
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01:25:01 that are within this blend and for the
01:25:04 last year or so all of you on this
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01:25:07 product have asked when it will be
01:25:08 coming to the UK it's now here if you're
01:25:10 someone that wants to get more greens
01:25:11 into your diet then I highly recommend
01:25:13 giving it a go not only is it good for
01:25:15 you but it tastes good win-win the
01:25:17 product was so popular in the US that it
01:25:20 sold out over and over again and I think
01:25:22 that's what's going to happen here in
01:25:23 the UK so get your hands on it now just
01:25:26 give it a try take a picture tag me DM
01:25:28 me let me know what you think of it and
01:25:30 because I think it's going to become one
01:25:31 of your staple products if you're
01:25:33 someone that's looking for a greens
01:25:34 product in your life then I really
01:25:36 believe that this will probably become
01:25:37 your staple as it has become mine before
01:25:40 we get into this some of these key
01:25:42 questions which are really things we
01:25:44 talked about earlier but like what
01:25:45 should I be looking for an a partner and
01:25:47 what should I not be looking for an a
01:25:49 partner I wanted to quickly go over this
01:25:51 thing called attachment Theory because
01:25:52 in our last conversation it's one of the
01:25:53 most replayed moments from our previous
01:25:55 conversation just to summarize
01:25:57 attachment Theory because I think this
01:25:58 is quite key to talk about what we what
01:26:00 we're going to talk about next what are
01:26:02 the four categories of attachments in
01:26:04 adults yeah all right so uh Mary
01:26:06 answorth is really the person that led
01:26:10 us to attachment Theory she worked with
01:26:12 John Balby but Mary answorth really
01:26:14 American Canadian psychologist and let's
01:26:17 just talk about the the test that she
01:26:19 gave because I think it adds uh context
01:26:22 so so she essentially would take a a
01:26:24 child and a caregiver and she would take
01:26:27 this child she did did this in Baltimore
01:26:29 of all places she would take this child
01:26:31 in in a primary caregiver and would walk
01:26:33 into a room with the child and the
01:26:35 caregiver or she would allow the child
01:26:37 and the caregiver to walk into a room
01:26:39 and the caregiver would leave and then
01:26:41 momentarily come back now if the child
01:26:44 saw the caregiver leave there would be
01:26:46 distress oh my gosh I can't believe this
01:26:48 maybe there's some crying maybe there
01:26:50 there's some yelling then when the
01:26:51 caregiver comes back if the child
01:26:54 immediately soothed okay my caregiver is
01:26:58 back I'm okay that was considered to be
01:27:00 secure secure attachment now if the
01:27:03 caregiver left and came back and the
01:27:06 child was distressed when the caregiver
01:27:08 left came back and still a little
01:27:09 distressed but okay but I'm not sure you
01:27:12 going to leave again don't leave please
01:27:14 right the back and forth that was
01:27:16 considered anxious anxious attachment
01:27:19 then the third because at that time
01:27:20 there was three primary the third was
01:27:23 the caregiver would come back and the
01:27:25 child would say whatever you know that
01:27:29 was avoidant so these were the three
01:27:33 fundamental uh attachment
01:27:35 Styles and what her work then LED is to
01:27:39 other researchers Sue Johnson Etc to
01:27:42 then apply that to how we show up as
01:27:45 adults and Dr LaVine in his book
01:27:48 attached then starts to write about
01:27:50 attachment but I want to say say
01:27:52 something very important that I've not
01:27:54 heard I've actually not heard anyone
01:27:57 talk about with attachment and that is
01:27:59 is that we have to understand that
01:28:01 attachment is phenomenal in
01:28:04 understanding how we show up as adults
01:28:06 and how we relate but we have to
01:28:08 understand this is a very Western
01:28:12 concept and the reason why I say that is
01:28:14 because there's been some small tests
01:28:16 done in Uganda some small tests done in
01:28:19 Japan around attachment and do you know
01:28:21 what happen
01:28:22 when the caregiver in
01:28:25 Japan left the the child and comes back
01:28:30 that the child would freak out would be
01:28:33 under complete distress that the
01:28:36 caregiver left and when the child came
01:28:38 when the caregiver came back the child
01:28:40 would continue to be under duress and
01:28:44 stress but that was considered a secure
01:28:47 attachment so you think what hold on for
01:28:50 a second that same child that that would
01:28:53 have been anxious in the US but but
01:28:55 that's secure in Japan why is that well
01:28:58 the reason why is because when you
01:29:00 investigate how the child was reared you
01:29:03 realize that in certain areas of the
01:29:05 world mostly collectivist or Eastern
01:29:09 societies that child the that uh
01:29:13 caregiver typically the mother would
01:29:16 never leave the child so therefore a
01:29:19 secure attachment was always or the
01:29:21 child recognize the the caregiver as
01:29:24 always being there always being there
01:29:27 and so that's the reason why the child
01:29:28 felt so much distress when the even when
01:29:31 the when the when the caregiver came
01:29:33 back but the reason why I say this is
01:29:35 because I think what ends up happening
01:29:39 with attachment style and I've I I've
01:29:41 seen this in
01:29:43 different different concepts that get
01:29:46 introduced which are very important but
01:29:49 what we see is we always see it through
01:29:50 this Western lens yeah we have to
01:29:53 realize we're living in a global world
01:29:56 right where many of us have lineage or
01:29:59 parents who are from different parts of
01:30:01 the world and so therefore we have to
01:30:03 respect all parts and therefore um it
01:30:07 it's just it's it's just important to
01:30:08 know that attachment style or you're
01:30:11 talking about love language or whatever
01:30:13 it may be these are good
01:30:17 Concepts but we have to understand that
01:30:22 these are
01:30:23 not globally applicable
01:30:26 mhm they're very narrow um in that
01:30:30 regard and you know we for some reason
01:30:33 we're all drawn to these when we can
01:30:35 just when there's just three and we just
01:30:37 pick the one we are and then it gives us
01:30:38 all the answers that's makes life much
01:30:40 easier than the complexity of the truth
01:30:42 yes so let's let's not burst the
01:30:45 illusion
01:30:46 Paul we like
01:30:48 L but it's I think yeah I I relate most
01:30:52 to this idea of being the anxious
01:30:54 preoccupied one who probably wouldn't
01:30:57 care when they came back in the room
01:30:58 sorry no I got that wrong yeah you're
01:31:00 avoidant yes I'm avoidant yes yeah yeah
01:31:03 and but but you know what interest okay
01:31:06 you know what um well since we're on
01:31:07 attachment style I've got to go here is
01:31:10 there's some phenomenal research that's
01:31:12 been done around attachment style and
01:31:14 sex right you ready for this cut the
01:31:17 cameras a second cut the cameras are
01:31:20 they off they're off okay okay go ahead
01:31:22 yeah this this this is some phenomenal
01:31:24 research that that that that blows my
01:31:26 mind so um these researchers looked at
01:31:30 the number of
01:31:32 orgasms that people have based on their
01:31:35 attachment style and the type of sexual
01:31:37 interaction it is so a one night stand
01:31:40 you could probably guess this a one
01:31:42 night stand or um uh a one night or
01:31:47 let's say a one night stand or casual
01:31:49 sex if you are secure
01:31:52 or you were anxious you despise that the
01:31:56 the data showed that the percentage of
01:31:58 people who had orgasms in one night
01:32:00 stands or casual sex was substantially
01:32:03 low if they were uh if they were secure
01:32:07 or anxious but if they were
01:32:11 avoidant off the charts why is because
01:32:16 the avoidance were like oh man I don't
01:32:18 like I don't want the the the emotional
01:32:20 connection to it right and I and I think
01:32:23 it's just important to see okay well
01:32:25 attachment Styles it does play into how
01:32:28 we interact and why but when you
01:32:30 understand who you are you could begin
01:32:32 to to shift those
01:32:34 patterns I'm sure a lot of people can
01:32:36 relate in various ways so you're saying
01:32:38 that you're much less likely to have an
01:32:40 orgasm on a one night stand if you are a
01:32:43 needy or a secure because you just won't
01:32:45 it won't be connecting with you you
01:32:47 won't be as able to be psychologically
01:32:50 safe in that context absolutely just as
01:32:54 an
01:32:55 avoidant has less number of orgasms in a
01:32:59 Friends with Benefits
01:33:03 scenario why because you have to give up
01:33:06 some emotional intimacy as an avoidant
01:33:09 in a friends with benefit situation
01:33:11 right and whereas secure would have a
01:33:15 slightly higher than they would with
01:33:17 with a one night stand so all of this is
01:33:19 really about all of this at the end of
01:33:21 the day it's about really knowing who
01:33:25 you are and why you are knowing
01:33:28 attachment style knowing about your
01:33:29 traumas in life knowing about your
01:33:31 triggers knowing about how you
01:33:33 communicate when you know all of these
01:33:35 things you become a master of your
01:33:37 environment Marcus Garvey from Jamaica
01:33:40 right would always say become the the
01:33:43 person who becomes a master of self
01:33:46 becomes a master of their environment it
01:33:48 always begins with self I've got to dig
01:33:50 deeper on this point of sex because it
01:33:53 made me ask the question that does that
01:33:55 suggest avoidance in the bedroom will
01:33:58 like a different type of sex to a
01:34:02 anxious like an avoidant might prefer a
01:34:06 sex that is a little bit
01:34:10 less intimate right if you know what I
01:34:13 mean so uh I'm going to be assuming here
01:34:17 yeah but I think this is a topic I I
01:34:19 need to study now I'm going to do I
01:34:21 think I'm do research study on this
01:34:22 seriously is I'm willing to bet that an
01:34:26 avoidant definitely has different sexual
01:34:30 boundaries and different sexual
01:34:32 interests than secure or anxious because
01:34:36 ultimately what what what is driving the
01:34:40 avoidant is saying I don't want the
01:34:43 emotional intimacy that comes with this
01:34:46 event so anything that's driving the
01:34:49 emotional intimacy I prefer not to have
01:34:52 it right so I would I would willing to
01:34:55 bet a voice like let's not really talk
01:34:57 we don't need to talk is it do we need
01:34:58 to talk no we don't need to talk about
01:35:00 no that's kissing no that's n let's not
01:35:02 kiss whereas I I I would willing to bet
01:35:05 a
01:35:06 secure wants and needs
01:35:09 that it's a good study and an anxious oh
01:35:12 oh I mean even more so an anxious
01:35:14 probably needs two days of foreplay you
01:35:17 know before and avoiding just want a
01:35:20 transaction just wants a transaction
01:35:22 right let's make it efficient maybe
01:35:24 that's part of the reason you know last
01:35:25 time we spoke I was speaking about
01:35:28 different sex languages the the way I
01:35:30 described it was figuring out that my
01:35:32 girlfriend was speaking Spanish and I
01:35:33 was speaking like French in the bedroom
01:35:34 and we just needed to find a mutual
01:35:37 language or I speak a little bit of
01:35:38 French he speaks a little bit of Spanish
01:35:39 whatever this is a metaphor for
01:35:41 different types of sort of sexual
01:35:42 preference or fantasy or things that
01:35:44 turn you on but maybe that goes to
01:35:46 explain why so many couples are
01:35:48 struggling in the bedroom because one of
01:35:52 them wants a certain type of Sex and the
01:35:55 other wants much more emotional sex yes
01:35:58 this is such an important
01:36:02 topic because I think when you can see
01:36:06 your partner through that lens it's no
01:36:08 longer oh my God can you believe it he
01:36:10 didn't even want to kiss me like he's a
01:36:12 he you know he's he's he's this he's
01:36:14 he's an [ __ ] but what it could be is
01:36:18 that he is severely avoidant this is
01:36:22 what he learned from his parents and
01:36:24 these are behaviors that can change so
01:36:27 let's work on the behaviors like I I I
01:36:29 rarely do we have bad people rarely yes
01:36:33 we there's a whole cohort of of of the
01:36:35 dark tetrad there there are bad people
01:36:38 but most people are good but simply have
01:36:41 bad behaviors we can work on the
01:36:43 behaviors or just different behaviors
01:36:45 right different Behavior that's true
01:36:47 that's true that's true different
01:36:49 behaviors I'm really just pondering this
01:36:51 idea of these
01:36:54 avoidance cuz I'm an avoidant and none
01:36:57 of my fantasies none of the things that
01:36:59 really turn me on involve like talking
01:37:04 and and like you know that like the the
01:37:08 things that you think of which is all
01:37:10 about like emotional connection and all
01:37:12 that stuff those aren't the things that
01:37:13 I I hold as like fantasies right those
01:37:15 aren't the things and I was thinking
01:37:17 about how our fantasies are derived from
01:37:20 our much of our like trauma and our our
01:37:24 our upbringing and our disconnection and
01:37:27 our you know if you were if you were
01:37:30 bullied in school I I see this a lot
01:37:32 actually I remember it just took flat my
01:37:34 head flashbacks when I was 18 and I met
01:37:35 a guy and one of his fantasies that he
01:37:38 was very vocal about was because he he
01:37:42 was powerless when he was younger he was
01:37:45 powerless in school and so he liked
01:37:47 using terminology in the bedroom I
01:37:50 remember him saying this to me that made
01:37:51 him feel empowered and I remember
01:37:53 thinking what a [ __ ] weirdo like at
01:37:55 the time yeah because it seemed a little
01:37:57 bit sadistic what he was saying but to
01:38:02 think that something that happens on the
01:38:03 playground can translate right to the
01:38:06 bedroom when you're 35 years old and the
01:38:08 thing that gives you an erection is
01:38:10 pretty pretty interesting it's worth
01:38:12 some further inspection it is I mean how
01:38:15 we our
01:38:17 experiences at home as we grew up are
01:38:21 experiences on the playground our
01:38:24 experiences with our first lovers but
01:38:28 even beyond that the experiences that
01:38:31 our great grandparents
01:38:34 had the wars that they were in the
01:38:36 Holocaust that they were in the
01:38:37 transatlantic slave trade that they were
01:38:39 a part of all of these
01:38:41 intergenerational bits of trauma right
01:38:44 all of these things shape how we show up
01:38:48 it shapes who you are today it shapes
01:38:50 who who I am today and that's why we
01:38:53 have to go back and understand this and
01:38:56 when you can understand that you can
01:38:57 more fully appreciate your partner you
01:39:00 know just like you're saying with your
01:39:02 friend I I think it it's it's it's so
01:39:04 great because you're saying okay when I
01:39:05 heard this that was it sound a crazy
01:39:07 talk but now I understand so we could
01:39:10 begin to dialogue about this you know
01:39:13 and it's and it's an interesting
01:39:14 question whether his fetish is wrong and
01:39:17 it's needs fixing and it's like yuck or
01:39:21 if it's just different mhm and I guess
01:39:24 that comes down to whether it hurts
01:39:26 anybody yeah I guess that's the key
01:39:28 exactly filter exactly if if if it hurts
01:39:31 it's he he's he's in the sadist category
01:39:34 uh and and that's something that should
01:39:35 be
01:39:36 addressed chapter seven of your book is
01:39:38 what to look for in a relationship yes
01:39:40 now I think this is a really really
01:39:41 important subject
01:39:43 because this is often where many people
01:39:45 go wrong and I went many I went wrong
01:39:47 for many many years by having this kind
01:39:49 of list of superficial things
01:39:51 we talked earlier about how women are
01:39:55 typically on average looking for someone
01:39:57 that has the same sort of academic level
01:39:59 of qualification as them in various
01:40:02 studies and there's multiple websites
01:40:05 now where you can go on and input what
01:40:08 you're looking for and these websites
01:40:09 tell you what chance you have of finding
01:40:12 that and I think much of the purpose of
01:40:14 these websites is just to illuminate the
01:40:16 fact that like it doesn't exist upstairs
01:40:20 before I came downstairs the reason I
01:40:21 was a couple of minutes late is I was
01:40:23 sat upstairs with my friend who's
01:40:24 upstairs watching now big fan of yours
01:40:26 and I asked them the questions I said
01:40:28 can you just tell me what you're looking
01:40:29 for in a man okay and there's only five
01:40:34 questions that one of these websites
01:40:36 asks it says these are the five
01:40:38 questions do you want someone is married
01:40:39 or not married person upstairs said not
01:40:42 married okay okay good check check what
01:40:45 race do you want them to be ideally and
01:40:47 I told them to be honest with me they
01:40:48 said why I said okay I said get out
01:40:52 you my friend how dare you um so they
01:40:55 said not married in white and I said how
01:40:57 high and she muled and she molded and
01:41:00 she she was like that and then she said
01:41:02 ideally I mean 6'2 or 63 but you know I
01:41:05 guess I should say and then she said 6
01:41:06 foot so I put in 62 okay and then I said
01:41:09 and then the fourth question is obese or
01:41:11 not obese she said not obese and I said
01:41:14 what amount of money do you want them to
01:41:16 earn she came out with 150k yeah right
01:41:20 sounds about right pounds in pounds so I
01:41:22 converted that to dollars for this
01:41:23 website the last question that I asked
01:41:25 was about the age range oh man right so
01:41:28 what age range do you want the person to
01:41:29 be and I believe she said yeah she said
01:41:30 31 to 45 wow okay okay so that narrows
01:41:34 it down further and then using data from
01:41:36 the 2020 annual social and economic
01:41:39 supplement the E the
01:41:42 ASC of the current population survey in
01:41:44 the united in the United States done by
01:41:47 the Census Bureau of the United States
01:41:51 this gives her a
01:41:55 0.046% chance of finding the person
01:41:58 there you go how' she how'd she
01:42:02 respond it was like that same sound
01:42:05 of [ __ ] yeah but I but I think that's
01:42:08 important because it go it leads into
01:42:10 what we're about to talk about which
01:42:13 is what should we be caring about what
01:42:15 should we be looking for because listen
01:42:16 if we're looking for someone that's You
01:42:18 Know Rich tall a certain race
01:42:21 certain certain
01:42:23 am and is not married when we thinking
01:42:28 about we're really setting ourselves up
01:42:30 for failure in many respects it's really
01:42:32 limiting us to a very small pool of
01:42:34 individuals we we we are so what is it
01:42:36 that you need from all of my research it
01:42:39 has come down 10 years of research on
01:42:41 this is I think there's five key
01:42:43 characteristics that we need one is you
01:42:46 need a partner who's emotionally fit
01:42:49 that's nowh on those questions question
01:42:51 I guarantee you she's right now saying
01:42:53 yes Paul I need emotionally fit I think
01:42:56 she's going I need a
01:43:00 $250,000 no no I'm going to convince her
01:43:02 on this emotional Fitness is far greater
01:43:06 than any amount of money and here's the
01:43:08 reason why emotional fit means that you
01:43:11 are emotionally stable you are
01:43:14 emotionally intelligent but but let me
01:43:16 talk about emotional stability this is
01:43:18 this is so important is that
01:43:21 in relationships what I often hear
01:43:23 people not mention at all is something
01:43:26 called Low
01:43:28 neuroticism that's being emotionally
01:43:30 stable now what is that that means that
01:43:33 when your partner goes through a high or
01:43:36 a low or you go through a high or a low
01:43:39 you still show up as the same person now
01:43:43 why is this important because life is
01:43:45 filled with ups and downs constantly I
01:43:48 would say that the moment I knew my wife
01:43:50 wife was the one that I wanted to marry
01:43:53 her was when my grandfather passed away
01:43:56 it was a crushing blow I loved him
01:43:59 dearly he passes away she dropped
01:44:01 everything to drive me eight hours she
01:44:05 went she she she did she went over and
01:44:09 Beyond to support me and she never
01:44:13 changed her behaviors never changed she
01:44:17 was always the same loving person when
01:44:19 she lost her job she lost her job when
01:44:21 we were dating never changed it was it
01:44:24 was demoralizing but she was still kind
01:44:28 to me right and and and and so to have
01:44:31 someone who's emotionally stable who can
01:44:32 go through the lows still remain
01:44:34 themselves is incredibly important so
01:44:36 you need someone who's emotionally fit
01:44:38 that's one second is you need someone
01:44:42 who has courageous Vision right and and
01:44:46 this speaks to Carol rift's six
01:44:47 dimensions of psychological well-being
01:44:49 you want someone who feels like they're
01:44:51 on the path to something because if you
01:44:53 don't feel like you're on the path to
01:44:54 something you are stuck in mediocrity
01:44:57 you are you you you don't have any drive
01:45:00 to get up in the morning right or you
01:45:02 you you you there's no assertiveness to
01:45:04 to to to how you show up in life so you
01:45:06 need someone that has a vision for
01:45:08 themselves in in life so so that's very
01:45:10 important you know next you need someone
01:45:13 who is I call it resiliently resourceful
01:45:17 very important when times are hard
01:45:19 someone who's res briliantly resourceful
01:45:22 they could bounce back like yeah I'm
01:45:24 going to be knocked down cuz you will be
01:45:25 knocked down see you must have been
01:45:27 knocked down all the time countless
01:45:29 right but what do you do you get back up
01:45:32 and you figure out a way how do I take
01:45:34 all of these pieces that have been
01:45:36 cracked and how do I create a beautiful
01:45:38 Mosaic out of those pieces that's
01:45:40 resilient resourcefulness incredibly
01:45:43 important then you need someone who's
01:45:45 open-minded right open-minded
01:45:47 understanding ultimately what does that
01:45:49 mean that means curiosity
01:45:51 and I say this curiosity is one of the
01:45:54 sexiest traits in the world curiosity
01:45:58 because if you have a partner who's
01:45:59 curious what will they do they want to
01:46:01 know everything about you they listen
01:46:03 they listen to you and they care about
01:46:06 what they're hearing and that allows you
01:46:08 to have strong emotional intimacy so
01:46:11 that's very important and then last is
01:46:13 you need someone who's going to give you
01:46:15 compassionate support someone who's
01:46:17 going to be there for you you know when
01:46:18 you get knocked down I'm right here for
01:46:21 you if you have these traits you have
01:46:25 the makings of the strongest partner for
01:46:30 you and that person doesn't have to test
01:46:32 highly in all those categories they just
01:46:34 simply need to be on the pathway to
01:46:37 realizing those because if you have
01:46:40 someone who embodies those
01:46:42 characteristics you have someone who
01:46:44 could resolve conflict with you but then
01:46:47 what does they say about online data and
01:46:51 dating apps because there's no dating
01:46:53 app that helps to illuminate emotional
01:46:55 Fitness the courageous Vision the
01:46:57 resilient resourcefulness the
01:46:58 open-mindedness The Compassion
01:47:00 compassionate supportive focus and
01:47:02 kindness and empathy that you talk about
01:47:03 there's no dating apps that put that
01:47:05 front and center I have to make a
01:47:07 decision on these dating apps within 0.1
01:47:10 seconds just based on you know does
01:47:12 their face look like Paul brunson's yeah
01:47:15 do they have shoulders like yeah but I
01:47:18 mean so it feels like every time I come
01:47:20 now I'm pitching you a dating app we
01:47:22 should we should
01:47:23 do no one would download this dating app
01:47:25 though that's the truth yeah see this is
01:47:28 why I've written this book right what
01:47:31 what I'm saying here is that is
01:47:33 attraction important yeah it's still
01:47:35 important I I I say that there's five
01:47:38 fundamentals but then there's also some
01:47:40 Dynamics we need we need to make sure
01:47:42 that we're physically attracted to the
01:47:43 person we need to have the same
01:47:44 relationship goals that's important we
01:47:46 need to make sure that U you know we can
01:47:48 resolve conflict together all all of
01:47:50 these pieces are important but what I'm
01:47:52 telling you is without question these
01:47:55 five fundamentals are the most important
01:47:57 now I believe that as our needs change
01:48:04 the technology will adapt to how our
01:48:06 needs change think about gen Z for
01:48:08 example gen Z is saying physical
01:48:11 attraction is important but my
01:48:13 willingness and desire to be authentic
01:48:16 is even more important so already we're
01:48:18 changing even on Tinder we're changing
01:48:20 we're allowing more options for people
01:48:23 to disclose more and more about
01:48:26 themselves so I think that the
01:48:28 technology will change as we depict our
01:48:32 needs to change as our needs change in
01:48:35 your book chapter 8 you talk about this
01:48:36 and you said the word earlier the dark
01:48:38 tetrad yes dark
01:48:41 tetrad
01:48:44 narcissists they exhibit attractive
01:48:48 qualities at the beginning of a
01:48:50 relationship right because that's
01:48:52 characterized by being sort of self
01:48:53 assured like on the surface it seems
01:48:55 like confidence yes you know yes there's
01:48:59 some great research around speed dating
01:49:02 and it looked at who are the most
01:49:04 successful when it comes to speed dating
01:49:07 and you know who the most successful are
01:49:08 two types of people narcissists and
01:49:12 Psychopaths they're the most successful
01:49:16 at speed dating now why is it the truth
01:49:19 what you were just saying they show up
01:49:20 as self assured as confident but you
01:49:22 know what else they do they're willing
01:49:24 to lie they're willing to tell you
01:49:27 anything you want to hear to get what
01:49:29 they want because that's their objective
01:49:32 their objective is to use you like this
01:49:35 cup of of of water right here when I'm
01:49:37 done drinking this water the cup is gone
01:49:40 I don't need it anymore that's how a
01:49:42 narcissist or a psychopath shows up and
01:49:45 so that's the reason why they're they're
01:49:46 they're Ultra successful is there a
01:49:48 certain type of person that's more PR to
01:49:50 be attracted to narcissists yes I mean
01:49:53 Psychopaths yeah they're definitely
01:49:55 there there's there's there's different
01:49:57 personality types that enable themselves
01:50:00 to a to anyone in the dark tetrad but in
01:50:04 essence what it is is in essence it's
01:50:06 going to be someone who is not secure
01:50:09 and it's going to be someone who has low
01:50:12 self-esteem because when you have low
01:50:14 self-esteem you're seeking that
01:50:16 validation you're seeking their
01:50:20 confirmation their affirmation of you
01:50:23 and the more that they distance
01:50:25 themselves they distance themselves from
01:50:27 you the more you want their affirmation
01:50:29 they probably see you as an easy target
01:50:31 as well they beam right into you and
01:50:35 they destroy your life they destroy your
01:50:37 life I I I think that the term
01:50:40 narcissism or narcissist is one of the
01:50:42 most overused words probably like in
01:50:46 modern-day dating everyone is a
01:50:48 narcissist but but everyone is not a
01:50:50 narcissist they're just a bit selfish
01:50:53 yep just a bit selfish just a bit of an
01:50:54 [ __ ] AR yeah just a little arrogant
01:50:57 people have narcissistic traits but when
01:51:00 you're talking about a clinically
01:51:02 diagnosed narcissist that is an
01:51:04 extremely dangerous person how many
01:51:06 people are within this dark tetrad that
01:51:10 you talk about and the dark tetrad is
01:51:11 narcissism psychopathy machism and
01:51:14 sadism right and sadism absolutely so
01:51:17 those those four make up the dark tetrad
01:51:20 and on average the estimate is less than
01:51:22 15 15% so less than 15% of the
01:51:26 population fall within one of those
01:51:29 categories now it's important to say
01:51:32 that that category extremely dangerous
01:51:36 to the point where a narcissist once a
01:51:39 narcissist always a
01:51:41 narcissist and so the question always to
01:51:43 me is well Paul I found out that my my
01:51:45 partner is is a
01:51:46 narcissist what do I do well I say
01:51:50 if you want to remain in a relationship
01:51:53 with someone that is going to
01:51:56 continually use you and may learn to
01:52:00 manage their behavior but will always
01:52:03 see you as an object to
01:52:05 use than stay in the relationship but
01:52:08 otherwise you have to leave what one of
01:52:09 my friends is one of the top experts on
01:52:12 narcissism in the world and when I sit
01:52:15 down I always say are you sure you can't
01:52:18 change if you're a narcissist like I
01:52:20 just met that he's a great guy like she
01:52:23 she she she without question you cannot
01:52:27 and she works with with with with
01:52:28 narcissists and tells me how she's able
01:52:31 to teach them how to just manage what it
01:52:34 is that they do but if you are someone
01:52:37 and and and your partner is and I'm not
01:52:39 talking about they have narcissistic
01:52:42 traits you know arrogant Etc I'm talking
01:52:44 about they are they've been clinically
01:52:46 diagnosed as a narcissist you are in for
01:52:48 an extremely extremely hard life with
01:52:51 them how' you spot a narcissist oh my
01:52:53 God I me you know so people talk about
01:52:55 love bombing all the time but but but
01:52:57 ultimately a narcissist's objective is
01:53:01 to use you for whatever it is like to
01:53:06 use you use you use you for for their
01:53:08 pleasure they could have some
01:53:10 machiavellianism mixed in because a lot
01:53:12 of the dark tetrad the characteristics
01:53:15 overlap where Mackie evanism is about
01:53:21 strategy specifically for their pleasure
01:53:24 so the key is to look at their
01:53:27 behavior and to look at their behavior
01:53:30 over a long period of time and this is
01:53:32 where it gets fatiguing but important so
01:53:37 the studies show that when you are in a
01:53:40 committed
01:53:41 relationship committed for two years on
01:53:44 average and then you get married the
01:53:47 divorce rate is substantially lower
01:53:49 right we found that the the divorce rate
01:53:50 is 20 22% now why is that it's because
01:53:54 you've had the opportunity to see your
01:53:57 partner in the ups and downs in the
01:53:59 highs and lows right to see if they have
01:54:01 low neuroticism can they bounce back to
01:54:03 see are they using you for whatever
01:54:07 their purposes are the challenge is a
01:54:09 lot of us see the
01:54:12 behavior and decide to stay you know why
01:54:15 we decide to stay because that list that
01:54:18 you he makes over 100,000 he's over six
01:54:23 feet he's this he's that he checks these
01:54:26 boxes that mean nothing to my happiness
01:54:30 truly means nothing to your happiness it
01:54:33 means something to the validation that
01:54:35 you're getting from the public but to
01:54:37 your actual well-being it's
01:54:40 insignificant it's
01:54:41 nothing but they check those boxes so
01:54:44 therefore I'm going to stay and you're
01:54:46 going to stay and this is what you're
01:54:48 going to get when you stay you're going
01:54:50 to live under duress you're going to
01:54:52 feel lonely you're going to feel
01:54:54 isolated your cortisol levels are going
01:54:56 to go up you're going to get
01:54:58 inflammation you're more susceptible to
01:54:59 disease you're going to die early you
01:55:01 are going to be miserable
01:55:04 why it's interesting when you're talking
01:55:06 about understanding their relationship
01:55:08 history because a narcissist wouldn't
01:55:09 tell you but then it got me thinking
01:55:11 about this idea of like cheating and
01:55:13 infidelity and betrayal in previous
01:55:16 relationships and I wanted to ask you
01:55:17 this random question which is if you
01:55:19 find out your partner has previously
01:55:21 cheated in other relationships is that a
01:55:24 red flag I mean I don't necessarily
01:55:27 necessarily uh ascribe to Red hard fast
01:55:31 like because I believe that behavior can
01:55:33 be can can can can can change so is
01:55:35 anything a red flag other than this dark
01:55:38 tetrad no nothing's a red flag there's
01:55:41 no such thing I think the dark tetrad is
01:55:43 is the red flag and no effort is the red
01:55:46 flag if criminal history at all I I you
01:55:50 know this is this is interesting I have
01:55:53 plenty of family members who have been
01:55:56 incarcerated and who are some of the
01:55:58 best people in the world I've met a lot
01:56:00 of them actually met a lot of
01:56:01 incarcerated people that are morally
01:56:03 better more sound than anybody I know
01:56:05 than anybody I know I would trust them
01:56:07 with my to to to with my child you know
01:56:10 um I think no effort is a red flag when
01:56:15 you have a partner who says n that
01:56:18 therap I'm not going to do that
01:56:20 what watch a a video on active listening
01:56:23 I'm not going to do that uh what you're
01:56:26 talking about we need to do a trust
01:56:28 exercise no no I'm I'm not that is a red
01:56:32 flag the dark tetrad those are red flags
01:56:36 I can't think of any others I had a
01:56:38 really random question I wanted to ask
01:56:39 you as well which is um if you don't
01:56:42 want to do something in a relationship
01:56:44 it kind of leads to what you were just
01:56:45 saying there if you don't want to do
01:56:48 something should did you tell your
01:56:50 partner so your wife goes to you Paul
01:56:52 hey Paul I want to go watch this ballet
01:56:54 thing um do you want to
01:56:57 come in that moment you have no desire
01:57:00 to go and watch the ballet yes right how
01:57:03 how does one respond are you asking for
01:57:06 for a friend for a friend yeah for a
01:57:09 friend oh my God all right no cuz like
01:57:11 something I've been thinking about a lot
01:57:12 lately which is like me and my partner
01:57:13 have talked about it a lot which is if I
01:57:16 ask her if she wants to do something yes
01:57:19 should
01:57:20 she tell me the truth and go no I don't
01:57:23 want to go watch Manchester United play
01:57:26 or should she should just come along and
01:57:28 do it because she should be helping me
01:57:30 meet my needs yeah all right to answer
01:57:33 that question it's really about your
01:57:36 history in resolving conflict and have
01:57:39 you been able to resolve conflict as a
01:57:41 partnership in a healthy way because
01:57:43 what we what ends up happening in
01:57:45 relationships is let's say before she
01:57:47 asked you about Manchester United right
01:57:50 you've had a disagreement but the
01:57:52 disagreement was not resolved and
01:57:56 there's pain on her side pain on your
01:57:57 side well she's going to learn and it
01:58:00 will be reinforced to not be truthful
01:58:04 with you because she knows that you as a
01:58:07 couple have an inability to resolve
01:58:08 conflict and therefore she wants to
01:58:10 protect herself and often times what
01:58:12 ends up happening in relationships is
01:58:14 that
01:58:16 patterns toxic behaviors patterns are
01:58:19 reinforced time and time and time again
01:58:22 so you get to a point where of course
01:58:23 you can't tell each other the truth cuz
01:58:25 the moment that you do it's it's a it's
01:58:26 a it's there's an explosion that's why
01:58:29 it's important you have to build a great
01:58:32 relationship is just like you're just
01:58:33 adding a layer on top of a layer on top
01:58:35 of a layer on top of a layer very thin a
01:58:38 piece of paper and every time that
01:58:40 you're able to do something good as a
01:58:42 partnership every time you affirm your
01:58:44 partner she affirms you you resolve
01:58:46 conflict whatever it may be it's another
01:58:48 layer that's added to to to that
01:58:50 partnership and as you're growing and
01:58:53 you're growing it affords you the
01:58:55 opportunity to be more bluntly
01:58:57 transparent to the point where I walk
01:58:59 out my wife's like why you have those
01:59:01 leather trousers on like those are
01:59:03 ridiculous like we're at the point where
01:59:05 we can in a most blunt way you know be
01:59:11 ridiculously authentic with each other
01:59:13 and it's because we have Stacks and
01:59:14 stacks and Stacks and stacks of previous
01:59:18 Foundation of History
01:59:20 so I can't immediately say walk out and
01:59:23 be ultra transparent because I don't
01:59:24 know what the history is but if you have
01:59:27 a strong history and you're able to
01:59:30 resolve conflict in a healthy way then
01:59:34 you are able to be even more transparent
01:59:37 it's you know relationships are this
01:59:40 constant balance of checking in
01:59:44 understanding your partner's feelings
01:59:46 affirming what those feelings are
01:59:48 understanding your desires what your
01:59:49 feelings are ensuring that they're
01:59:51 affirmed it's constant it's constantly
01:59:54 moving which is why I always say it's
01:59:55 like the the the marriage there's never
01:59:59 stagnation in a or in a partnership
02:00:01 you're never just this you're either
02:00:04 growing or the relationship is dying
02:00:08 like there there's no in between [ __ ]
02:00:10 there's no in between but it sounds like
02:00:11 it's growing sounds like yours you know
02:00:13 is growing it is growing because do you
02:00:15 know why it's growing because of the
02:00:16 thing you said earlier which is because
02:00:18 of effort and because both parties care
02:00:20 to put in the effort and so there must
02:00:23 be so many people I would Hazard a guess
02:00:25 that the majority of people are the 80%
02:00:28 that you described earlier you said
02:00:29 there's 20% that are happier than ever
02:00:31 and 80% that are less satisfied than
02:00:33 ever I would has to Guess that there's
02:00:35 an 80% of listeners out there now that
02:00:38 are in a relationship where they realize
02:00:39 that the effort is gone and it went they
02:00:42 don't know when it went maybe it was
02:00:43 when they had kids and work be became
02:00:46 really really busy but at some point
02:00:48 along the way way effort became
02:00:51 deprioritized yeah and there was a
02:00:54 belief
02:00:55 that things would stay the same even
02:00:59 without nutrients and water and sunlight
02:01:01 yes you know what I mean but there's no
02:01:04 nothing in nature can grow without
02:01:06 continual nourishment of some form so
02:01:09 chapter nine my last question
02:01:13 okay in chapter nine of your book you
02:01:15 talk about John godman's Four Horsemen
02:01:18 yes what are the four horsemen okay so
02:01:21 John gotman phenomenal I'd say one of
02:01:24 the top researchers on what it takes for
02:01:28 a marriage to sustain itself and he
02:01:33 analyzed hundreds and hundreds and
02:01:34 hundreds of of of couples and he
02:01:37 actually would break them down into six
02:01:39 second increments because he would he
02:01:41 would he would videotape them and he
02:01:43 would look at how they interact with
02:01:45 with each other and he determined that
02:01:48 based on how how they interact with each
02:01:50 other is indicative of if they will stay
02:01:53 together in a relationship and he
02:01:56 identified these
02:01:57 four uh attributes if you will these
02:02:00 four types of interaction that suggest
02:02:02 you know what things are a little shaky
02:02:04 and one of the four he if he sees with
02:02:08 99% accuracy he believes they will break
02:02:11 up so what are they one is
02:02:14 criticism one is
02:02:16 defensiveness a third is Stone Walling
02:02:19 but here's the biggest and I see this a
02:02:22 lot
02:02:24 contempt if you have a partner who shows
02:02:28 you contempt as Dr gotman would say
02:02:32 there's a 99% likelihood you you'll
02:02:34 break up as a couple now why is that the
02:02:37 reason why is because real contempt
02:02:41 suggests that you are on a whole another
02:02:44 level than your partner it's a level of
02:02:46 disrespect you're saying to your partner
02:02:48 you're no long longer on my level and
02:02:51 you can see contempt show up in these
02:02:53 small 6-second increments you you're
02:02:56 watching a couple you know I see it all
02:02:57 the time I see couples um arguing and
02:03:00 you see the eye roll the Look Away the
02:03:03 look back in just those moments One
02:03:07 partner is saying you're not even on my
02:03:09 level like you shouldn't even be my
02:03:11 presence right when you see that level
02:03:14 of disrespect coming from your partner
02:03:17 you know they don't they don't respect
02:03:18 you
02:03:19 they don't value you and so the the the
02:03:23 Four Horsemen of of the Apocalypse is is
02:03:25 is real and it's something that we need
02:03:27 to be aware of because when we're aware
02:03:29 of these things we we we can witness are
02:03:32 they showing up with our partner or are
02:03:35 they showing up with us where does that
02:03:36 contempt start what is the seed that
02:03:39 grows into contempt it it it could it
02:03:42 could start from a myriad of places you
02:03:44 know I fundamentally believe it begins
02:03:47 with us selecting bad Partners you know
02:03:50 it begins with us choosing a partner
02:03:53 that we have very little hope of
02:03:58 completing the Finish Line with you know
02:03:59 what I mean and so we are not on the
02:04:02 same page in terms of our relationship
02:04:04 goals maybe we don't share the same
02:04:05 values um you know our partner is not
02:04:08 kind to us we can't resolve conflict and
02:04:10 then every small
02:04:13 interaction there's another hairline
02:04:15 fracture another hairline fracture
02:04:17 another hairline fracture and it grows
02:04:20 most relationships don't break up
02:04:23 because of one incident they break up
02:04:26 because of hundreds of small little
02:04:29 incidents that happen over the course of
02:04:31 time and you get to a point where you
02:04:33 cannot take it anymore that's how most
02:04:36 relationships break up so how do we stop
02:04:38 those small incidents then compounding
02:04:40 into a divorce is it is it about
02:04:44 conflict resolution oh yeah the the top
02:04:47 reason why most researchers will say
02:04:50 that we break up or we divorce is
02:04:52 they'll point to finance or they'll say
02:04:54 infidelity or they but really what it is
02:04:56 to me what I believe it is is it's our
02:04:59 inability to resolve the conflict about
02:05:02 those topics so so so conflict
02:05:04 resolution becomes one of the
02:05:07 key drivers towards a highly satisfied
02:05:11 relationship but it begins before that
02:05:14 it begins with us reflecting on us doing
02:05:18 the woo work and saying am I happy like
02:05:21 when I wake up do I wake up with a smile
02:05:23 on my face when I go to sleep like am I
02:05:26 content am I happy with where I am at
02:05:27 life do I do I feel like you know I'm
02:05:29 not where I want to be but but do I feel
02:05:31 like I'm on the pathway if you're
02:05:33 answering yes to those things you are in
02:05:36 a place of satisfaction which means that
02:05:38 your light is on which means that I
02:05:40 guarantee you the people in your life
02:05:41 their light is on you're meeting more
02:05:43 people you're interacting with greater
02:05:45 people you have a greater ability to
02:05:46 meet new people meet people share those
02:05:49 same desires and their light is on as
02:05:51 well if your light is not on and you're
02:05:54 checking boxes then you're most likely
02:05:57 going to meet someone and their light
02:05:58 won't be on but they're checking boxes
02:06:00 so you're already starting in a place
02:06:05 where your relationship is doomed to
02:06:07 fail Cheryl Samberg 2014 her book uh
02:06:11 leanin when she wrote that book it blew
02:06:14 me away because she she said who you
02:06:17 choose as a partner
02:06:19 is the most important career decision
02:06:21 you could make then a couple years later
02:06:24 Warren Buffett comes out in his uh
02:06:26 documentary and he says who you choose
02:06:28 as a partner is the most important
02:06:31 decision you could make and when I heard
02:06:34 that I thought to myself W this this is
02:06:37 interesting because I was seated in
02:06:39 finance and I thought it was about my
02:06:42 network and education and who you know
02:06:45 but really as I began to look at the
02:06:51 people who were the most satisfied in my
02:06:54 life it was always the people who had
02:06:57 the strongest Intimate
02:06:59 Relationships Paul we have a closing
02:07:01 tradition on this podcast where the last
02:07:02 guest leaves a question for the next
02:07:04 guest the question left for you
02:07:07 is what things are you doing that are
02:07:09 contributing to keeping you stuck or
02:07:12 stopping you from progressing wow in the
02:07:15 way that you would like oh
02:07:17 wow I still fight with
02:07:21 feeling that I I feel like I'm the
02:07:25 underdog all the
02:07:27 time and I think there's so many things
02:07:33 that I
02:07:35 overanalyze that I shouldn't be but I
02:07:40 I'll I'll give you an example and this
02:07:41 is this is a this is real and and I know
02:07:44 people can empathize with this is you
02:07:47 know sometimes I'll I'll talk to someone
02:07:50 and I'll say you know are are you
02:07:53 responding to me that way because I'm a
02:07:55 black man is that why are you responding
02:07:58 to me that way because I'm American are
02:08:01 you responding to me that way because
02:08:03 I'm whatever you see me on tele like I'm
02:08:07 always second guessing what I'm hearing
02:08:11 and I think it's because I view myself
02:08:13 as this Underdog maybe not worthy not
02:08:16 enough that I am
02:08:21 overanalyzing the positive is that it
02:08:24 gives me extra drive an extra assert an
02:08:28 extra I'm goingon to go kill it because
02:08:31 because of that but the downside is that
02:08:34 I think I'm creating
02:08:35 barriers and
02:08:37 roadblocks and maybe they're just asking
02:08:39 me the question because they're curious
02:08:41 you know maybe they're genuinely
02:08:44 interested and that's the reason why the
02:08:45 question is being asked like maybe I am
02:08:49 I'm I'm it's it's I'm I'm adding too
02:08:51 much to to what it is I'm I'm I'm
02:08:53 overthinking it but I think all of this
02:08:56 is holding me back I would like to be
02:08:58 able to just more so free flow with life
02:09:02 and not think of it as chess I think of
02:09:05 it as chess you know and I want to think
02:09:08 of it less as chess chess is is uh is is
02:09:13 exhausting exhausting yeah Checkers is
02:09:16 so much
02:09:16 easier Paul thank thank you you've um
02:09:19 you've written a unbelievably great book
02:09:22 and the accessibility of this book The
02:09:24 timeliness of this book and the um the
02:09:28 wisdom that is poured into all of these
02:09:30 Pages both qualitative and quantitative
02:09:32 research over you know the the amount of
02:09:34 incredible people that I know of that I
02:09:36 dream of having on this podcast one day
02:09:37 that you've cited in your work in this
02:09:39 book is phenomenal and at the very end
02:09:42 of the book you have some actionable
02:09:44 elements with this um yes wonderful
02:09:47 long-term relationship satisfaction
02:09:49 scale yes which means that you can turn
02:09:51 all the wisdom that you've heard on this
02:09:52 podcast today but also all the book all
02:09:54 the wisdom in these pages into something
02:09:56 actionable and this book is really
02:09:57 actionable that's one of the amazing
02:09:59 things about it you learn and you and
02:10:02 you know you go right back through the
02:10:03 research and the history of humans and
02:10:06 technology and Match.com and all of
02:10:08 those amazing things but you're left
02:10:09 with actionable advice on how to make
02:10:12 changes in your life um and key
02:10:14 takeaways as we see at the end of the
02:10:16 chapters what a wonderful timely book
02:10:18 what an important one because as often
02:10:20 as said the quality of Our Lives can be
02:10:22 determined by the quality of our
02:10:23 relationships and this is exactly what
02:10:25 this book Endeavors to do and does so
02:10:26 well yes so thank you Paul for gracing
02:10:28 our our show Once once again it's always
02:10:30 an honor I could speak to you for
02:10:31 [ __ ] hours thank so we're gonna have
02:10:33 to do this again sometime but I I I deep
02:10:36 I deeply appreciate it it is an honor to
02:10:39 to be here and uh love the conversation
02:10:42 thank
02:10:43 you do you need a podcast to listen to
02:10:45 next we've discovered that people who
02:10:47 liked this episode also tend to
02:10:50 absolutely love another recent episode
02:10:52 we've done so I've linked that episode
02:10:54 in the description below I know you'll
02:10:56 enjoy
02:11:02[Music]
02:11:05 it
💫 FAQs about This YouTube Video
1. What is the state of dating according to Paul Carrick Brunson?
Paul Carrick Brunson discusses the historical evolution of dating and the current desire for self-expression and fulfillment in relationships. He also mentions the potential benefits and challenges of arranged marriages.
2. How important is it to choose the right partner in a relationship?
Choosing the right partner is crucial in a relationship, as it can lead to a longer, happier, and healthier life. Research suggests that entering into an arranged marriage, where the partner is chosen with the input of family members, can result in higher satisfaction and longer-lasting marriages.
3. What are the key characteristics to look for in a partner?
According to Paul Carrick Brunson's 10 years of research, there are five key characteristics to look for in a partner: kindness, loyalty, flexibility, empathy, and emotional health.
4. How can one ensure a successful relationship?
Having a strong support system and the ability to make relationship decisions together can help ensure a successful relationship. It is also important to focus on personal growth and well-being, as these factors contribute to the strength of a relationship.
5. What is the impact of choosing the wrong partner in a relationship?
Choosing the wrong partner can have significant negative effects, including decreased happiness, poor health, and even a higher likelihood of experiencing domestic violence. It is crucial to choose a partner who can bring out the best in oneself.
6. How have men's struggles in the dating climate been acknowledged in the conversation?
The acknowledgment of men's struggles in the dating climate has led to a focus on creating safe spaces for men to talk and address their challenges.
7. What does the golden mean in mate selection suggest about a woman's attractiveness?
The golden mean in mate selection suggests that a woman's attractiveness is linked to her fertility and youth, which are desirable traits for ensuring the survival of offspring.
8. Why do men fear rejection in the dating world, according to the video?
Men fear rejection in the dating world due to the historical need for a mate who could provide protection and resources, leading to a focus on men's self-esteem and self-worth.
9. How can individuals use the concept of the 'premium effect' to increase their chances of finding someone to fall in love with?
Individuals can increase their chances of finding love by putting themselves in situations where they are a scarce commodity, which can be achieved by showcasing their authentic selves and unique qualities.
10. What is the key to success in online dating according to the video?
The key to success in online dating is authenticity, as the data shows that being genuine and embracing one's quirks is what wins in the dating world.
11. What is the importance of being transparent about desires and traits in a dating app?
Being transparent about desires and traits in a dating app is crucial as it allows for genuine and authentic connections to be formed. When individuals are open about what they are seeking and their personal traits, it enables potential matches to make informed decisions and fosters healthy relationships based on mutual understanding and acceptance.
12. How can one work on personal growth before entering a relationship?
Working on personal growth before entering a relationship is essential. This can be achieved through self-reflection, therapy, and a commitment to addressing any underlying issues or areas for improvement. By being proactive in self-development, individuals can enter into relationships from a healthier and more fulfilled state, contributing to the success and well-being of the partnership.
13. What is the impact of attachment styles on adult relationships?
Attachment styles play a significant role in adult relationships, influencing how individuals interact with their partners and navigate emotional intimacy. By understanding their attachment style, individuals can better communicate their needs and preferences within the relationship, leading to greater compatibility and harmonious dynamics.
14. Why is it important to focus on the quality of relationships and self-awareness in dating and marriage?
Focusing on the quality of relationships and self-awareness is crucial in dating and marriage as it contributes to the success and fulfillment of the partnership. By valuing self-awareness, individuals can engage in relationships with a better understanding of themselves and their needs, leading to healthier, more meaningful connections.
15. How can individuals enhance their communication and relationship skills for better personal and professional outcomes?
Individuals can enhance their communication and relationship skills by investing in their personal growth and self-improvement. This can be achieved through practices such as active listening, empathy development, and a commitment to understanding and addressing any communication or relational challenges that may arise.
16. What are the key characteristics to look for in a partner according to the speaker's research?
The speaker's research has identified five key characteristics to look for in a partner: emotional fitness, courageous vision, resilient resourcefulness, open-mindedness, and compassionate support. These traits are crucial for a strong and healthy relationship.
17. How can one determine if a potential partner exhibits narcissistic traits?
The speaker suggests observing the potential partner's behavior over a long period of time to determine if they exhibit narcissistic traits. In committed relationships, behavior is often a key indicator, and the ability to observe how a partner handles ups and downs can reveal their level of neuroticism and stability.
18. What are the potential red flags to look out for in a partner?
The potential red flags to look out for in a partner are related to the dark tetrad, which includes narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism. These traits can indicate a toxic and dangerous partner. Additionally, a lack of effort in the relationship and a history of cheating in previous relationships can also be considered red flags.
19. Why is conflict resolution considered a key factor in a successful relationship?
Conflict resolution is considered a key factor in a successful relationship because the inability to resolve conflicts is believed to be the primary reason for breakups and divorces. Having the skills to effectively manage and resolve conflicts can lead to a highly satisfying relationship.
20. What does the speaker emphasize as the most important decision in one's life?
The speaker emphasizes that choosing the right partner is the most important decision a person can make in their life. This idea is supported by Cheryl Sandberg and Warren Buffett, who also believe that selecting a life partner is paramount to one's happiness and success.
21. What is the book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' about?
The book 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman is a guide for couples to have meaningful conversations and strengthen their relationships. It covers important aspects of relationships such as trust, sex, and spirituality, and provides exercises and questions for couples to engage in during each 'date'.
22. Why is the book 'Eight Dates' considered important for improving relationships?
The book 'Eight Dates' is considered important for improving relationships because it offers a structured approach and actionable advice on how to make changes in one's life. It focuses on the belief that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships, making this book a vital resource for enhancing and sustaining meaningful connections.
23. What recommendation is given for the next podcast to listen to?
The next podcast episode is recommended for those who enjoyed the current episode, and a link to another recent episode is provided in the description for easy access and enjoyment.
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