Zoltan Kaszas - Honorary Jones (FULL SPECIAL) 2024
Zoltan Kaszas2024-06-16
Zoltan kaszas#modern male#cat jokes#dry bar comedy#Netflix#full special stand up#full special comedy#zolton kansas#zoltan kaszas full stand up#zoltan kaszas dry bar comedy#nate bargatze#jim gaffigan#brian regan stand up#josh johnson#dont tell comedy#clean stand up comedy#clean stand up comedy full show#clean stand up#zoltan kaszas comedian#clean stand up comedy 2024#dan soder#shane gillis#hungarian comedian#zoltan comedy#comedy special#sam morril
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💫 Short Summary
The speaker reflects on various personal experiences, humorously discussing topics like stealing, New York City life, awkward interactions, marriage, health concerns, and travels. They share anecdotes about hypochondria, medical scares, and humorous encounters, including a unique Japanese toilet experience. The speaker also discusses father figures and the impact of genuine connections, highlighting the importance of love, family dynamics, and staying true to oneself. The overall message emphasizes finding humor and joy in life's uncertainties and challenges.
✨ Highlights
📊 Transcript
✦
Reflections on the current state of the world
02:24The speaker discusses environmental issues such as wildfires and pollution in a humorous manner.
Anticipation of disastrous events is contrasted with the reality of living life to the fullest.
Personal experiences and jokes about stealing are shared to emphasize the importance of enjoying life.
The overall message highlights the importance of finding joy and fulfillment despite uncertainties and challenges.
✦
Speaker recounts stealing a bottle of water from the airport and humorously comments on TSA security measures.
04:58Airports are described as easy places to steal from due to lack of security coverage.
Speaker questions the necessity of bomb-sniffing dogs and imagines a scenario where one is unavailable.
Speaker shares his experience with TSA security at JFK airport, where travelers must walk by bomb-sniffing dogs in pairs.
✦
Comedian's experience adjusting to life in New York City.
08:17Challenges of fitting in and adapting to the fast-paced, serious environment.
Pressure to conform, stand out, and avoid making eye contact in the city.
Contrast between New York and San Diego lifestyles, struggle to maintain a positive attitude and smile in a tough and aggressive city.
✦
Awkward interaction with a woman leads to embarrassing eye contact moments.
11:40Humorous anecdote of a woman on the subway offering a treat.
Relief expressed when arguments escalate to violence, as it won't involve him.
Fear of random attacks highlighted by a summer slasher incident.
Humorous commentary on wife's concern and impracticality of defending against unexpected threats.
✦
Importance of addressing silly arguments in relationships to prevent escalation.
15:17Speaker shares anecdote about arguing over room choices in an unaffordable house.
Emphasis on balancing shared activities and individual pursuits in relationships.
Reflection on the pressure of a second marriage and working through disagreements with humor.
Speaker highlights the need to call out and laugh off disagreements.
✦
The speaker's elopement to Italy for their wedding showcases the vibrant atmosphere and lack of depression in the country.
19:30The confident and lively demeanor of the Italian people is attributed to the use of cologne as aromatherapy for confidence.
Witnessing an argument between an Italian couple is described as a form of beautiful domestic drama, akin to watching an opera.
Despite the intensity of the argument, the speaker finds humor in the situation and reflects on the need to navigate challenges in their marriage.
✦
Contrasting Approaches to Health Concerns.
21:55The speaker's wife is portrayed as a hypochondriac who constantly wakes up with new illnesses and jumps to conclusions.
An anecdote is shared about the wife self-diagnosing 'wrist cancer' after researching symptoms online.
The speaker admits to his own reluctance to seek medical help, waiting a week before getting checked out.
The segment humorously highlights the differences in how the couple approaches health concerns, with the speaker's laid-back attitude contrasting with his wife's hypochondria.
✦
Awkward conversation about health insurance and urologist appointment.
26:14The man's wife pushes for a medical issue to be checked out, causing discomfort and humor.
The man expresses reluctance to discuss the situation, emphasizing the impending awkwardness.
The humorous interaction highlights the awkwardness of the upcoming medical visit.
The anecdote showcases the humorous side of uncomfortable conversations about health.
✦
Comedian pitched TV show idea by doctor during appointment.
29:15Show concept involves revealing inner monologues of doctors and patients.
Comedian finds idea amusing but doubts his fame can contribute.
Doctor proceeds with examination, resulting in humorous and awkward moment.
Comedian describes awkwardness of situation and doctor's examination process.
✦
Speaker recounts a medical scare involving a cancer scare and subsequent tests.
32:23Doctor reassured speaker that cancer was unlikely after undergoing blood tests and ultrasound.
Speaker felt awkward during the ultrasound, as the technician resembled his mother.
Technician couldn't provide any hints on the condition, leaving speaker anxious for results.
Results were to be given by the doctor in two days, increasing speaker's anxiety during the wait.
✦
Speaker recounts medical scare involving swollen testicles and doctor's recommendation for tighter underwear.
35:02Speaker discusses travels over past year, including getting married, moving to New York, and trips to Italy, Asia, Bangkok, and Bali.
Despite flying 32 hours to Thailand, speaker discovers he doesn't actually like Thai food.
Speaker humorously reflects on expectations of being like Anthony Bourdain while traveling but ending up as an American tourist in a Hawaiian shirt asking for Pepto.
Speaker jokes about setting a new record for consecutive weeks of diarrhea.
✦
Speaker's humorous experience with a Japanese toilet in a high-end hotel in Thailand.
39:21Speaker discovers buttons on the wall for different functions and water pressure levels, sparking curiosity.
Speaker cautiously explores the options, likening it to a gym workout.
Speaker humorously contemplates potential consequences of using the toilet.
Highlighting unexpected features and the humorous situation.
✦
Positive impact of high-tech toilet on speaker's mood and routine.
42:22Speaker praises innovative features like warm air dryer.
Reflection on inventor's courage and determination to bring idea to life.
Highlighting entrepreneurial journey involved in creating product.
Speaker shares personal anecdotes about upbringing and importance of love and family dynamics.
✦
Speaker reflects on father figures Mr. Rogers, Shawn Michaels, and Daryl Jones.
45:51Speaker humorously compares Mr. Rogers' kindness, Shawn Michaels' toughness, and Daryl Jones' work ethic.
Speaker blends the characteristics of these father figures to shape his own behavior.
Daryl Jones, his best friend's dad, ran a mechanic shop where the speaker worked before pursuing comedy full-time.
✦
Mr. Jones: A unique character with quirky habits and amusing stories.
48:00Mr. Jones had a heavyset figure, smoked, and often had his crack showing while working.
Despite being from Albuquerque, he shared Southern sayings and stories.
Mr. Jones was intimidating and was banned from Best Buy for choking an employee during a Christmas gift purchase gone wrong.
✦
Encouragement from Mentor Daryl After Failed Comedy Show
52:46The speaker recounts a time when he did not receive payment for a comedy show that did not go well.
Despite the disappointment, his mentor Daryl supported him and even suggested causing a scene to get his payment.
Daryl's encouragement and humor helped the speaker navigate the failure and move forward positively.
✦
The impact of genuine connections and staying true to oneself in difficult situations.
54:47Daryl Jones, who passed away in 2019 while awaiting a heart transplant, showcased a unique form of love by being willing to commit a felony to help someone get a check.
Despite facing grim news, Daryl maintained his humor and authenticity until the end, expressing his beliefs in a light-hearted manner.
The speaker was deeply touched by Daryl's attitude, emphasizing the importance of staying true to oneself even in challenging circumstances.
00:01[Music]
00:29that's I'm so glad you guys are here you
00:31got to be out you know it's Thursday
00:33night it's a school night but you guys
00:35came
00:35out yeah you have to you got to go out
00:38you got to live it up right you got to
00:40live it up yeah cuz it's it's almost
00:44over isn't
00:46it not the show but the world that's
00:49that's wrapping up isn't it day by day
00:54every day hotter than the day
00:56before some days you can't breathe the
00:58air we had that in New York we had the
01:01Canadian Wildfire air come in there's
01:03all this fire somewhere else and the
01:05smoke came in that we couldn't breathe
01:06the air for the day there's a day I had
01:09to put on a mask to go outside cuz the
01:11air was poison there's a day I had to
01:13put on a mask to go outside to put my
01:15recycling in the proper trash
01:17can and it just felt too late you
01:22know like what I was like yeah that
01:25ought to do it right
01:27there those six empty white clock hands
01:30ought to Pivot Us in the right
01:32direction the world was doomed until
01:35zultan put the aluminium in the proper
01:39recepticle that's what they'll say in
01:41the
01:43documentaries that's how you know you're
01:44watching a good documentary by the way
01:46they say the word aluminium that's a
01:49high-end documentary that's a Netflix
01:52setup you hear aluminum that's a YouTube
01:54video you're
01:55watching don't skip the ads they need
01:57the revenue
02:00but yeah the world's ending but at least
02:01we get to see it that's kind of cool
02:04right we got front row seats for the
02:06end it's kind of exciting except it
02:09isn't it's not that exciting I thought
02:12it would be more wow but it's just more
02:15oh like I thought it would be exciting I
02:18grew up in the 9s where they had like
02:20disaster films like Deep Impact remember
02:22Deep Impact it's like a comic coming for
02:24the Earth everyone knew for a week
02:25people lost their mind like Elijah Wood
02:28got married at 12 he stole a dirt bike
02:31he's knocking off bucket list things
02:33that's how I thought the Earth would end
02:35there's a comet coming for the Earth
02:36everyone knew for a week people would
02:38freak out then it hits the ocean 100
02:40foot tidal wave comes my wife and I go
02:42out to the beach to watch it come in and
02:44have one last moment one last make out
02:46sesh just
02:47a just get in there and then just and
02:51just get wiped out but apparently it's
02:53not going to be that
02:55exciting it's GNA happen slowly every
02:58day we're just gonna go outside just
03:01woo
03:08right and we'll argue all the way to the
03:10end won't we we'll argue with each other
03:12as the water levels rise we'll just be
03:14like so who you voting for in
03:20November that's how we're going to write
03:22it
03:24out it's a joke about the end but I said
03:27it with a smile so it's it's still
03:29pretty
03:31positive so I guess the moral of the
03:33show is just live it up man live it up
03:35cuz it's almost over yeah live it up
03:38that's what I've been doing I've been
03:39living it up I recently started stealing
03:41that's uh that's what I started doing I
03:45don't know if you've ever stolen
03:46anything but it's pretty
03:48sweet like you know when you pay for
03:50something and feel nothing afterwards
03:52you're like yes this is mine now but
03:54when you steal you're
03:56like it's exhilarating feel like you're
03:59getting away with
04:01something I haven't stolen anything up
04:03until this year then I stole something
04:04I'm like I never want to pay for
04:06anything ever again I stole a bottle of
04:09water at the airport that's what I sto
04:11stole a b well you
04:14know just getting started you
04:18know going to step it up a
04:21notch but yeah I get dry out at the
04:24airport I don't know what they do at the
04:25airport but I get parched out there and
04:27uh I wanted to buy a B I was going to
04:29pay for for the bottle of water and they
04:30had two lines they had self checkout
04:32line that had nobody and then there's
04:34the human being which had 10 people and
04:36I waited for the human being line cuz
04:37that's the only way to fight the robots
04:39right you got to wait for the human
04:41being so I waited in line for the human
04:43being had my credit card ready I got all
04:45the way up to the front and the lady saw
04:47my credit card she goes o you paying
04:49with credit card I'm like yeah she goes
04:50I can only take cash if you're paying
04:52with credit card you got to do self
04:53checkout and I was like oh all right and
04:56then I just walked out with my bottle of
04:58water
05:00and I never felt more alive that was
05:03that was exhilarating I felt like Brad
05:05Pitt in Oceans 11 I was like get me a
05:08suit and a shrimp cocktail immediately
05:10this is good and then I got her to
05:12flight to Milwaukee like a
05:14fugitive never going to catch me
05:18now the airport's a great place to steal
05:20from it is if you're looking to get into
05:22the world of thievery start at the
05:24airport great place to steal from you
05:27steal whatever you want nobody cares
05:29nobody cares at the airport the
05:30airport's this weird place where they
05:32have a lot of security and then nothing
05:34after
05:35that they made a big mistake they front
05:38loaded all their security they should
05:40have spread them out a little but they
05:42didn't they put them all in the front
05:44and once you break that wave there's
05:46nothing after that I'm telling you next
05:48time you're at the airport go steal like
05:49a little iHeart San Diego fridge magnet
05:52and just walk out just what don't even
05:54hide it hold it up as you
05:56leave I promise you nobody's coming
05:59nobody is coming that dude with the
06:01badge you got liquids that guy's not
06:04coming not coming that dog with the
06:07bulletproof vest for no
06:10reason not
06:12coming you just get to leave like a
06:17fugitive I love the bomb sniffing dog
06:20with the bulletproof vest he's my
06:21favorite piece of TSA security cuz I fly
06:24every week I see this dog every week and
06:27I wonder sometimes I'm like is it a bomb
06:29sniff dog or is it ever just a
06:32dog you know cuz I have two pets at home
06:35and they have to see the vet a lot and
06:36I'm like how many bomb sniffing dogs can
06:39there be is there ever a day when they
06:41show up and someone's like Hey where's
06:42the dog I'm like oh he's getting his
06:44teeth clean today he ain't coming
06:46in and then some other guys like well
06:49what are we going to do and they're like
06:50I guess we're just not going to have a
06:51bomb sniffing dog and then like a third
06:52guy's like uh I got a
06:56dog you want to just put the vest on
06:59this dog
07:01I think they do that way more than we
07:04think I honestly do cuz I fly every week
07:07every week in a JFK they make you go 2
07:09by two with a stranger if you fly by
07:11yourself which I do a lot and you got to
07:13go two by two and you walk by the dog
07:15and it's one time I went and the dog
07:17barked at the dude in front of me it was
07:18a big deal just and everyone's
07:22like we got one and then the dude with
07:24the Leisure was like what no no no go
07:26ahead you're good you're good and
07:29everyone's like oh my God that's just a
07:33dog that wasn't a special dog at
07:37all that guy had jerky in his backpack
07:39and the entire operation came crumbling
07:43down we're all
07:47screwed so yeah live it up that's what
07:49I've been doing it's a big year moved to
07:50New York this year uh which was uh yeah
07:53yeah it's a weird one to clap I
07:56know every time I tell people that I we
07:58moved to New York from San Diego
08:00everyone's like
08:02why why would you do that do you not
08:05have eyes what
08:07happened and it's like I always wanted
08:09to live in the big city like I I watched
08:10Muppets Take Manhattan when I was a kid
08:13and I was like that looks fun I got to
08:15give that a a try so we've been out
08:17there since April and it's we're not
08:19fitting in at
08:22all I just don't have the vibe for it
08:24that's a real City we're real City
08:26people everyone's out there they always
08:28look like they have something to go to
08:30and I'm just out there like a San diegan
08:32just looking to kill some
08:35time that's not the vibe for that
08:40City people leave their house in New
08:42York like yeah we're going to chase some
08:44gos people leave their house in San
08:46Diego like what do you want to do
08:50today and I just don't fit that City
08:53that city is aggressive you can't come
08:54in all you know I can't help it I smile
08:57too much I smile too much much that's
08:59not a smiling City but I can't help it I
09:01was raised here in the sunshine I just
09:04have vitamin D flowing out of my gills I
09:07can't help it sometimes I'll just leave
09:09the house and for no
09:14reason just feels some Joy you
09:18know and it's not a good it's not good
09:21cuz everyone else in New York is a
09:22serious don't mess with me face they got
09:24a good just a brooding you know like
09:27annoyed but smart but angry but
09:30perturbed you know just like an author
09:32that doesn't know how to finish their
09:33novel like that kind of like how do I
09:36kill the protagonist like that kind of
09:39energy and I don't have that I just look
09:41like I love my
09:43mother that's not the kind of energy you
09:46want to bring to that you know to that
09:48City it's pretty aggressive out there so
09:50I'm trying I'm trying my best trying not
09:52to smile trying not to react to noises
09:54that's also big in a big city if you
09:56walk down the street and you hear
09:57someone go hey that's not for
10:01you that's a really tough lesson to
10:03learn all
10:05right every time I leave my house I hey
10:08I'll be like
10:11huh you know what happens I make eye
10:14contact with the last person on the
10:15planet I've ever wanted to make eye
10:17contact with and I'm like oh hot damn
10:20all
10:21right and it happens all the time I make
10:24eye contact you're not supposed to make
10:25eye contact in that City but I can't
10:26help it I can't help it if you got a
10:28weird face I'mma
10:32look if you got a funny hat or a
10:34different haircut I'mma take a look and
10:37you're not supposed to you're just
10:38supposed to but I can't help it it
10:41happened on the subway my wife and I
10:42were on the subway and there was a wild
10:45woman sitting in front of us that's not
10:47the technical term but you know what I'm
10:48talking about I'm always afraid to use
10:51the technical term cuz we always change
10:53the technical term and I don't want to
10:54accidentally say the old term so you
10:56know what I do I actually try to guess
10:58what the next term is going to be
11:00you guys ever do that try to be extra
11:02ahead of it yeah so I made eye contact
11:04with this woman she was uh mentally
11:06spectacular that's what I've been uh
11:09that's what I've been going
11:11with I actually think that could be the
11:13next term I don't know if anyone's in
11:14charge write that vote
11:18in but I made eye contact with this
11:20woman as soon as I did I'm like oh no
11:22and and I broke away I looked down I was
11:25like oh that was so bad never look up
11:27again but then we made contact again
11:31second time definitely my fault
11:32definitely my fault I thought I'd catch
11:34her on a turn or something and I look up
11:37boom and now we're locked in and I'll
11:39never forget that she had earbuds in
11:41with the cord which is always a bad move
11:43and I remember she locked in and she pop
11:45one of her earbuds out and she goes boy
11:48do I have a treat for
11:51you that is the most terrifying sentence
11:53I've ever heard my entire life boy do I
11:57have a treat for you I Le I grabbed my
12:00wife's leg
12:03I thankfully there was a woman next to
12:05her and I think it was her job to do
12:07this she went no no no sweetheart
12:09remember we said we're not going to do
12:10that anymore and she's like huh I forgot
12:14and she put her earbud back in and I'm
12:16like thank God for you right now you're
12:19a
12:20hero cuz if you weren't here I would
12:23have just been stuck there with her
12:24going boy do I have a treat for
12:27you no
12:30please God
12:32no it's hard out there I don't know if
12:34you follow the news it's pretty violent
12:36city a lot of people get stabbed on the
12:38subway people get pokey down there uh
12:41which I follow the news it's very scary
12:43but I'm always happy any time there's a
12:45stabbing when they say that an argument
12:47led to the stabbing cuz I know that that
12:50will never be me you know I will like if
12:52someone comes up to me and goes I'll
12:54just be like you know it you
12:57know that'll never as es alate to a
13:01stabbing agreeing will if you agree you
13:04will never be
13:05stabbed did you know I know I've been
13:08trying to tell you
13:10yeah that guy never gets stabbed and
13:12that's who I
13:14am I'm always happy when an argument led
13:17to the stabbing cuz that makes sense
13:18right two people had a
13:21disagreement like that that makes sense
13:24two people had a disagreement led to a
13:26stabbing as it should you know
13:30but what scares me is the random ones
13:32like in the summer we had a random
13:34slasher this guy would just get you
13:36without the Preamble there was no
13:38buildup he would get you while you were
13:40going up the stairs he'd get the back of
13:42your legs like a little Subway Zoro he'd
13:45give you a little
13:46engraving as you were going to work
13:48which is terrifying you can't even
13:49defend yourself You're vulnerable You're
13:50going upstairs how do you defend hey you
13:53can't there's no defense for I don't
13:56care what kind of Jiu-Jitsu you know you
13:59don't train for the stairs all
14:02right and I'm out there doing comedy
14:05every night and my wife's scared and she
14:06goes watch out for the slasher and I'm
14:08like yeah I'll try you
14:10know and she's like you should take a
14:12knife with you I'm like yeah that ought
14:14to even the
14:15score
14:18hey yeah let me cut my own Achilles
14:20tendon this would be amazing save him
14:23the
14:25trouble yeah I was thinking about it
14:27like for me to have even if I had knife
14:30it's not good cuzz that guy's going to
14:31go first you know and I for in a knife
14:34fight I really got to go first I thought
14:37about it I can't go second in the knife
14:39fight you got to give me the lead on
14:41this but that guy's going to have the
14:43lead that guy woke up that morning going
14:45I'm going to stab someone today and then
14:47hypothetically he sees me he's like I'm
14:48going to stab that guy I don't know he
14:50thinks that I got my headphones in
14:51listen to a podcast going yeah maybe I
14:53will sign up for Blue Apron that sounds
14:55like a good idea my wife and I can cook
14:58together on Tuesdays and he just comes
15:00in no I wasn't ready you
15:04know got to go first in the knife
15:07fight it's big year though we're fitting
15:10in we're fitting in it was a big year
15:13Big Year moved to New York we also got
15:14married got married this year
15:17yeah Big Year big Year got married this
15:21is my wife Emma's first marriage and
15:24this is my second marriage so a lot of
15:26pressure on me you know like if this
15:29doesn't work out I'll know for a fact it
15:31was me all
15:32along right anyone can have one divorce
15:35but two you got to start looking in that
15:37mirror going all right how am I chewing
15:43because I am running these women
15:49off but I think we're doing good you
15:52know I think we're doing good we've been
15:54married since May I think we got to
15:56figure it out
16:00I think one of the important things we
16:01do is that if we get into a stupid
16:03argument and we realize we're in a
16:04stupid argument we'll call it out and
16:06then laugh at each other and I think
16:08that's important because if you're in a
16:09relationship you're going to get into a
16:11stupid argument so once you realize it
16:13just laugh at your significant other I
16:16mean make sure they also know it's a
16:18stupid argument otherwise that could
16:21lead to a stabbing
16:24but just realize it like one of my wife
16:27and I's favorite activities acties is we
16:29like to go to open houses for houses we
16:32can't afford yeah it's a great activity
16:35isn't that the best yeah you walk into a
16:37house you're like we can't afford that
16:38let's see what's going
16:40on we actually we went into a house I
16:43remember it was listed for $ 1.7
16:45million and I don't have that and we
16:48went in and we actually got into an
16:50argument over which room we turned into
16:52the
16:53office in a house we can't afford and I
16:57mean a full-on argu like what are you an
17:00idiot you can't put the office here it's
17:02going to ruin the flow of the layout and
17:05it was heated but my wife caught it
17:07first she was like wait a second I
17:09forgot you drive a Honda
17:12Fit And I was like oh yeah and I still
17:16owe three grand on it I
17:18don't I don't think we're in the market
17:20for the $1.7 million
17:24house so just laugh at each other
17:27man we do things together enough things
17:30apart we keep it nice and balanced like
17:32right now we're on a couple's diet doing
17:34a diet together we're on the portion
17:35control diet that's the one we on if you
17:37don't know what the portion control diet
17:39is that's where you eat whatever you
17:40want you just eat a lot less of it you
17:42just eat this much instead of this much
17:44just this much if you've never been on
17:46the portion control diet the most
17:47important part is once you're done with
17:49your really small meal uh for the next
17:51half hour afterwards out loud you say
17:53how that was the perfect amount of food
17:55that's it's key to the day it doesn't
17:57work if you don't do that you just walk
17:59around going that was the perfect amount
18:01of food that was the excellent amount
18:04I'm not weighed down by too much
18:05sustenance or Joy this is the exact
18:09level I should be at that's what you say
18:11on the outside on the inside you're like
18:13that was just enough to piss me off is
18:15what that
18:16was that was just enough to get all my
18:18salivary glands going and then it
18:20ended but that's why it's important to
18:22do a couple's day with two of you cuz
18:24eventually one of you is going to crack
18:26one of you usually around day three day
18:29four one of you is going to just be like
18:31I'm going to jam a Hershey bar up my ass
18:33I think and that's when the other person
18:36comes in and goes no no baby don't no
18:38just split it with me just split it with
18:40me this diet was a horrible idea let's
18:43eat a traditional you know so we got to
18:47figure it
18:48out yeah we uh we got married in uh in
18:51Italy that's where we got married we
18:53eloped to Italy that's what we did yeah
18:56yeah if you guys don't know what an
18:57alopen is that's when you realiz uh your
18:59wedding would be so much more fun if no
19:01one
19:02came that's what an alopen is that's
19:05when you sit down and you crunch the
19:06numbers and you're like oh my God if we
19:07don't have to feed 150 people we could
19:10go to
19:11Italy and then you weigh the love of
19:14your friends and family against a trip
19:16to Italy and we're like uh or ofo I
19:20think which that's not even Italian but
19:23it doesn't matter cuz they're not coming
19:27anyway went out to Italy got married out
19:30there I loved it Italy is a great
19:32country food amazing of course people
19:34vibrant everybody everybody the best
19:36smelling people I've ever seen everyone
19:38slathered in Cologne every dude you know
19:41what else I noticed no depression in
19:43Italy and I think it's related I think
19:46it's related I never saw a single dude
19:48in Italy like I just don't have it today
19:50I don't have it every dude was like hell
19:55yeah it's Nico's time to shine
19:58everyone was pumped and I think it's the
20:00cologne I think cologne is aroma theapy
20:02for
20:04confidence you just if you ever second
20:06guess yourself you remember wait a
20:07second I smell
20:09delicious the world is my oyster you
20:13know loved Italy people are vibrant in
20:16the streets mixing it up I watched an
20:17old Italian couple argu in downtown
20:20Florence right in the middle of
20:21everybody in each other's fa is
20:23just giving it to each other that's my
20:26Italian by the way all right you didn't
20:28come from my Impressions that's about as
20:30close as you get an on Italian but just
20:33and he's like and she's like and then I
20:37remember he grabbed and shook her a
20:38little bit and her sunglasses fell off
20:40and she broke away she
20:42goes and ran down a little Street don't
20:45get me wrong that that was domestic
20:48violence but it was in Italian so it was
20:52beautiful you know what I mean it was
20:55like we were watching the Opera or
20:57something I was like no no no honey
20:58don't don't call the cops there's a
20:59second act all
21:01right it's going to be a moral to this
21:04story we're going to figure it
21:06out it's been good yeah we've been
21:08married since May we got to figure it
21:10out I've heard this quote from a lot of
21:12married people oh my significant other
21:14makes me a better person I don't know if
21:17either of us are doing that for the
21:19other I think my wife and I make each
21:22other one normal person if that makes
21:25sense like between us there's a normal
21:27human being right here here separately I
21:29don't think we should be allowed to vote
21:31quite
21:33honestly but together give us one vote
21:36who could we hurt you what I mean by
21:39that is like we balance each other out
21:41there's some things she's bad at that
21:42I'm good at there's some things I'm
21:44horrible at that she's all right at and
21:45there's like a normal human being right
21:48here like my wife for example is a
21:50hypochondriac every morning she wakes up
21:53with a brand new disease brand new it's
21:55very exciting in our household we'll
21:56just wake up and she'll be like oh my
21:58God do you hear that what is that and
22:01I'm like huh and she'll hold it to my
22:02ear do you hear that what is that and
22:05I'm like I don't know she's like was
22:06that there yesterday I'm like I don't
22:08know we didn't do this
22:10yesterday I don't have yesterday's wrist
22:12noises cataloged in my head to compare
22:14to today's wrist noises and she gets
22:17annoyed with me she's like oh you never
22:18listen and she storms off and then after
22:22like two hours of Google and she comes
22:23back she's like it's wrist cancer and I
22:26was like that's the most common form so
22:29I get that it's been really going around
22:32this
22:33year so that's who my wife is my wife's
22:35a bit of a hypochondriac and me I've had
22:38a pain in my left testicle for six years
22:41and I've just been writing that out you
22:44see what I mean there's like a normal
22:46human being right here between this
22:48there's a normal person right here she's
22:50over here going oh my God and I'm over
22:52here like yeah everything's fine that's
22:56fine just a little bit of humidity today
22:58that's all that is a little too much
23:04humidity don't worry I will explain the
23:06testicle um I wasn't just going to put
23:10that out there for you guys here's why I
23:12never got it checked out I have a 7-Day
23:14rule if something hurts on my body I
23:16give it a week if it still hurts after a
23:18week then I go get it checked out the
23:19problem with this testicle pain is it
23:21would last like a day or two then stop
23:24and then come back a week later but I'd
23:26start my clock over again and and I just
23:28realized this year I've been doing that
23:30since
23:312018 and I told my wife in February
23:34about this and she goes oh my God you're
23:35getting that checked out immediately so
23:37I tried I tried to get health insurance
23:39in February and uh yeah did you know you
23:43can't did you know it's unavailable in
23:46febru I had no idea I called like an
23:48idiot I was like one health insurance
23:51please and there's a lady on the other
23:54end like what you missed it and I was
23:57like the health insurance Insurance
23:59she's like yeah it's over and I'm like
24:02why' you even answer the
24:04phone like shouldn't this be a recording
24:07why are you making me feel worse about
24:09this and she's like yeah you didn't see
24:11the commercials it's open enrollment
24:13open enrollment is from Thanksgiving
24:15till the end of January you missed it
24:17didn't you see the commercials and I'm
24:18like yeah I saw the commercials but I
24:20didn't know there was a hard end to the
24:22open enrollment I thought it was an
24:24advertisement you know cuz you know who
24:25else has open enrollment specials in the
24:27beginning of every New Year gyms every
24:31gym in the country around the beginning
24:32of the new year he like hey 10 bucks a
24:34month get your big asses in here can hop
24:36on the elliptical that doesn't mean you
24:38can't sign up in February it just means
24:40it's going to cost a little more and
24:42she's like yeah well we meant it I was
24:44like I was like all right so what do we
24:47do now she's like I don't know call back
24:48in November and I'm like but my testicle
24:51hurts
24:53now and she goes you don't get it I'm
24:55like I I don't think you get it I got a
24:58dull toothache in my left nut we got to
25:01figure this out and she goes you don't
25:04get it and I'm like you know what I
25:05guess I don't get it I don't get it why
25:07why are we treating health insurance
25:08like a pumpkin spice
25:11latte make a year around
25:15yeah I
25:18listen I thought it was a solid point
25:21to but it didn't
25:23help and I got off the phone and I had
25:26to tell Emma I was like I think they're
25:27not going to help me and she just goes
25:29oh my God what if they have to cut it
25:32off and I was like why would that be the
25:36first thing you
25:37say why would you even put that in the
25:40air when you know I can't make an
25:42appointment for 9 more months why would
25:44you even put that germ of an idea in the
25:48atmosphere and she's like I don't know
25:50what if and I'm like I don't know what
25:52if and she's like do they put like a
25:54fake one in there and I'm like I don't
25:56know I hope hope I hope they would do
25:59that I hope they wouldn't just let me
26:01leave with half a grocery bag that'd be
26:03messed
26:04up I'm pretty sure I'd speak up I'd be
26:07like come on man just throw a couple
26:09quarters in there um help me out don't
26:12let me live the rest of my life slightly
26:14off balance figure this
26:16out and I remember she had a moment
26:18she's like you know what I don't care if
26:19you have health insurance or not you're
26:21getting this checked out and you're just
26:22going to pay for it out of pocket like
26:23an
26:25American and she said it like that cuz
26:27she's from Canada
26:29trying to rub it in a little I'm like
26:31well what if it's really expensive and
26:32she goes then you're going to go into
26:33debt like an
26:35American so she found me a urologist in
26:38Brooklyn and I'm not making this up for
26:40the sake of Comedy but my urologist name
26:42was Dr
26:46zolan and you should have seen the look
26:49on my wife's face when she showed me the
26:51confirmation email she's
26:55like and I was like what have you done
26:59she's like isn't this great I'm like not
27:01really and she's like why not I'm like
27:04well you just took an already awkward
27:06conversation and you made it a little
27:09weirder and she's like what do you mean
27:11and I'm like what do you mean what do I
27:12mean how do you think this is going to
27:13go down you think we're just going to
27:15walk into the room zultan
27:20zultan Hungarian
27:23Hungarian anyway here are my genitals
27:29it's not how this is going to go it's
27:32going to be
27:33weird she goes it won't be weird and I
27:35promise I'm was like I promise you it's
27:37going to be a little weird and so I
27:38remember we're there in the waiting room
27:40I'm waiting to get my name called and
27:42Emma goes hey when you get your name
27:43called do you want me to go in there
27:44with you and I'm like no no sit out here
27:47and wait for me and she goes why why
27:49don't you want me to go in there and I
27:50was like what cuz it's weird she goes no
27:52it's not you came in with me for my
27:54wrist thing and I was
27:56like yeah you're pant stayed on for the
27:59wrist thing and she goes so why can't I
28:02go in there don't be immature I'm like
28:04cuz it's weird it's going to make me
28:05feel like a little boy going in there
28:07with my mother who's going to stand off
28:09to the side and during the exam go don't
28:11forget to tell them about your testicle
28:14sweetheart I'm just going to be over
28:15there like thanks Mom I didn't forget
28:17why we
28:20came and she's like I would never do
28:23that and she brought up a good point she
28:24goes you actually need me in there
28:26because you don't have a great memory
28:27you're going to forget what that guy
28:28says and I'm going be a second pair of
28:30ears in there and I'll be like that's
28:32actually a good point all right you can
28:33come in but don't say anything she goes
28:35I don't say anything I'm just going to
28:36be their ears I was like all right cool
28:38so we're in there we're waiting for Dr
28:40zultan he eventually comes in we have
28:42our zultan zultan Spider-Man pointing at
28:45Spider-Man moment you know and I'm just
28:48Hungarian
28:49Hungarian he's very nice he's like
28:52Welcome to New York hope you're enjoying
28:53the city he's making small T he's like
28:55what do you do for a living I'm like oh
28:56I'm a comedian and his lit up a little
28:58bit he's like wow like a standup
29:00comedian I'm like yeah he's like that's
29:02what you do for a living I'm like uh-huh
29:03he's like that is so cool and I'm like
29:05you're a doctor like
29:07you're you're doing way good like you're
29:10doing amazing and then I'm not making
29:13this up either he proceeds to pitch me a
29:15TV show
29:17idea right then and there he's like I
29:19got an idea for a TV show and I'm like
29:21what yeah this later right now
29:24this and his idea wasn't bad it wasn't a
29:27bad idea like wouldn't it be cool if
29:29there's a show where you could hear the
29:30inner monologues of doctors and patients
29:33and then hear what they're actually
29:34saying to each other I'm like Ah that's
29:36funny I'd watch that and he's like right
29:38and I'm like hell yeah he's like right
29:39I'm like yeah and I could tell he wanted
29:41something more out of me so I had to
29:43break it to him I'm like I'm sorry Dr
29:45zultan I'm not famous enough to help you
29:48with this idea and I could tell it
29:50bummed him out a little bit he was like
29:52a yeah all right
29:56um that's fine uh
29:58go ahead and take your pants off and
30:01that was so weird I've never taken my
30:03pants off after disappointing
30:07somebody like that's never been the
30:09order of
30:11events I've never had someone go and I'm
30:15like
30:20[Applause]
30:23well and so we're already off to this
30:25weird start so I got my pants down by my
30:26ankles I'm in a good power stance feet
30:29shoulder withth apart knees slightly
30:31bent ready ready for anything and Emma's
30:35behind me she's kind of got a rough View
30:37and uh doctor's in front of me worse
30:40View and uh he's down there giving me
30:43the exam he's just kind of feeling
30:46around he's not milking me but this is
30:48what he was
30:52doing and he's saying all these doctor
30:54words that don't mean anything to me
30:56he's just down there muttering he's like
30:58oh yeah oh yeah mhm oh yeah you got a
31:02swollen vernacular over there oh yeah
31:05that's a swollen
31:07vernacular over there yep we got two
31:09swollen
31:10vernaculars yeah and and but for the
31:13record he's not saying vernacular it's
31:15just the closest I have in my
31:17vocabulary to whatever he is saying is
31:21vernacular and the problem is he's just
31:24not saying the thing I want him to say
31:26like my fear is that it might be cancer
31:28but he's not saying that he won't answer
31:29that he's just down there like oh yeah
31:31got a couple
31:32vernaculars over here got some
31:35vernaculars over here oh yeah couple
31:40vernaculars and I remember I had to cut
31:42them off I'm like Dr Zan he's like huh
31:44and I'm like is it cancer he's like oh
31:47no and I'm like good get off me like I
31:51don't care what it is now I was just
31:53scared that it was that get the hell off
31:55of me Dr zultan there's money for you on
31:57the nightstand get off of
32:00me I didn't actually say that part but I
32:04would have been sick man and he was like
32:07listen I'm 95% sure it's not cancer but
32:10we got to make a 100% sure so I got to
32:11set you up with a blood test and an
32:13ultrasound and that's when I found out
32:15that they even do an ultrasound on that
32:17I had no clue I thought that was for
32:19looking at babies but apparently they do
32:20it on other things and I showed up that
32:23morning and the ultrasound tech
32:25unfortunately kind of resembled my
32:27mother
32:30which if there was anything I could have
32:31asked for that day is please don't look
32:33like my mother and there she was
32:34cheekbones and
32:36all and I she was very nice very
32:39professional but it's awkward I'm there
32:40on this table it's in the morning it's
32:42cold there's bright lights I got my
32:44pants down by my ankles I'm just laying
32:45on this bed she squirts this ultrasound
32:48jelly on my situation and then she's
32:50just rubbing a wand on it and I'm just
32:53laying there going where the hell do I
32:55put my arms you know
32:58I had never thought so hard of where do
33:00arms go right now cuz you can't be too
33:03relaxed right you can't just be
33:07like like that's uncomfortable for
33:09everybody you can't just be too and you
33:11also can't go behind the head you can't
33:13just W definitely can't do that so I
33:18went with like a dead cockroach bro I
33:21just
33:28and she's just down
33:30there and I know for a fact ultrasound
33:33texts can tell what's good and bad on
33:35the screen I know that like cuz
33:37otherwise why would they give him a
33:39screen right like if they don't know if
33:41it's good or bad just have them I don't
33:43know what's going to happen hopefully
33:45this means something to
33:47somebody cuz I asked her I'm like how
33:49are things looking and she goes oh I'm
33:51not allowed to say that's out of my
33:53jurisdiction and I was like really she's
33:55like yeah the doctor will call you and
33:56I'm like well can you give me a hint
33:58and she goes no I really can't say
33:59anything I'm like you don't have to use
34:01your words just give me a look you know
34:03just like
34:04a or a like
34:07just something so I'm not in my head you
34:10know until I get this phone call and she
34:12goes I really can't say anything you'll
34:13find out the doctor will call you in two
34:15days so I had two days to be in my head
34:16which is a horrible place to be two days
34:19to just be in my head going what if what
34:21he thought was a vernacular was
34:22something
34:23else and so the day finally came Dr
34:26zultan called me we had our moment yeah
34:28zultan yeah this is zultan and then I
34:30just cut him off I'm like hey man just
34:32tell me is it cancer and he goes it's
34:34not cancer stop thinking that and I'm
34:35like thank God I was like all right so
34:37what is it he's like well you have two
34:40swollen
34:41vernaculars going to both of your
34:43testicles and he's like I think that's
34:45what's causing you your pain and I was
34:46like all right so what can we do about
34:48it and he's like I don't know
34:52um he's like I think you could use more
34:55support and I was like what
34:58and he's like tighter underwear and I'm
35:00like that's your
35:02treatment you went to school for a
35:05decade and you have like hundreds of
35:08thousands of student loan debt and you
35:09just called me and you're like yeah
35:11fruit of Al Loom I to do
35:13it and he's like yeah I think it might
35:15help and I'm like all right you do
35:16realize I'm never getting anything
35:18checked out ever again right and he's
35:20like why do you say that I'm like well I
35:21just spent $2500 to find out $7 could
35:25have fixed this issue like if anything's
35:28ever wrong with my body I'm going to
35:30assume my clothes are too loose that's
35:31the problem oh no I don't get migraine
35:34headaches I need a tighter beanie that's
35:36the issue hug my
35:39Cranium you know so it was good it was a
35:42big year got married moved to New York
35:45didn't get C thank you one person
35:49no this is a big year we did a lot of
35:52traveling I think that was my favorite
35:53part of the last 12 months cuz normally
35:55I only travel to do comedy like like if
35:57there's not a microphone and a check
35:59waiting for me I just don't go there you
36:02know if anyone's ever been like have you
36:04ever been to huh and I'm like no and I
36:07probably won't until they get comedy
36:08going
36:09there but my wife likes to travel so
36:12we've been traveling went to Italy
36:13obviously for the wedding that was great
36:15went to Asia last November we spent two
36:17weeks in Asia we spent a week in Bangkok
36:19Thailand and a week in Bali which is
36:21amazing we flew 32 hours for me to find
36:24out I don't really like Thai food
36:28what a weird way to find that out right
36:30rights of the source I was so shocked
36:32cuz I thought I love Tha food I love Tha
36:34food here in the United States I have it
36:36all the time Tom CA soup coconut milk
36:38soup that's my favorite soup love that
36:40panang curry that's my favorite Curry of
36:43course pad TI noodle the classic I'll
36:44have that any day of the week and then I
36:46flew all the way to Thailand I had it
36:47there and I was like
36:49oh you're making it wrong like
36:54this where can I get it authentic where
36:56do you guys make it
36:59authentic I wish I was making that up
37:01that's exactly who I was over there like
37:04in my head I thought I was going to be
37:05like an Anthony Bourdain type wearing
37:07cool clothes and trying everyone's food
37:08making friends drinking beer no I was
37:10just an American in a Hawaiian shirt
37:13Going
37:14H you guys have any
37:17pepto and I needed it too man I had two
37:20weeks two weeks of diarrhea uh yeah
37:23consecutive which uh I broke my old
37:26record by a full week
37:28and it was a record I was never trying
37:29to break I was happy where that Banner
37:32stood in the stands but I had to come
37:34out of retirement show these kids what's
37:37up had to throw on the gym shorts one
37:39more
37:40time and it hurt too man after the third
37:43day my wife hypochondriac she's like you
37:45should go to the hospital and I'm like I
37:47will die with
37:49dignity in this hotel room before I ever
37:51go to a hospital like really where
37:53emergencies happen I'm supposed to go in
37:56It Won't Stop
37:58no you don't go to the hospital for that
38:01all right drink some Gatorade cancel
38:04some plants that's what you
38:06do you're like yeah we're not doing that
38:08tour today that's a lot of stairs
38:14no but she's like no I'm pretty sure
38:16you're supposed to seek uh medical
38:18attention after 3 days of the runs I'm
38:20like that's impossible she goes no for
38:21real I go no way she goes Google it so I
38:23Googled how many days are the runs until
38:25you should seek professional medical
38:27attention and it came up it said 3 days
38:31isn't that the worst thing that could
38:32ever happen in a relationship you have a
38:35disagreement and one of you goes Google
38:36it and Google's like yep they were
38:38right that's the worst thing that could
38:41ever happen but the great thing about
38:42Google is if you don't like the first
38:44answer that comes up you can keep
38:47scrolling until you find the answer you
38:49wanted to find all along cuz I'm
38:51Googling she's like what's it say I'm
38:52like it's really vague baby I don't know
38:56it's and I'm just looking I'm see in 3
38:57days 4 days 5 days let's go and then I
39:01found the answer I wanted to find it was
39:03in the comment section of a Reddit
39:05Forum it was just one guy he's like I've
39:08had it my whole life and I'm like hell
39:10yeah dude look at this hero baby 48
39:13years young he's doing all right little
39:16dehydrated but he's
39:21kicking it was such a lame trip I
39:23remember my favorite part of the entire
39:25trip to Thailand is uh the bath room we
39:27had in the hotel cuz we stayed at a
39:29high-end hotel and this hotel had a
39:31Japanese toilet in there I don't know if
39:33you guys know about Japanese toilets
39:35you're already clapping you have a look
39:37of satisfaction already on your face for
39:40the rest of you that don't know these
39:41toilets they do all the work for you you
39:43don't even look back there all right you
39:45just worry about friend of House
39:46business they take care of back a house
39:49for you and I didn't know that I was in
39:51a rush I just sat down and while I'm
39:53sitting there I noticed there's all
39:54these buttons on the wall and each
39:56button has a drawing of what's going to
39:58happen back there if you happen to hit
40:01one of these buttons and listen I'm a
40:02human being with natural uh you know
40:05Curiosities and I was like oh hell yeah
40:07but I'm also a little tepid I'm a little
40:09scared sometimes and I'm like oh I don't
40:11know you know it's like what if I love
40:13it you know like what if there's no
40:15going back you know what I mean what if
40:17I miss my flight home cuz I'm stuck in
40:20this hotel room just like another round
40:22Johnny like you know what I mean what if
40:25this changes my Outlook on
40:29and then I noticed they had a second set
40:31of buttons underneath it was numbers 1
40:33to 10 it was how hard you wanted the
40:34water pressure back there so I started
40:37at a one right at a one it's my first
40:39day at the gym I'm not maxing out I'm
40:42just hopping on the elliptical for 10
40:43minutes getting a little sweat on the
40:45brow that's all I'm looking to do so I
40:47started at a one and I'm like well
40:49hello and about 90 seconds later I had
40:52that thing pegged out and I'm like
40:57Game Changer
40:59dude I've never had a toilet change my
41:01mood
41:03before like I sat down in a bad mood I
41:06got up in an amazing mood like colors
41:09were brighter I was more optimistic I
41:11felt
41:13taller God I love that
41:16toilet sometimes I would sit on it when
41:18I didn't even need to go I just treated
41:21it like a afternoon coffee you know like
41:23a like a Starbucks at 3:00 p.m. just to
41:26get through the rest of your day I'd sit
41:29down and I'd bounce off let's go look at
41:31some more temples baby daddy's got a
41:33second
41:39wind God amazing toilet amazing toilet
41:44the aim on that thing just spot
41:47on there's no I just sat down this thing
41:50didn't even know my name it was like
41:51there you are right
41:54there it's like whoa who invented you
41:57an engineer probably someone who's great
41:59at math what was that equation A2 + b s
42:03equals Bullseye we got him fellas send
42:06that to the Smithsonian we're
42:09set I loved it then you hit this other
42:12button and they dry you off you were no
42:13part of this process you hit this other
42:16button and a hot breath would come out
42:19and
42:22just I didn't know I needed that in my
42:24life until I had it
42:29and I'm like well how do you go back now
42:32how do you go back to toilet paper after
42:34you've had that how do you do that how
42:36do you go back to charman after you've
42:37had hot breath on your barn doors you
42:39can't that's who you are now you're hot
42:42breath
42:43guy amazing it's crazy what people can
42:46come up with like a human being invented
42:48that a person just like me or you had
42:50that idea and not only did they have
42:52that idea they had the courage to tell
42:54someone else about
42:55it right cuz anyone can have an idea but
42:58it takes a little something extra to
43:00look a stranger in the eyes and go hey
43:01you got a
43:04minute like to show you some
43:08schematics like this dude he had to
43:10invent it and then he had to go get
43:12Capital he had to he invented it then
43:14he's got to start a business he probably
43:15had to walk into like a shark tank type
43:17situation probably with a crude
43:19prototype he made it home just like a
43:20toilet seat with like a water gun and a
43:22hairdyer glue do it they had to walk in
43:25there all confident hi my name is name
43:27is
43:28Phil I'm looking for $100,000 for 10%
43:31stake and uh Mark cubin can you just
43:34take your pants off for a
43:37second this is easier to demonstrate
43:39than it is to articulate
43:44I I've been up here long enough that you
43:46get it I I I grew up without without a
43:48dad right like that the stories that
43:51piece together where you're like oh yeah
43:53he was raised by a single mom for sure
43:56for sure
43:57sure I was hugged and kissed a lot too
44:00and most little boys were like no more
44:01kisses and I was like oh actually you
44:03missed a
44:05cheek that's who I was I love the love
44:08man so I grew up with that a dad my wife
44:11grew up with both parents I don't know
44:12if you've heard of that
44:15um every once in a while two people
44:17start a family and they're just like
44:19let's keep going what would happen if we
44:22just kept it going you know so she's
44:24fascinated by the fact that I never met
44:26my dad and she's like so you never met
44:28him I'm like no I never met him he left
44:29when I was a baby she's like do you ever
44:31think about him I'm like no not really
44:33never met him so I don't really think
44:34about him she goes would you ever want
44:36to meet him and I'm like good God no and
44:39she goes why not I'm like cuz it'd be
44:41weird we don't have anything to talk
44:42about we don't have a relationship to
44:44reference so it would be awkward and it
44:47would be like a first date and on top of
44:49that he lives in Budapest Hungary and
44:50only speaks Hungarian and I only speak
44:52English so if we hung out it would be
44:54like a 90day fiance date
44:57where I'm speaking into my phone like
44:59why' you
45:06leave I'd rather not do that at an
45:08Applebees you
45:10know she's like I get it now and I'm
45:13like
45:15God so I grew up with that a dad which
45:17if there's anyone in here that grew up
45:19with that a dad you might be able to
45:20connect to this next chunk it's just you
45:22naturally find father figures when you
45:24grow up that's just what happens they
45:26just pop up in life like I remember we
45:28moved from Hungary and when we first
45:30moved to the United States my first
45:31father figure was on TV it was Mr Rogers
45:35yeah yeah the uh that guy that guy was
45:37great I love me some Mr Rogers he taught
45:38me how to speak English because he spoke
45:40slowly he had puppets kept my attention
45:42he had a stoplight in his living room
45:44for some reason I was like this guy's
45:45pretty rock and roll I like me some Mr
45:47Rogers where do you get a stoplight did
45:49you steal that from the city where does
45:51that even come from and so I loved Mr
45:53Rogers I remember he had like indoor
45:55outdoor shoes remember that he took off
45:57his outdoor shoes put on his indoor
45:58shoes took off his outdoor cardigan put
46:00on his indoor cardan I grew up kind of
46:02poor so I was like man Mr Rogers is
46:04loaded like he's he's doing all right
46:07you know I want to be like Mr Rogers
46:09when I grow up so that was my first uh
46:12Father Figure was Mr Rogers my second
46:14Father Figure also on TV a few years
46:16later was a professional wrestler by the
46:18name of the Heartbreak Kid Shawn
46:20Michaels yeah cool a couple people know
46:23who he is everybody else I'll
46:25explain Shawn Michaels played like a
46:28male stripper type of character he had
46:30like long hair and bushy chest hair and
46:32he sang his own theme song and the
46:34lyrics were I'm just a sexy boy and he
46:37would sing that over and over again
46:39while taking off bedazzled assless chaps
46:42and I was 10 years old like hell yeah
46:45dude this guy rocks so those were my
46:48first two father figures there Mr Rogers
46:50and the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels
46:52and sometimes when you're a little boy
46:53you're in situations you're like what
46:55would a man do in this situ situation
46:57and I would think of those two and I
46:59just kind of blend them you know I was
47:02honestly both of those men like I work
47:04carigans but I took them off sexy you
47:06know what I mean let him slide down the
47:12shoulders my third Father Figure wasn't
47:15a famous person at all he was just a
47:17regular guy uh he was my best friend
47:19Jason's dad Daryl Jones uh yeah darl
47:22Jones good dude darl Jones ran a
47:25mechanic shop in town and that I worked
47:28at this mechanic shop this is the last
47:29real day job I had before I got to do
47:31comedy full-time and I didn't work on
47:33the cars I wasn't allowed in there I I
47:35worked in the office I did the computers
47:38I did the bookkeeping I wrote invoices
47:40for customers like he taught me he's
47:42like hey if anyone ever pays in cash you
47:44delete that invoice and we don't tell
47:48the government about it and I'm like
47:50hell yeah Mr Jones you know that's how I
47:53run my business to this day so
47:57I've kept that
48:00alive and darl Jones man he as a
48:02character dude I don't know how to
48:03describe him he's big heavy set dude
48:05maybe 300 lb big bushy white beard he
48:07smoked marro ultralight 100s his ass
48:11crack hung out when he worked which
48:13isn't that weird everyone's ass crack
48:14sticks out when you work right like the
48:16top quarter maybe the top third if it's
48:17an extra tough day but his whole ass
48:20would hang out like all he'd be bent
48:23over working on a car and I'd be like I
48:24think I see the back of his knees I
48:27think I think that's everything you can
48:29see and then
48:32some and he was also kind of oblivious
48:34to how much it stuck out cuz I remember
48:36one time at lunch he told a story he's
48:37like oh yeah back in Community College I
48:39was getting my diesel mechanic license
48:41and I was bent over working he's like I
48:43don't know if you guys noticed but my
48:44ass crack sticks out a little bit when I
48:46work and we were all like
48:48what yours yeah a touch
48:51maybe and he's like yeah yeah some Joker
48:54came by and poured soda pop down my ass
48:56cracked
48:57and we were like oh no what' you do he's
48:59like well I turned around to get him but
49:00he ran off so I just grabbed a torque
49:02wrench and I threw it at him and I hit
49:04him between the shoulder blades knocked
49:05him unconscious and we were like oh my
49:08God and he was just over there
49:11like thought that was the funniest thing
49:13that had ever been
49:15told and we're like is that guy all
49:17right he's like I don't know it was like
49:19a classic redneck story you hear
49:21something that ends in what sounds like
49:23a murder and then they just Trail off at
49:25the end
49:27you're like what happened next I don't
49:28know I had to get to second period I had
49:30to just carrying a full
49:33schedule you know this dude was he was a
49:36he was an interesting character man he
49:38had all these Southern sayings even
49:39though he wasn't from the south he was
49:41born in Albuquerque New Mexico which he
49:43claimed was the South but he was so
49:46intimidating nobody ever corrected him
49:48like people would ask him like where are
49:49you from he's like the South and they're
49:51like where specifically he's like
49:53Albuquerque and everyone's like
49:54absolutely y yeah hell yeah that Mason
49:57Dixon line runs all the way across
49:59everybody knows that straight to Hawaii
50:01splits the
50:03islands just intimidating and he had all
50:06these Southern sayings they didn't make
50:07any sense but they were terrifying like
50:09if we ever had an issue with a customer
50:10he'd be like get him in the shop I'll
50:12show them how the cow eats the corn I
50:14was like what the hell does that
50:17mean how the hell do cows eat
50:20corn and I don't want him to show me you
50:24know he was a wild dude man he's the
50:26only guy I've ever met that was banned
50:28from Best
50:29Buy he was banned from our neighborhood
50:32Best Buy cuz he choked a kid that work
50:35there cuz he was trying to buy his wife
50:38a Christmas gift and somehow the
50:39conversation in the electronics
50:41department went sideways and he said the
50:44kid said something rude to him so he
50:46started throttling him as you
50:48do and while he was choking him he goes
50:51in a second I'm going to Turn You Loose
50:52what a great thing to say by the way if
50:55I ever have the opportunity to choke
50:58somebody I'm going to go in a second I'm
50:59going to turn you loose but he goes I
51:01want that damn memory card on this
51:03counter and he throws him back and the
51:05kid's
51:06like I'm calling security and he goes
51:09you better call all of them cuz I'm
51:11fixing to
51:15dance he was like a poet of violence
51:18like his words were beautiful but
51:20terrifying like if Charles Bukowski
51:23fought in the UFC or something you're
51:24like what mesmerizing and I know at this
51:27point you're like this guy was a father
51:28figure in your life he was he was like
51:31listen he was rough around the edges a
51:33lot of people either loved him or hated
51:35him and the people that hated him were
51:37probably assaulted by
51:39him and that's fair you know if someone
51:41beats you up you're probably going to
51:42not like that guy but I that's not the
51:46relationship I had with him like he
51:47treated me like an honorary Jones he
51:50treated me like a son he treated me like
51:52a he's like a dad to me he never said I
51:54love you just like a real dad
51:57but it was the way he treated me that I
51:59could tell how we felt like he knew this
52:01was my dream he knew I wanted to do
52:03comedy and he knew this job was just
52:05paying the bills so he always let me
52:06leave to go do my shows and he's like
52:08your job's here when you come back to it
52:09and I remember one time I had to leave
52:11work early to do a show downtown San
52:13Diego at the Hard Rock Hotel it's a
52:15private event I go down there and I bomb
52:17my ass off like I just have the worst
52:19set of my entire life I tried I tried
52:22really hard but it just wasn't in the
52:24cards for the zman that night and and uh
52:27maybe cuz I was calling myself the zman
52:29that night if I'm being honest it might
52:32have rubbed some people the wrong way
52:34but I bomb so bad that at the end of the
52:36show they didn't want to pay me the $400
52:38that they owed me yeah and I remember
52:40being demoralized that I bomb so bad but
52:42I still argued for the check I was like
52:44uh I think you still have to pay me if I
52:46suck and They begged to differ so I left
52:50without getting paid and I remember that
52:52Monday I went back to the shop and I
52:54walk in and Daryl's sitting there
52:55smoking his marro ultral Light 100s he's
52:58puffing away and he's like how's your
52:59little show on Friday and I'm like not
53:02good I ate my ass for an hour and he
53:05laughed a little he's like d that's
53:06probably going to happen a few more
53:08times I would
53:10assume and he's like I'm sure it wasn't
53:12as bad as you thought it was and I'm
53:14like oh no it's worse than you're
53:15thinking I bought him so bad they didn't
53:18pay me the $400 that they owed me and
53:20he's like really and I'm like uh-huh
53:22he's like they should still pay you if
53:23you suck and I'm like that's what I said
53:27and I'll never forget this he took a
53:28long puff of his cigarette he's like all
53:31right well give him another call but if
53:33they don't find your check by Friday
53:35maybe you and I closed the shop early
53:37and we Mosey on down to the Hard Rock
53:39Hotel and we start tipping things over
53:42in the lobby until they find your check
53:44and I could tell by the look in his eyes
53:46he was serious all right Not only was he
53:49serious he was kind of excited at the
53:51opportunity he had a twinkle in his eye
53:54like I would love to vandalize the lobby
53:56of a high-end hotel and I'm on the other
53:59side going oh my God I hope they find my
54:01check cuz I'm going to be an
54:04accomplice and I was just so blown away
54:06like this man was ready to close his
54:08business for an entire day driv an hour
54:10Downtown to vandalize the lobby of a
54:12high-end Hotel so I could get my check
54:15and I was like this is the love from a
54:17dad I've been looking for my entire
54:20life that's what dads are
54:23for that's exactly what dads are
54:27for dads are there to commit a felony so
54:31you can get the check for the dream that
54:33you suck
54:34at and I was just blown away man I was
54:37like man so he's stuck with me and um
54:40darl Jones isn't around anymore he
54:42passed away and uh in 2019 uh he needed
54:45a a heart transplant and they wouldn't
54:47give him one and uh probably for the
54:50safety of the community I would I often
54:53wonder how many ass kickings didn't
54:55happen cuz they didn't get him a new
54:56ticker you know and uh but I remember I
54:59went to go visit him and I came on like
55:01the worst day I came on the day that
55:03they told him they're not going to give
55:04him a new heart and so I I didn't know
55:06that showing up showing up I was like oh
55:07I'll tell some stories from the road at
55:09the time I was doing comedy full-time
55:11I'm like ah he might giggle at this or
55:12whatever and I showed up and then I
55:14found out that they just told him he's
55:16not getting a heart so I'm just sitting
55:18in this room with his son and him and
55:20I'd never been with someone that was
55:22told they were going to die so we were
55:24just sitting there it was pretty quiet
55:26and then the priest comes by I don't
55:28know if you know that but at the
55:29hospital they got a priest that will
55:31talk to you if you're about to go and
55:33this priest comes in he's like hey uh I
55:35know you got some bad news do you want
55:36me to sit and talk with you a little bit
55:38and Daryl was just himself even at the
55:41end he's like yeah listen man I don't
55:43really believe in any of that stuff but
55:46in case it's true just put a good word
55:48in for
55:49me and I was blown away I'm like man
55:52you're going to be yourself even now
55:54that is awesome
55:56and Daryl Jones is in there that's my
55:58third Father Figure he doesn't come out
56:00much but he's in there you know what I
56:02mean like he's in
56:03[Applause]
56:06there he was in there he was in there
56:09when I was at the airport and I wanted
56:11that bottle of
56:13water he was in there when that lady's
56:15like oh if you're paying a credit card
56:17you got to go do self checkout I can
56:18only take cash inside I was like dude
56:21the cow eats the corn like that's what I
56:24felt on the inside but what came out was
56:27Mr Rogers what came out was like well
56:29have a lovely day and then I stole the
56:32water and as I'm boarding the plane I'm
56:34just dancing like Shawn Michaels all the
56:36way down the jetway and those are the
56:39men that made me up thank you guys so
56:41much for coming out good night
56:44everybody thank you for the love
56:47appreciate
56:47[Applause]
56:55it he
57:01[Applause]
57:03[Music]
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