Criticism when you've had a bad childhood

The School of Life2018-04-17

the school of life#alain de botton#self#improvement#big questions#love#wellness#mindfullness#psychology#schooloflife#mental health#how to#growing up#criticism#bad childhood#PL-TSOL#当你有一个不好的童年时的批评#Crítica quando você teve uma infância ruim#Critique quand vous avez eu une mauvaise enfance#Kritik wenn Sie eine schlechte Kindheit hatten#Crítica cuando has tenido una mala infancia#आलोचना जब आपको बुरे बचपन पड़ा है

1M views|6 years ago

💫 Short Summary

The impact of criticism is heavily influenced by our childhood experiences and the love and care we received. People with bad childhoods often struggle with the effects of criticism, seeking validation and approval in an attempt to compensate for early emotional neglect. Understanding the link between past and present criticism can help individuals develop a more resilient and self-compassionate mindset. Through self-reflection and the acknowledgment of past wounds, it is possible to change the way criticism is perceived and to foster a greater sense of self-worth.

✨ Highlights

📊 Transcript

✦

The impact of criticism depends on the type of childhood we had, particularly in terms of love and care.

00:00

A bad childhood is defined here as a lack of love and care from early caregivers.

The way our caregivers viewed us becomes the way we view ourselves.

Being loved by another is essential for us to develop a sense of self-worth.

✦

People with bad childhoods may seek fame and success as a way to compensate for the love and validation they didn't receive.

01:30

Individuals with emotionally deprived backgrounds often question their worth and existence.

The approval of millions will never be enough to convince someone of their goodness if they lacked love and validation in their early years.

Seeking outsized approval and success is a common behavior for those who experienced emotional neglect in childhood.

✦

The way we react to criticism is linked to our past experiences, particularly our childhood.

03:00

Some people can separate current criticism from past emotional injuries, while others may struggle and see the criticism as a confirmation of their past negative experiences.

Understanding our childhood experiences can help us defend against the effects of criticism.

We can learn to forgive ourselves and change the meaning of past negative experiences by exploring our histories.

✦

Criticism from the past, particularly from early caregivers, has a significant impact on how we perceive and react to criticism in the present.

04:31

Being able to separate current criticism from the emotional verdict of the past is a crucial defense mechanism.

Forgiveness and self-compassion are essential in overcoming the effects of past criticism.

We can change the meaning of past negative experiences by exploring our histories and seeking support from understanding others.

00:00 criticism is never easy to learn that

00:03 others judges to be foolish perverse

00:05 ugly or unpleasant is one of the most

00:08 challenging aspects of any life however

00:11 the impact of criticism is hugely

00:14 variable and depends ultimately on a

00:17 rather unexpected detail what sort of

00:20 childhood we have had the clue as to

00:24 whether criticism will be experienced as

00:25 merely unpleasant or wholly catastrophic

00:29 lies in what happened to us many decades

00:31 ago in the hands of our earliest

00:34 caregivers what is meant by a bad

00:38 childhood is here a matter rather simply

00:41 of love an infant arrives in the world

00:44 with a very limited capacity to endure

00:47 their own being it is the tolerance

00:50 enthusiasm and forgiveness of another

00:52 person that gradually acclimatize --is

00:55 us to existence our caregivers

00:58 characteristic way of looking at us

01:01 becomes the way we consider ourselves

01:04 it's by being loved by another that we

01:07 acquire the art of looking

01:09 sympathetically on our craft in

01:11 troublesome beings it's simply not in

01:14 our remit to believe in ourselves on our

01:17 own we are utterly reliant on an inner

01:20 sense of having been valued inordinately

01:23 by another person at the start as a

01:26 protection against the subsequent

01:28 neglect of the world we don't need to be

01:31 loved by many one will do and twelve

01:34 years might be enough sixteen ideally

01:36 but without it the eternal admiration of

01:39 millions would ever be able to convince

01:42 us of our goodness and with such a love

01:45 the scorn of millions will ever need to

01:48 be fatal bad childhoods have an

01:51 unfortunate tendency to drive us to seek

01:54 out situations in which there is a

01:56 theoretical possibility of receiving

01:58 outsized

02:00 which also means along the way a high

02:03 risk of encountering outsized

02:05 disapproval the emotionally deprived

02:08 return almost manically to the question

02:11 never really settled of do I deserve to

02:15 exist and this is why they typically put

02:17 unusual efforts into attempts to be

02:20 famous and visibly successful but of

02:22 course the world at large will never

02:24 give the emotionally nervous the

02:26 unqualified confirmation they seek there

02:29 will always be dissenters and critics

02:31 people too bashed about by their own

02:33 pasts to be able to be kind to others

02:36 and it's too these voices that those

02:38 with bad childhoods will be accused

02:41 however enthusiastic the crowd as a

02:44 whole might be we can observe along the

02:47 way that the chief marker of being a

02:49 good parent is that once child simply

02:52 has zero interest in being liked by

02:55 large numbers of strangers we don't all

03:00 hear the same thing when we are

03:02 criticised some of us the lucky ones

03:04 hear just the surface message from the

03:07 here and now for example that our work

03:10 fell short of expectations that we must

03:12 try harder with our assignments that our

03:15 book film or song wasn't excellent this

03:18 can be bearable but the more wounded

03:21 among us if the farm criticism takes

03:24 them straight back to the primordial

03:26 injury an attack now becomes entwined

03:29 with the attacks of the past and grows

03:32 enormous and unmanageable in its

03:34 intensity the boss or unfriendly

03:36 colleague becomes the parent who let us

03:39 down everything is pulled into question

03:41 not only was the work subpar we are a

03:44 wrench and undeserved being a piece of

03:46 excrement the worst person in the world

03:49 for that's how it will felt back then in

03:52 a fragile defenseless infant mind

03:56 knowing more about our tricky childhoods

03:58 provides us with a vital line of defense

04:01 against the effects of criticism it

04:04 means that we can be on our guard when

04:06 we are attacked against raising the

04:08 stakes unnecessarily we can learn to

04:11 separate out the verdict of today from

04:13 the emotional verdict we are carrying

04:15 around with us and always seeking to

04:18 confirm with the use of current events

04:21 we can learn that however sad the

04:23 attacks we are facing they are as

04:26 nothing next to the real tragedy and the

04:28 effective cause of our sadness that

04:31 things went wrong back then and so we

04:35 can direct our attention to where it

04:37 really belongs away from today's critics

04:40 and towards the unconvinced parent of

04:43 yesteryear we can forgive ourselves for

04:46 being in this area through no fault of

04:49 our own faithfully sensitive and in

04:52 essence mentally unwell we cannot stop

04:56 the attacks of the world but we can

04:58 through an exploration of our histories

05:00 change what they mean to us

05:03 we can also importantly get a second

05:06 chance we can go back and correct the

05:09 original verdict of the world we can

05:11 take measures to expose ourselves to the

05:14 gaze of friends all more ideally of a

05:17 talented psychotherapist who can hold up

05:19 a more benign mirror and teach us a

05:22 lesson that should have been gifted us

05:24 from the start that like every human

05:27 whatever our flaws we deserve to be here

05:35 at the school of life we believe that

05:38 confidence is a skill we can learn our

05:40 confidence prompt cards are designed to

05:43 help us master this mysterious art click

05:47 now to learn more

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