00:11No, where are you really from?
00:16The South side side of Chicago?
00:28For years, I couldn't explain why
incidents like this made me feel so
00:35You speak such good English,
you must be good at math.
00:40Your people's food is so spicy.
00:44Innocuous on the surface,
but when repeated 10,
00:5020, 50 times,
I would start to get annoyed.
00:56But these were just curious people
with good intentions, right?
00:59What right did I have to be annoyed?
01:05It wasn't until I was in
college that I realized what
01:09I was experiencing were
racial microaggressions.
01:13Psychologist Derald Wing Sue
defines microaggressions as brief,
01:19everyday exchanges that send
denigrating messages to
01:23certain individuals based
on their group membership.
01:27While they can be the product
of environmental or
01:31behavioral slights,
most of the time they are unintentional.
01:36And they happen all the time.
01:39In fact, in a recent survey that
I sent out to my GSB classmates,
01:4577% of respondents identified as having
been the victim of a microaggression.
01:54Well, take this example.
01:57When a young woman repeatedly hears,
you have a great shot at that
02:02promotion because they need
a female on their leadership team.
02:07She starts to feel like she doesn't
deserve to be there based on
02:12her own merits alone.
02:14She starts to feel like
she doesn't belong.
02:18Think that was too extreme of an example?
02:22Take my opening question.
02:23No, where are you really from,
02:27implies that Chicago
cannot be a valid answer.
02:32I cannot be American.
02:34I must be a foreigner.
02:35I cannot claim to be from the place
that I'm from because of how I look.
02:43And I perpetually don't belong.
02:46Now, the purpose of my talk today
is not to play the victim or
02:50to even fantasize about a perfect world
where there are no microaggressions.
02:56That would be unrealistic, because of all
of the unique backgrounds, experiences,
03:02and implicit biases that everybody on
this Earth carries with us, me included.
03:08Instead, I want to recognize
that these tiny snubs exist.
03:15All of us commit them, and
that's going to happen.
03:20While our intent is not
necessarily malicious,
03:24different comments land with
different people in different ways.
03:29And I'm here, firstly,
to bring awareness to that fact of life.
03:35And more importantly, to tell you
what I've learned we can do if and
03:40when we find ourselves on either
end of a microaggression.
03:49A couple of years ago,
03:50I had a boss casually throw me the advice
to act more like the men in the room.
03:59I was stunned, I had no words
to express how I was feeling.
04:05So I just said okay, and
walked back to my desk.
04:12Six months passed, and I heard those
words haunting me every single day.
04:19You should act more like a man.
04:22Being a woman is not good enough.
04:26My sense of self worth, my confidence,
and my productivity took a hit,
04:32as I desperately tried to figure out
how to make sense of that comment.
04:38How could we have avoided this situation?
04:43Let's turn to the receiving end.
04:44There are three things that you can do
when you find yourself the recipient of
04:51First and most importantly,
prioritize yourself.
04:55There are situations where it
doesn't make sense to respond.
05:00If I had gotten this comment from
a stranger I'd never see again, or
05:05perhaps if my safety could have
been compromised if I did respond,
05:10I would give myself the permission
to not say anything.
05:14And I know that it's unfair that
the emotional burden of whether or
05:19not to respond falls on the recipient.
05:22But the more comfortable we get
with drawing boundaries and
05:27predicting the implications to our lives
if we do not respond, the easier it gets.
05:34Second, if you're in a place to,
ask clarifying questions.
05:40I could have simply asked my boss,
what exactly do you mean by that?
05:47He likely would have said something
about how I should be more confident, or
05:52how I should be more aggressive
with my good opinions.
05:55No malintent, great.
05:59And third,
if you have the emotional bandwidth to,
06:04state how the comment impacted you.
06:08In one of the GSB's flagship classes on
interpersonal dynamics, we always talk
06:14about how I cannot assume your intent,
since that's something only you know.
06:19And that you cannot assume the impact
that your words have on me,
06:24since that's something only I know.
06:26In the class, we call these
assumptions crossing the net.
06:32In the case of a microaggression,
if it is productive to state how
06:37the comment made you feel,
it can help the perpetrator learn and
06:42perhaps change their behavior for
next time.
06:46In my example,
I could have simply told my boss,
06:50when you tell me to act like a man,
I feel frustrated and dejected.
06:57Because I can never be
enough due to who I am.
07:01I did eventually confront my boss and
tell him this, and
07:05I remember he looked shocked.
07:08He fumbled and admitted that he hadn't
realized that's how I had taken it,
07:13and that his intent was
just to be helpful.
07:16He did apologize for
the effect that his advice had on me, and
07:20I immediately felt like
a part of the team again.
07:24Let's quickly turn to the giving end.
07:28A couple years ago I was joking with my
friends in Seattle about our experiences
07:33living there, when my friend made a
comment about the lack of diversity there.
07:38To which I said, [LAUGH] what do you care?
07:41You're just a straight, white man.
07:45I watched his face fall, and
07:48immediately knew that I had crossed
a line that I hadn't meant to.
07:55Being the perpetrator of more than a few
of these kinds of careless comments
08:00has taught me three things that you
can do when you find that you've just
08:04committed a microaggression.
08:07First, accept the other person's truth.
08:12If they tell you how you made them feel,
don't cross the net.
08:19Trust their reality and use it to
inform how you show up next time.
08:24Which leads me to number two,
08:27be open to change and
learn from the experience.
08:32Not only can that help you
do better next time, but
08:36that can help you become
a better ally if you see similar
08:39microaggressions being
committed by others.
08:43And third,
if you find yourself feeling guilty,
08:48remember we are only human.
08:51Everybody makes mistakes.
08:54Microaggressions are largely
unintentional.
08:57And their impact is not even uniform
across members of the same group.
09:03Different comments land with
different people in different ways.
09:11And while it's more than okay to be
curious about where I'm from, the decision
09:16to reject my truth turns ignorance into
malice, and small pinches into a bruise.
09:25It would be naive to think that we
can completely rid the world of
09:30But we can react to them
in a more productive way,
09:34by strengthening our muscles of asking
the questions and trusting the responses.
09:41It is my hope that we are all
better equipped to handle this
09:46world's inevitable imperfect situations
with greater empathy and trust.
09:53So that nobody feels like they
09:57don't belong, thank you.
10:02>> [APPLAUSE]
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