00:06I'd like you to do two things.
00:08Firstly, think about the two most loved
ones in your life right now.
00:18Great next I'd like you to rank them on a
scale of one to ten.
00:23[LAUGH] This scale is how much you share
yourself with them.
00:29Your inner most thoughts and emotions, one
being you share nothing,
00:33ten being that you are a complete open
book.
00:40Cool, seems like we all have it.
00:43So, hold that until the end of this little
keynote and we will come back to that.
00:50My keynote today is about relationships
and connections,
00:53and about what holds us back from them.
00:58See to me, a real relationship is one
where you share yourself with your loved
01:01ones, you share your inner most thoughts,
you share your emotions in aid and
01:06service of a better relationship but I
don't think we do that enough.
01:12I don't think we have the strongest
relationships we could,
01:14and the silent enemy here is our own
misperceptions.
01:21What are misperceptions?
01:23Well, if I'm trying to share myself, I
might be worried about protecting someone
01:27protecting them from what my innermost
thoughts and emotions are.
01:31I might be worried about changing the the
image I have and ahead of me.
01:36Or worst of all, breaking a relationship
cuz we're scared of sharing ourselves.
01:44And I notice, cuz I do this every single
day.
01:50And it's something I'm trying not to do.
01:53See, I over weigh the risks.
01:56I worry about protecting people.
01:56I worry about losing them.
02:01And as such I don't share the risk I could
have share the [UNKNOWN] risks.
02:06And even so, cuz I don't do it enough I
underweigh the benefits and
02:11I don't do it again and
02:13I don't want you to make the same mistake
with your close loved ones.
02:19I'm gonna tell you a few stories where I
02:22have closed myself off because of my own
misperceptions.
02:29And hopefully you can open up then, from
there.
02:35I lost my father when I was six years old.
02:38He went missing on a business trip and we
never heard from him again.
02:44And my family went into chaos.
02:48There was anger and some depression as
well.
02:53And from ages six to 13 I was told
nothing.
02:57It took til when I was 13, and I was
totally oblivious before that point.
03:02And I'm playing in the park with my uncle,
and his two, and his two,
03:05and his sons, my cousins.
03:08And I hear one of my cousins shout Dad,
Dad, pass the ball, and
03:13something just dropped and I asked myself
a question.
03:18He has a dad, where is my dad?
03:22And misperceptions started filling my
head.
03:26Was it my fault my dad had disappeared?
03:27What were they not telling me?
03:32What was the great secret?
03:35I'd been a happy kid, before hand, I would
run straight home from school and
03:40I would go to my family and tell them how
my day was, this changed.
03:45I ran straight to my room every single day
for the next year.
03:50I closed myself off from my family.
03:51I dove myself into my books.
03:53And I got great grades which they loved me
for
04:00but I got validation from my grades and
not who I truly was inside.
04:08And it took six months of counseling to
get past this,
04:11six moths of counseling to get over the
grief, but
04:14moreover realize that I was holding
misperceptions in my own head.
04:18My family had lost a husband, an uncle,
and a son.
04:24How could they tell a six or thirteen year
old boy,
04:26your father isnt coming back, cuz that
would mean accepting it for themselves.
04:32I realize this is a misperception, i was
wrong so
04:37i became a happier kid from that.
04:41I opened up to my family, i used to run to
them and
04:43tell them how my day was, cuz I know it
was my own misperception.
04:48But my misperception had closed me off for
a year and
04:51a half to my family, I had lost that time
with them.
04:56Now the next story is a teenage right of
passage it's one we
05:01all know all too well I mean, it's telling
your parents you've been on a date.
05:07It's that kind of story [LAUGH] shock all
around the room yep.
05:12To give you some back story, my mother had
been on four dates with my father,
05:19and they decided to get married very
traditional, in Indian society.
05:26So, what I thought for my mother what she
wanted from
05:31me was you go to a good high school,
[LAUGH] get great university,
05:38get good internship, get great graduate
job,.
05:43You can see where this is going [LAUGH] go
to great graduate
05:48program Stanford MBA will do.
05:51[LAUGH] Find wife and have a very good
life.
06:00[LAUGH] So I'm 18 I'm back home from
college.
06:04It's the first time I'm back and I've been
on a date with this wonderful girl and,
06:08for a week or so I'd been debating, do I
tell my mother?
06:11A week later, I'm in the kitchen cooking
with her and
06:13I finally decide to break the news to her,
but I'm worried.
06:17What's she going to think of me?
06:18Is she going to think less of me?
06:19Will she think I'm not traditional, but I
say it anyway.
06:23Cooking mushrooms and I say, Mom so I've
kind of met a girl.
06:33What do you mean met a girl.
06:40We've been on a few dates.
06:44Oh, Have you kissed yet?
06:48[LAUGH] And at this point my heart is
going [SOUND].
06:52My misperceptions are filling my head.
06:54I'm just thinking oh God what do I do now?
06:58But I decide to tell her, I say yes.
07:01[INAUDIBLE] [LAUGH] And her reaction is
one that I never could have imagined.
07:24At this moment I realize my misconceptions
were all gone.
07:29She didn't want me to follow traditional
path.
07:31She was happy and excited for me.
07:36And now I'm very open with my, about my
relationships.
07:40If anything she's too involved now.
07:45But that's a story for another day.
07:49My final story is about getting to know my
father better.
07:55Now as you recall, my father went missing
when I was six and
07:58I have four memories of him.
08:02That's four memories of someone who's 50%
of my DNA.
08:04That's crazy, and last year, when I was
doing a talk at the GSP, I realized this.
08:14But the reason I hadn't asked my family
since I was six, was because of the fact
08:19that I thought they need to be protected,
it was a misperception.
08:23Yes they were hurting, they had gone
through to strife.
08:27If I open this can of worms up, then I
would be causing a family struggle, so
08:33I had held back, but I realized I just had
to know, for
08:37memories was not enough for me.
08:40So I took my uncle into the cold sitting
room two Christmases ago.
08:44We normally have a very jovial
relationship so he knew something was up.
08:47He goes, Jay, this seems really serious.
08:53And now my misperceptions are playing.
08:56Am I going to hurt him?
08:58Am I going to cause family struggles?
09:00And these emotions start bubbling up
within me, and before I know, I'm saying,
09:04I go, what the hell, I know absolutely
nothing at all, what the hell's going on,
09:09I know four memories, you haven't told me
anything, I know you're hurting,
09:12let me know his face, his jaw is dropping,
his face is getting whiter and whiter.
09:21And my misperceptions are playing.
09:23Oh, God, what the hell have I just done?
09:26But his response, again, wipe my
misperceptions.
09:30I can't believe we haven't talked about
this sooner.
09:36I had no idea why you've never asked me.
09:39And I know that we needed to have this
discussion.
09:45Misperceptions, white my uncle didn't need
to be protected.
09:51This wasn't gonna cause some family
struggle or strife.
09:57But I, my own misperceptions had held back
knowing about my father since I was six.
10:03I could have known, 19 years ago, about my
father, yet my own misperceptions that
10:09held me back from finding out about 50% of
my DNA that's crazy.
10:18And I don't want you to make the same
mistake that I did.
10:22So I'll ask you this, go back to those two
people at the start of this little keynote
10:26that you had in your head your two loved
ones.
10:28And this weekend ask yourself
10:33what misperceptions are you holding about
those two loved ones, that are holding you
10:38from fully sharing yourself and having a
strong and great relationship with them?
10:44And then just go, eh.
10:47[LAUGH].
Take that risk,
10:48cuz if those two loved ones aren't worth a
risk, then who is?
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