00:00Transcriber: Marina Aalten
Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
00:06on a rainy Friday in Los Angeles.
00:09My dad was just brewing
a cup of coffee in the kitchen
00:14when he answered a call
from an unknown number.
00:19He froze as he heard a woman
violently crying and screaming
00:24on the other side of the line.
00:27Next, a strong masculine voice came on.
00:33And he said to my dad,
00:35"We have your daughter,
00:37and if you don't listen
to every single word that we say,
00:43we're going to kill her."
00:48he lost his breath for a moment,
00:50and he managed to ask,
00:53"Can I talk to her?"
00:55"Do you want us to break her arm?"
01:00Now, you have to understand
I am one of two daughters.
01:05just six months
before this phone call came in,
01:09we took my big sister off of life support.
01:14I'll never forget the day that she died.
01:17My dad looked at me with this grief,
with this heartbreak,
01:21bigger than the entire sky,
01:24and he kept repeating to me, saying,
01:26"Now I only have one daughter left."
01:30So, as anyone would when they're in fear,
he gave his power away,
01:35and he desperately said to the kidnappers,
01:37"This is my only daughter;
I'll do whatever you want."
01:43"Are you alone?"
the kidnappers asked him.
01:45And in that moment, he locked eyes
with my mom across the kitchen,
01:48pressed his fingers to his lips,
silently begging her to remain quiet.
01:53And he said to them, "Yep, I'm alone,"
as he scribbled on a napkin.
02:00"Go outside, quiet, call 911.
Ashley's been kidnapped"
02:07My sweet mom, she hurried outside
with her hands trembling,
02:10and she managed to call 911.
02:13my dad was being commanded
by the kidnappers.
02:16"Get in your car," they said to him.
02:19"You're going to the bank,
02:21you're keeping us on the phone,
02:22and you're going to pay a ransom.
02:24And if you don't cooperate,
02:25we'll be sending you
her body parts in the mail."
02:30My mom let the police know
to meet her at the bank,
02:32and she tiptoed in the car
so that they wouldn't hear her.
02:37The conversation in the car to the bank
was all over the place.
02:40In one minute, they were asking
my dad how his day was.
02:43In the next minute,
they were threatening to rape me.
02:47They pulled up at the bank,
02:48and my mom went to meet
the police officer,
02:50and meanwhile, my dad
stiffly walked into the bank
02:54with his phone on
in his pocket as promised
02:57so that the kidnapper
could hear him wiring the funds.
03:02Meanwhile, as all of this was unfolding,
03:06I was actually sitting
in my quaint, little Beverly Hills office,
03:11conducting a podcast interview.
03:15I remember throughout
the conversation with my guest
03:17kind of seeing my phone
light up across my desk
03:19and not thinking much of it.
03:21No, it wasn't until my guest left
that I saw a slew of missed calls.
03:25And most importantly,
03:26I saw one text message
that I'll never forget.
03:30It said, "This is the police.
03:32I'm with your family. Please call."
03:37Now, in my early 20s,
03:39I worked in counter-terrorism
at the Pentagon, in Washington, D.C.,
03:42so believe me when I tell you
that my imagination of what could go wrong
03:50But in that moment -
I've never gotten a message like that,
03:53thinking that maybe whatever
was on the other side of that text message
03:57was going to ruin my life.
03:59So I sat there, and I mustered
the courage to finally call.
04:04He said, "This is Officer Johnson.
Is this Ashley?" "Yes"
04:07He said, "Please confirm your name."
04:09I said, "This is Ashley Michelle Stahl.
Is my family okay?"
04:12Next thing I knew, I heard commotion.
04:13He yelled across the bank to my dad,
04:15"Mister Stahl, hang up the phone!
04:18She's on the line; it's a scam!"
04:23I heard a ton of commotion,
04:24and then my dad grabbed the phone
from the police officer.
04:27And he came onto the phone with me
04:29with a voice sounding more fragile
than I've ever heard him before.
04:34And all he said to me was "Is it you?"
04:38I said, "Yeah, it's me."
04:41And for the first time ever,
I heard my dad break down and sob.
04:48He didn't sob like that
when I was a little girl.
04:51I remember one
of his businesses went under,
04:53and our family went
through an incredibly hard time,
04:56and he didn't sob like that.
04:58When I was in middle school,
I came home one day,
05:00and he told me he had stage III cancer.
05:04And he didn't sob like that
the day my big sister passed away.
05:10He kept asking me if it was me,
05:12as in I felt like
I had to prove that it was,
05:14so I said, "Yeah, Dad, it's me.
05:17We dressed up as hotdogs
together for Halloween.
05:21You love cheesecake.
05:22I just signed my book deal.
05:25And he met me with one question.
05:28He said, "Can you please just come home?"
05:32I remember walking in the front door
of my parents' house,
05:35my dad rushed over to me,
and we hugged heart to heart,
05:38and I felt his pain in a way
that I've never felt on another person.
05:45It was in that moment
that I also realized
05:47that parents aren't superhumans,
05:50that they're just people -
like you, like me -
05:54doing the best that they can.
05:58He walked me through the phone call
from start to finish,
06:00and I couldn't believe
06:02that for two entire hours
he was living one reality
06:06while I was living
a completely separate one.
06:09But knowing that the truth
always leaves clues,
06:14I couldn't help but wonder,
06:16how did my supersmart dad get so duped?
06:22And did the crying woman
even sound like me?
06:28And how did he manage
to give his power away so quickly
06:32to a bunch of strangers?
06:34So, eventually, I managed to ask him,
06:36"Did you ever doubt that this was real?"
06:39And he gave an answer
that we all tend to give
06:43when life corners us and we buy into fear.
06:49"I didn't think
that there was another option."
06:54Thinking about that, he went on,
06:56about how we get so scared,
07:00and how somebody
was screaming on the line,
07:02and you don't have time
to think about that.
07:04And that totally made sense to me.
07:05But throughout the rest of the night,
07:07I sat there in so much sadness
and some anger,
07:11looking at how traumatized -
07:13I'd never seen my 75-year old dad
07:17wondering how could somebody
do this to another person?
07:22And it was in that moment
07:23that something completely
unexpected washed over me.
07:27And it was compassion.
07:29Not just for my dad,
but for the fake kidnappers.
07:36why would somebody choose a career path
of scaring people like that
07:40and robbing them of their life savings?
07:44The only answer I could come up with
07:46was maybe they didn't think
they had a better option,
07:49or, you know, maybe this
is what their parents taught them,
07:53just like my parents taught me
what was possible for me in my career,
07:57or maybe they don't have the awareness
that there's another way.
08:02Put simply, maybe this was the best
that they thought they could do
08:06to get by, survive,
and meet their needs in the world,
08:10and pay their bills.
08:13Often, we kidnap ourselves
from the lives that we actually want
08:18because we think a different path
08:20is going to help us survive,
get by, pay our bills,
08:24or meet our needs in the world.
08:28I pulled out my journal,
and I wrote at the top of it,
08:32"I'm my own kidnapper."
08:37I listed all of the ways over the years
08:39that I silenced the truth
of what I actually want,
08:42all of the times
that I took myself captive
08:45on soul-crushing journeys
that I didn't even want to be on.
08:48I thought about how so many of us
choose majors in college or career paths
08:52that we don't even want to be on,
08:54because we think it will help us
08:56survive, get by,
or meet our needs in the world.
09:00But it doesn't have to be that way.
09:03I encourage you to ask yourself,
09:07"Where am I kidnapping myself
from the life that I really want?"
09:15"How am I giving away my power,
getting into fear,
09:19just to meet my needs in the world?"
09:22When we go into fear,
we give away our power
09:25and we disconnect from who we really are
and what we really want.
09:30But as a career coach, I've learned
09:31that there are three key steps
that you can take right now
09:34to make what I love to call a "you-turn,"
09:37which is the decision to get out of fear
and come home to yourself.
09:42So the first step is to do a self audit.
09:46Really ask yourself,
09:48"Where am I holding myself captive?"
09:52This means being honest with yourself
09:54about where you are,
what's working for you, and what isn't.
09:59If you think about it,
we come into the world,
10:01our natural state
is with so much love, creativity -
10:04think about kids; they have inspiration -
10:06and yet over time we're taught to fear.
10:09And fear is a necessary
inner alarm system
10:12that we all need to survive
in the physical world.
10:16We learn to look both ways
before we cross the street.
10:20We learn not to touch
the stove when it's hot.
10:23We learn not to talk to strangers.
10:26But over time, we get hurt.
10:29Life throws us curveballs.
10:31We learn to stop taking risks
and start being afraid.
10:38We get afraid to put ourselves out there.
10:40We start calling ourselves
"practical" or "realistic"
10:43for making choices
that seem "responsible"
10:45when really we're just
so scared of criticism.
10:51And if we're being
really honest with ourselves,
10:53people who call themselves realists
are often just dreamers
10:56who got their hearts broken
somewhere along the way.
11:02So how do you make a you-turn?
11:05You do a self audit.
11:08You come home to yourself.
11:10And that's why one of my favorite
questions to ask people is
11:14"What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?"
11:19What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?
11:25Maybe some of you know
that you're hiding from the truth.
11:29Deep down, you know
you're hiding from the truth.
11:33Maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you hate your job,
11:36but you won't admit it
because you're scared
11:38and you don't know where to go next.
11:40Or maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you married the wrong person,
11:43but you're scared to admit it
because it's going to unravel your life
11:50Or maybe you know that something
is going on with your health,
11:54but you're scared to go to the doctor
11:56because you don't want
to hear the diagnosis.
12:00Whatever it is, tap into
what's deeply true for you,
12:05seeing things as they are -
12:07not worse than they are,
not better than they are,
12:10but as they actually are.
12:12In order to figure out
what you really want,
12:14you need to see the truth
of where you are.
12:18And maybe right now you feel pain
bubbling up inside of you
12:22as you look at what's true for you.
12:26pain is often a trampoline
12:28that will launch us
into our next stage of life
12:31if we're willing to let it.
12:34The second step is to follow your freedom.
12:39Follow your freedom.
12:41This means paying attention
to what feels good to you
12:45so that you can finally set yourself free.
12:49So you're probably wondering right now,
12:52how do I feel what feels good?"
12:56We live in a world right now
12:57of Internet trolls and tweets
and text messages,
13:01and the data is officially in:
13:04that we're somehow,
according to research,
13:06more disconnected than ever.
13:09In fact, in the United States alone,
71% of the workforce is on the job hunt.
13:14And I believe, as a career expert,
13:16that that is because people
don't like where they are.
13:19More than 70% of the United States
is taking prescription drugs,
13:24and more than half of marriages
are ending in divorce.
13:29We've heard it all before.
13:31"Do what you love,
and the money will follow."
13:35Or my least favourite piece of advice,
13:37"Follow your passion."
13:38These short expressions
are often a fast track to nowhere.
13:43But when you learn to really follow
what feels good to you,
13:47your purpose is often
either right in front of you
13:50or on the periphery of that.
13:53So maybe you're wondering,
13:54"Well, how do I really connect to my body?
13:56How do I feel what feels good?"
13:58You're still being with this question.
13:59And that totally makes sense to me.
14:03scientists are calling our gut
"our second brain,"
14:06and you've probably heard the research
14:07that suggests that there's more
than 200 million neurons in our gut,
14:11which is equivalent to the size
of a cat or dog's brain.
14:16So what does that mean to you?
14:17That means if in your nervous system
14:19you're feeling some sort
of anxiety or disconnect,
14:23some nerves, something feels off,
14:25to trust it because
your body is a messenger
14:28and it is constantly giving you feedback.
14:33when I moved to Washington, D.C.,
to work in counter-terrorism,
14:37I didn't know if that was going to be
my ultimate career path.
14:40But something about it felt good to me.
14:43And guess what happened on the periphery?
14:45I succeeded in my career.
14:48I learned how to master the job hunt.
14:49And I became a career expert.
14:52And guess what happened
on the periphery of that?
14:55I became a published author,
my biggest dream.
14:59In a world of climbing
the corporate ladder,
15:03five-year plans, and unnecessary degrees,
15:06we are all striving for something
that is so unrealistic.
15:10And it's perfection.
15:12But who you are at age 25
isn't going to be who you are at age 30,
15:18and it certainly isn't going to be
who you are at age 40.
15:23And that's why I invite you
to see your career as an experiment
15:28that really meets you where you are -
15:30a vehicle for your own self-expression.
15:35You can start with writing down
all of your ideas
15:38and checking in with your body,
seeing how they feel to you.
15:41Do you feel joy? Or do you feel fear?
15:44Do you feel expansion?
Or do you feel contraction?
15:48Do you feel liberation?
Or do you feel suffocation?
15:53That's why one of my favourite tools
to recommend people that they use
15:57is called a "joy journal."
15:58When you're feeling disconnected,
16:00for 30 days, take the time to write down
16:03every single moment -
that moment that lit you up the most -
16:08if it's the woman you talk to
in the bathroom line at the club
16:12or the meeting you led at work.
16:16And at the end of the 30 days,
16:17take note of if there's any patterns
in your inspiration.
16:22Really ask yourself,
16:23"What skill set am I using
when I'm the most inspired?"
16:28Because when you're in your inspiration,
16:31you're not being run
or kidnapped by your fear.
16:35And the third step is to engage.
16:41So needless to say,
your cute little joy journal
16:44isn't going to get you that love interest
that you've been pining over
16:47or that dream job that you really want.
16:51But perfectionism is the enemy of action.
16:54And often, I found that perfectionism
is a mask that we all wear
16:59when we're afraid of failure.
17:03So ask yourself, "Am I a perfectionist?"
17:06Because here's the truth of the matter.
17:08Clarity comes from engagement;
it does not come from thought.
17:17So if you want to be powerful,
look at your list,
17:20pick something that feels good.
17:22Show up, see what feedback
the universe gives you,
17:26and know that you can course-correct
17:32You know, looking back and thinking
about the fake kidnapping incident,
17:37I think a lot about my dad
17:38and all of the trauma
that he experienced that day,
17:41nearly wiring his entire life savings
to some strangers on the phone.
17:47I think about how the truth
always really does leave clues.
17:52How he thought to ask if it was me
or if he could talk to me
17:55because early on
in the kidnapper conversation,
17:58he wanted to talk to me for proof.
18:00Some part of him knew.
18:02I think about how he gave away his power
in desperation and in fear,
18:11I thought about my compassion
for the kidnappers,
18:14and all of the lessons
that I really learned.
18:18We all have the opportunity
to free ourselves.
18:23And it starts with really taking a look
18:29Following what feels good.
18:34No matter where you are
in your life right now,
18:36you have the opportunity
to make a you-turn.
18:40That means connecting to the truth.
18:41Connecting to your body.
18:43Connecting to your joy.
18:46Most of all, that means
making your you-turn.
