00:04several years ago i was on a flight and
00:07this gentleman sits down next to me and
00:09and strikes up the typical airplane
00:11small talk so he says
00:14and i said i study and teach leadership
00:18without pause and dead serious he goes
00:21okay so like trust falls and stuff
00:28because the part of me that had just
00:29spent about seven years in grad school
00:31wanted to swear to this man mostly to
00:35that i didn't just spent that much of my
00:37life learning how to do trust falls
00:40but the other part of me knew that this
00:41was a four hour flight and i'm in a
00:43window seat i have no idea how long i'm
00:44going to be committed to this
00:49yes basically trust fault
00:52as you can imagine leadership
00:54development isn't exactly about doing
00:56trust falls but it is about
00:58understanding what it takes to walk with
01:00people into the unknown
01:02and try to build a better world
01:05so today i want to talk to you about one
01:07idea that's at the heart of the work
01:10and that's leading through change
01:14now what if i asked you
01:16what changes have you experienced in the
01:21it's an impossible question wear a mask
01:23don't wear a mask work from home come
01:25back to work open the schools close the
01:26schools make banana bread make sourdough
01:29it hasn't stopped it's all we've been
01:36psychologists call this change fatigue
01:38it's where a lot of change is happening
01:41all at once and so we get burned out and
01:43apathetic and frustrated
01:47but change is always going to be a
01:49constant in our lives
01:51and in fact it's necessary for our
01:54progress in society and necessary for
01:56our evolution as human beings
02:00so imagine the changes you've
02:02experienced in the last couple of years
02:04and i'd like for you to
02:06raise your hand if you think that the
02:08leaders you saw did a fantastic job
02:17maybe two of you this is good this is
02:21um but this is the reality good
02:24leadership is the exception it's not the
02:26norm but good leadership
02:30makes all the difference in how engaged
02:32and committed and hopeful we are as we
02:35walk into the future
02:38now in my work i often talk to leaders
02:41and i say what's the most difficult part
02:43about leading change and always they
02:46tell me it's the people
02:54they tell me about their attempts to
02:57start a new business or launch a new
02:59project or maybe new policies new
03:03and they'll they'll say it's so
03:04frustrating because people won't jump on
03:06board or they drag their feet or maybe
03:08just flat out oppose their efforts
03:11or they'll say you know it's confusing
03:13because i talk to people and they say
03:15they're committed they say they're with
03:16me but then come to find out they've
03:19resorted back to their old habits and
03:20old behaviors and nothing changes
03:25and then as leaders get more frustrated
03:27with the resistance that they're
03:29experiencing they come to meet force
03:34it's a very popular leadership technique
03:35that i call because i said so
03:38it's where leaders say do it
03:43parents you might also know this one
03:46but as you can guess
03:49this doesn't work at least not in the
03:50long term you might get compliance
03:54but you'll rarely ever get true
03:57and at this point the leader has
04:00exhausted their ability to inspire
04:02people's hearts and minds and influence
04:06and so now they're relying on the
04:08authority of their position
04:10to make people change
04:14and it's a relational dynamic that
04:16leaders and their people find themselves
04:18in time and time again
04:23we make one crucial mistake
04:26right from the start
04:28we don't get curious about the true
04:34what is underneath change that people
04:39i came across an answer to this question
04:41in one of my very first leadership books
04:44that i read a book by ron heifetz and
04:47and they said that people don't resist
04:57this completely altered the way that i
04:59thought about change
05:00it's not the change that we resist
05:02itself it's what we stand to lose if the
05:05change actually happens
05:07and leaders spend so much of our time
05:10thinking about what we want people to do
05:12that we forget about what we're asking
05:19now there's some classic research by
05:22and amos tversky that found that the
05:24pain of losing something is twice as
05:27than the pleasure of gaining something
05:31so even if the future is looking pretty
05:34the fear of loss causes us to keep this
05:36white knuckle grip on the status quo
05:41now loss can encompass many things
05:43across the course of our life people
05:45places things future plans
05:48but there are several
05:50core types of loss that are particularly
05:52painful in social environments
05:55like ones where leadership is happening
05:58and i want to explore five of those with
06:08will this change jeopardize my sense of
06:12on a neurobiological level we all need
06:14to feel safe physically and
06:16psychologically and we get these things
06:19we get this predictability in our life
06:21from things like stable jobs and
06:23reliable finances and healthy
06:24relationships or maybe you've got some
06:26rituals and routines that you've set up
06:30and the more predictability equals the
06:32more safety so when something comes
06:34along that makes your life all of a
06:36sudden unpredictable it equals danger
06:42we push back we grasp for certainty
06:44because we're looking for
06:52now just as we want to feel safe and
06:54secure and grounded we also need to feel
06:59fundamentally we want to say in how our
07:03how we get from a to b and the actions
07:08now think about this dilemma that so
07:09much of our our workforce is facing
07:11right now 60 million people could do
07:13their jobs completely from home
07:16but gallup just found that 90 percent
07:19would prefer a partial or remote work
07:24so if employers came back tomorrow and
07:26said we need everybody
07:27in the office button seats eight to five
07:29monday through friday
07:33because this decision constrains the
07:35autonomy that people have come to value
07:44well this change cost me my sense of
07:46status among my people
07:49social hierarchies govern our
07:51relationships as human beings
07:53whether they're formal hierarchies or
07:55not and the higher the status the more
07:58respect the more significance the more
08:01power and and influence you have
08:04and once you have it it's hard to let it
08:07this reminds me of an organization i
08:09worked with and they were trying to
08:10implement this new technology that that
08:12really changed the way they work
08:14and their their people had to learn a
08:16lot of new things and
08:18after several months it wasn't very
08:20successful it wasn't sticking so i
08:22started to ask some questions and i met
08:24linda and linda told me
08:29great at my job for 20 years for 20
08:32years people come to me when they have
08:33questions and now all of a sudden
08:35they're trying to get me to learn all
08:37these new things and i'm not sure that i
08:39can or that i even want to
08:41and i feel like people don't respect
08:44what i have to offer anymore
08:51i get it because i imagine if we felt
08:53like linda if we were in a position
08:55where we had spent two decades building
09:00and all the sudden that was going away
09:03with some change in our environment we'd
09:05probably push back too
09:12just as much as we want to stand out
09:15we also want to belong
09:18one of my clients sarah
09:20she had just gotten a promotion
09:22and she told me it was bittersweet and
09:24i'm like i don't understand because
09:27and she said you know
09:30i've been at this job for for years and
09:32for years i've been peers with these
09:34people they've been my friends they've
09:36come to my wedding and now all of a
09:37sudden i'm their boss
09:40and it's like our our relationship
09:44it feels distant it feels strained
09:50this promotion gave her a sense of
09:52significance and status but it also
09:56she worried that it cost her belonging
09:59in a group that she she really come to
10:02and for me sarah's story also reminds us
10:05of this paradox of change that we can
10:08experience the same event and feel both
10:14what we're gaining but
10:16sadness for what we have to give up
10:25if you have a sibling you know about
10:29one year for christmas my dad just got
10:30my sister and i the same exact gifts he
10:33just got two of everything completely
10:35identical down to the print of our
10:36shirts most peaceful christmas we've
10:42when you encounter fairness out in the
10:46and decisions are made that put fairness
10:48at stake like for instance decisions
10:50actions that might challenge
10:53the right to marry who we love or
10:55decisions that might exacerbate pay
11:04as it turns out there's a common thread
11:07among all of these core needs the reason
11:10that they are they are so important to
11:13us and are so deeply painful to lose
11:18when we're asked to give them up we have
11:20to question core parts of our identity
11:30who am i without this job or title or
11:36what does it mean about me and my people
11:38if we keep getting the raw end of the
11:40deal will i recognize myself if i don't
11:42see myself as competent or if people
11:48we cling so tightly to our identities
11:52requires that we have to give up a part
11:55of ourselves it feels like the ground is
11:57falling out from underneath us
12:00and so how do we find our footing
12:03there was a study done by merlin venus a
12:06dutch professor and his colleagues and
12:08it looked at two groups of students
12:10and both groups of students were
12:12experiencing very disruptive changes in
12:14their business school and they got both
12:16got these messages about what the
12:18purpose for the change was
12:20what they should expect what were some
12:22of the potential setbacks and what were
12:24all the future benefits
12:26but the second group the second group
12:28got one additional message
12:32and this message said that despite these
12:35the core aspects of our program teamwork
12:38professionalism fairness those will not
12:43the students in that second group
12:45were four times more likely
12:48to accept the change
12:51and adjust their behavior
12:55so what does this mean
12:57it means that people are more open to
13:00change when they know what will stay the
13:06so the vision of a bright new future
13:09that's only one half of the equation we
13:12also need to know what will continue
13:15and we can bring that forward when we
13:17highlight the aspects of ourselves of
13:19our identity that will endure
13:22so leaders must not act
13:24only as champions of change but as
13:27anchors of stability and stewards of
13:32now you might be thinking listen i am
13:35just trying to get my people to use a
13:36new technology or get used to working
13:38with new team members and you're telling
13:41me that someone is having a full-blown
13:43existential crisis down the hall
13:47no it might not be that dramatic
13:50but don't underestimate the power that
13:52the threat of these losses has on our
13:57and on shaping our behaviors
14:02when change is happening and loss is on
14:05the horizon how do we lead ourselves and
14:13consider the wisdom in resistance
14:16resistance can teach us if we let it it
14:18can teach us what's important to
14:20ourselves and to others and it can also
14:22teach us where we might have missed the
14:25where perhaps our plans for change have
14:28caused harm and so we need to go back
14:29and rethink our approach
14:32but sometimes change is inevitable or
14:38that means that loss is the price we pay
14:40for it and also sometimes a necessary
14:46we have to name the losses that others
14:50and that we're facing
14:52ignoring or dismissing these losses
14:56either others or our own
14:59only breeds resentment and anger
15:02but acknowledging these losses
15:04is an exercise in telling the truth
15:08it's an exercise and giving permission
15:10to grieve what's gone it's an exercise
15:16and it puts us on the path toward
15:23shine a light on what stays the same
15:26leading change is a conversation about
15:28reimagining our future yes but it's also
15:31a conversation about remembering
15:33ourselves at the same time
15:37by highlighting the parts of our
15:39identity that will endure we give
15:41ourselves this anchor of stability as we
15:43navigate the unknown
15:46and then finally we can turn towards
15:50when we know who we are and feel
15:52grounded in who we are then we're free
15:55to dream about who we can become
16:00i'll leave you with this story about
16:03a time of change that i experienced in
16:05my life and and some of the most simple
16:07yet extraordinary moments of leadership
16:12years ago i applied for this job in the
16:15leadership studies department and this
16:17was the job to me it was the dream job
16:20and it it was the job that many of my
16:23mentors had had before me i would be in
16:26the classroom with students doing what i
16:28loved and so it was way more than a
16:31it was a step toward who i wanted to
16:35and it also so happened that my mentor
16:38at the time was hiring for the job so i
16:41i i got a pretty good shot
16:46after about a week i hadn't heard from
16:48her and so i emailed her and
16:50and check in and she just responds back
16:57i'm like you might as well have just
16:58texted me we need to talk or something
17:00equally as brutal right
17:03so i go and it was a beautiful day
17:06outside and we sit on this table
17:09and i just kind of knew i said
17:11i didn't get it did i
17:13and she just calmly shook her head and
17:19and i could just feel
17:21the resistance in my body not wanting to
17:24accept the truth of this outcome
17:26because in an instant the picture i had
17:29of my future for the next three years
17:34but what she said next made all the
17:36difference in how i was able to meet
17:40she said i know this role was really
17:42important to you because it meant
17:44getting to do work that you love and
17:46because some important people to you
17:48held this role before
17:51but you can still do what you love
17:54anywhere else out in the world
17:58just her acknowledging what that meant
18:00for me what that loss meant for me
18:03it allowed me to to really face it in
18:05myself right and to to face that this
18:07was the reality and i could feel
18:09the the tightness in my body start to
18:14she said something i'll never forget
18:19it's up to you how you want to take this
18:22but i hope you take this in a way
18:25i think your spirit can
18:29and i just let that sink in for a moment
18:32i hope you take this in a way
18:34i think your spirit can
18:37and for me it was like she was holding
18:40up a mirror to me reminding me that i
18:42was resilient and determined and capable
18:45and i love this work
18:48and when i was able to come back home to
18:51that truth within myself then i was able
18:54to feel grounded enough to
18:57accept the reality and then also
18:59consider the possibilities for my future
19:04we've all experienced so much change and
19:06loss in the last couple of years and
19:09it's going to be the same as we walk
19:11forward into our lives
19:16the next time that change happens we
19:18take the opportunity to practice
19:20leadership whether that leadership is in
19:22your team or your community or your
19:26that we listen for the wisdom and
19:30that we meet the losses with empathy and
19:32anchor in the parts of ourselves that
19:34are steady and unwavering and let the
19:38and then it might be possible to write a
19:41new story of the future together
