00:05There are over 70 million middle children
in the United States right now.
00:10We're talking about over 70 million
Americans with both older and
00:16But, if you watch a lot of movies and
television.
00:21>> You'd think all middle children are
exactly the same.
00:24Take for example, Jan Brady of the Brady
Bunch,
00:28always angrily complaining about her
perfect sister, Marcia.
00:32Or Malcolm in the Middle, who's parents
always forget to pick him up from school.
00:40lost in a sea of red-haired siblings,
drowning in oversized hand-me-downs.
00:46Or sniveling Edith from Downton Abbey
[LAUGH],
00:51always angry, coveting everything our
sisters achieve.
00:56Again and again, middle children are
depicted as neglected ignored,
01:00low in self-esteem, starving for
attention.
01:03And this has to come from some basis in
reality.
01:07After all, our country's most famous
middle child right now would have to be
01:11Kim Kardashian, and who is more starving
for attention than her?
01:18>> But, I'm a middle child and both my
parents are middle children.
01:22So, I've always been fascinated at where
this perception of middle children
01:27Society hands us this view of birth order,
this spectrum.
01:32You have dominant eldest children on one
end and
01:36beloved youngest children on the other.
01:38Us, middle children, are just lost
somewhere in between.
01:41But the more I thought about it, the more
wrong I've realized that world view is.
01:47Today, we'll start off by looking at birth
order research,
01:49to understand where this perception of
middle children comes from.
01:53Then, we'll separately analyze the role of
older sibling and younger sibling.
01:57Before finally, bringing it all together
to try to define what
02:01it means to live from the middle, whether
you have siblings or not.
02:07So, let's start with the data.
02:08Researchers have done a great job
explaining the characteristics of
02:11firstborns and lastborns.
02:13So, who here is the oldest child in their
family?
02:19>> So, you guys have it made.
02:21>> [LAUGH]
>> You will, you'll earn 1%
02:24more income than your younger siblings and
have fewer illnesses too.
02:28Over 60% of CEO's, Ivy League graduates
and
02:32US Presidents are first born in their
family.
02:35And as if this wasn't all enough.
02:37Statistically speaking,
02:38your parents take way more photos of you
than your younger siblings.
02:42>> So, you got a great head start in the
Instagram game.
02:46>> Now, who here is the youngest child in
their family, the baby?
02:50You guys have it pretty good too, I'd say.
02:53You got more of lenient punishments for
02:55the same behavior compared to your
siblings.
02:58>> You are more likely to protest for more
positive social change.
03:02And you have the highest self-esteem of
any birth order.
03:05>> So congratulations, although apparently
you guys do not need the ego boost.
03:12>> So, where does that leave us middles?
03:17A study out of Cornell talked to mothers
and
03:19found that regardless of how many children
they have, mothers tend to turn to their
03:23firstborn child in moments of crisis when
they need advice.
03:28But they feel the most emotionally
connected to their youngest child.
03:32Middle children just didn't factor in
heavily to their answer to either
03:36>> Professor Catherine Salmon ran a
similar series of studies.
03:39In one, she asked undergraduates, who of
all people you know are you closest to?
03:4864% of firstborn children and
03:5039% of lastborn children named a parent as
that one person.
03:54Only 10% of middle children did.
03:55Middle children have a fundamentally
different attachment style to their
04:00And it's lead researchers to coin the term
Middle Child Syndrome, which refers to
04:04the tendency of middle children to
struggle to find a role for themselves in
04:08their family, and as a result, a role for
themselves in the world.
04:12Middle children have the lowest
self-esteem of any birth order,
04:16although I'd imagine having a syndrome
named after us isn't helping things.
04:23>> Why do I wanna speak out on behalf of
middle children?
04:26Because I think part of the reason Middle
Child Syndrome exists
04:29is because it's not something we talk
about or think about.
04:33Not part of any conversation.
04:35I've had discussions with about a dozen
middle children in the last few weeks.
04:38And I've been struck by how difficult it
is for us to define our role in our
04:41family, and how it shaped us, even though
we know it did.
04:47It comes back to this fundamental
question.
04:49What does it mean to live from the middle?
04:52And I think to understand that, we first
need to understand separately, the role of
04:56older sibling and a younger sibling,
because they are very, very different.
05:01So, I grew up looking up to my older
brother, Josh.
05:06He's two years older than me, and a
classic firstborn.
05:09He's ambitious, he's driven,
05:11he's high-achieving, responsible, a bit
neurotic.
05:16>> As a short cut for
05:17my own decision making process, I used to
just copy the things he did.
05:21But trying to be not too Jan Brady about
it.
05:25>> I tried to define myself by doing the
same things as him, but
05:28with my own spin, differently, hopefully
better.
05:30If he played tennis, I played tennis.
05:32If he did highschool newspaper, I did too.
05:34Sometimes, we even dress the same.
05:38>> Having an older sibling gives you
something to prove.
05:42But differentiate from.
05:45On the other hand, being an older brother
to Brett, who's three years younger,
05:49gave me someone to approve.
05:52Like many youngest children, Brett is
artistic and creative.
05:56He is an inspiring graphic designer.
05:59My mom would often want me to spend more
time with Brett growing up, so
06:02I played video games with him, never
letting him win of course.
06:06I teach him how to use a computer program
or help him with his Math homework.
06:10Sometimes, pretending to be annoyed, but
always so
06:13happy that someone needed my help and was
willing to take it.
06:18So, I think in my relationship with Josh,
my relationship with Brett and
06:22how different they are.
06:23And I think of this spectrum, this world
view we're given about birth order.
06:28Ambitious Josh on one end, creative Brett
on the other,
06:31me supposedly lost somewhere in between.
06:35But that wasn't my experience as a middle
child.
06:38Being a middle child isn't about being
lost between two roles.
06:42It's about being firmly planted,
06:43planted on both ends of the spectrum at
the same time.
06:46To have experienced being older and
younger.
06:49To know what it feels like to be the top
dog and the underdog.
06:52And when you think about that perception
of being the middle child,
06:56it unlocks amazing and unique qualities.
07:00Middle children, from a young age,
understand though,
07:04what it feels like to be in a role of
authority and a role of inferiority.
07:08And because of that, research has shown
that middle children are great
07:11negotiators, great mediators, great peace
keepers.
07:14They're comfortable with ambiguity.
07:17Similarly, middle children don't have the
responsibility of the first born or
07:21the attention of the last born, so they're
free to chart their own path.
07:27They measure high in measures of
independence.
07:30An NYU study compared middle born CEOs to
firstborn CEOs, and
07:34found that middle born CEOs tend to be
change makers.
07:38They're used to setting their own
expectations so,
07:40they're not afraid to do things
differently to experiment.
07:44This may explain Kim Kardashian's unique
approach to business.
07:47>> [LAUGH]
>> So you,
07:52you may be thinking, kind of, these are
qualities we all can relate to.
07:57And, I think you're right.
07:59There are only 70 million middle children
in the United States, but
08:02there's 300 million of us who are used to
living from the middle,
08:06because that's what we're all doing.
08:09At business schools, we're taught to value
traits that come naturally to firstborns.
08:14To wanna be at the head of the pack.
08:16To report to no one.
08:17To give a view from the top.
08:20But life isn't business school.
08:23>> We're not either first years, who have
endless questions, or second years,
08:26who know everything.
08:29>> We're somewhere in between.
08:31We're between our board and our employees.
08:34Between our managers and our reports.
08:36We can be between our family and our
career.
08:38Or our ego and our insecurity.
08:42Instead of aspiring to make power plays,
or
08:45step on anyone who gets in our way, we can
aspire to take root firmly in the middle.
08:50Because being a middle means having the
humility to take advice from others, but
08:55the confidence to know you have a voice,
that you have worth.
09:01A few years ago, my dad underwent an
extensive brain surgery.
09:06It was the scariest day of my life, but in
his road to full recovery,
09:10it brought my family closer together.
09:13This picture was taken a few months later.
09:16My dad had spent a few nights in the
hospital afterwards and
09:18preferred to not spend them alone.
09:20So, I volunteered to camp out in the chair
next to his bed.
09:23Napping, chatting, watching TV.
09:27He'd ask for help getting up out of bed.
09:29And then, a few minutes later, give me
advice,
09:31remind me to take care of my mom the next
few weeks cuz it'd be tough on her.
09:36I would interrogate a doctor, on his
behalf.
09:39Only an hour after after having my dad
proofread an email for
09:43me that I might write my boss.
09:45The nights were filled with these moments
where our parent-child
09:48relationship was completely inverted, yet
somehow it felt exactly the same.
09:53Each of us sometimes acting older,
sometimes acting younger, but
09:57always feeling comfortable in either role.
10:01I think those nights at [UNKNOWN] General
Hospital with my dad at 4 a.m were two
10:05middle children at their best.
10:07Looking up and looking down at the very
same time.
10:11And it's moments like these that make me
realize the view from the middle,
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